


Look After One Another

by MysticalRose



Category: Berena - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childbirth, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, References to Depression, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-06-27 08:59:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 44
Words: 59,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15682200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticalRose/pseuds/MysticalRose
Summary: Both Bernie and Serena go through traumatic events in their lives, but can they be there for one another or are they too absorbed in their own problems? Will they pull together or push each other away? Warnings for death, traumatic birth, fire, mentions of violence and depression with lots of fluffy moments too, Angst/hurt/comfort and LOVE! x





	1. Bump in the road

‘’Your quiet this morning, something on your mind?’’ Serena asked Bernie affectionately as they headed across the car park and into the hospital. Bernie had barely said a word the whole journey, just sat in the passenger seat, looking out of the window of Serena’s car.

‘’Just tired’’ Bernie shrugged, giving Serena a small smile.

Serena gave a sad smile and instantly felt guilty. Since Serena had stepped up to deputy CEO, Bernie had been left to pick up the slack on their ward, which included longer shifts as well as nightshifts. Days off had sadly become a thing of the past.

 

Serena took Bernie’s hand, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles ‘’Why don’t I buy you breakfast and we can plan a weekend off together, hmm?’'  
They walked hand in hand through the sliding doors and into the entrance of the hospital. The strong, rich sent of fresh coffee from pulses hit them both making Bernie’s stomach churn.  
‘’I’ve just remembered, I need to um’’ Bernie couldn’t think of anything quick enough, she began to panic, feeling dizzy and nauseous, her flight mode kicking in, she backed away from Serena, ‘’I’ll see you up there’’ she shouted as she raced into the open lift. She was relieved to find the lift was empty as it gave her time to compose herself. She stood against the wall of the lift, resting her head back, she closed her eyes, taking slow deep breaths until the lift came to a sudden stop.

‘’Morning’’ she smiled to Raf as the sliding lift doors opened to AAU, walking briskly to avoid any full conversation.

The first twenty minutes of Bernie’s shift was spent vomiting into the staff toilets. Feeling weak and exhausted, she walked out of the cubicle and began splashing water on her face trying to regain some colour back in her cheeks.

‘’Big night’’ came a voice from behind her. It was Zoisa.

‘’Something like that’’ she replied giving her the same small smile as she had given Serena earlier.

'’Don’t worry, your secrets safe with me.’’ Zoisa said laughing before leaving.

Bernie glanced at herself in the mirror: tired, heavy eyes looking back at her. God I look rough, she thought to herself as she tied her hair back. She took a deep breath and composed herself, keep calm and carry on she thought.

Bernie continued with her shift the best she could, she felt ill. But she daren’t show or tell anyone. She remained in the pretence that she was not on anything other than top form. To Ms Bernie Wolfe her work had always came first and to give anything less than 100 percent was, in her eyes, a sign of weakness. A weakness she was certainly not going to let Ms Serena Campbell or anyone else for that matter, witness.

Serena had been so busy, hibernating in her office, buried underneath stacks of paperwork, trying to reduce her to-do list in some small, feeble way, that she had barely seen Bernie that day. It was not until there was a knock on her office door, that she had time to think about the events of that morning.

'’Come in’’ Serena shouted, and Morven stepped inside hesitantly. ‘’This better be good Dr Digby I said no interruptions’’ Serena spoke firmly.

‘’It’s Bernie’’

‘’Go on’’ Serena seemed to approve the topic of interruption.

‘’She hasn’t been herself today, a little, distant, off, not herself. A member of staff has said she was vomiting in the toilets earlier, She’s um, she’s about to go in to theatre now.’’

‘’And you don’t think she’s up to it?’’ Serena asked questioningly, raising one eyebrow.

‘’Under normal circumstances, absolutely, more than, but today, today, I’m worried, I don’t think she’s up to it today no.’’ Morven was nervous as she said it, questioning a clinical lead was a gamble in the first instance but to do it to the woman’s lover was another thing altogether!

‘’Alright, leave it with me’’ Serena replied calmly.

Morven smiled with relief and left swiftly.

Serena searched the ward for Bernie and finally found her sitting on the stairwell on her own.

‘’Thought you were going into theatre?’’ Serena crept up behind Bernie and startled her.

‘’I was, I am, I’m just’’ Bernie rested the side of her head against the wall. ‘’Needed a break, long week.’’

‘’You sure your alright’’ Serena’s voice was sympathetic and comforting. ‘’Yes, yes.’’ Bernie lied. She wasn’t. But never had she ever let her guard down before and she certainly wasn’t going to start now.

‘’Look, um I think it’s best if I take over in theatre, just for today’’ Serena tried to keep the atmosphere light, she knew that Bernie would be furious if she thought someone had been concerned about her capabilities as a surgeon. Serena stood up and walked up the steps so she could avoid the argument she predicted was going to come.

‘’What, no, Serena, you can’t do that, Serena!’’ Bernie jumped up and followed Serena up the steps.

Suddenly Bernie stopped, her eyes rolling up at the lights above her, she quickly reached out to hold onto the hand rail but before she could get a grip her knees gave way and her body crumbled uncontrollably. She tumbled down the steps, arms and legs hitting hard off each step before landing at the bottom of the stairwell in a heap. Blood trickled from her head as Serena watched helplessly in horror.

"BERNIE!’’ Serena shouted, running down the steps and kneeling down beside her, assessing her injures. ‘’CAN I HAVE SOME HELP IN HERE PLEASE’’ She shouted, her voice desperate to remain professional yet holding tones of panic.

As Bernie was wheeled into AAU by porters, Raff eyes widened in shock, ‘’What happened?’’ He asked, rushing over to help.

‘’I don’t know, one minute she was following me up the stairs, the next - " Serena shrugged and gave Raff a concerned look. There were no tears on Serena’s face but Raff could tell she had been affected by the incident.

Raff instructed fletch to carry out all the necessary tests and treatment and Serena reluctantly took over Bernie’s patient in theatre, insisting that she is given regular updates on the blonde’s welfare.

What was she hiding? Serena thought to herself as she was beginning to open up a patient, okay, focus, the sooner this is done, the sooner I can go and see her. Serena was only in theatre three hours but it had felt like a lifetime. She rushed out and headed straight to see Bernie, trying her hardest to push away thoughts of worst case scenarios racing through her head.

‘’How she doing?’’ she asked Raff.

‘’I um, I think you better take a look at this’’ he said in his calm Scottish accent. He handed Serena the tablet and she took it from him and studied the screen. ‘’What, that can’t be right.’’ Raff fidgeted on the spot nervously. ‘’That’s what I thought, I’ve retook the tests, Serena they’re conclusive.’’

 

Serena stood for a minute or two clearly in shock before heading to see Bernie who had been placed in the side room.

 

She sat at Bernie’s side, studying her face, their hands side by side but not touching, Bernie’s eyes began to flicker and Serena jumped up feeling a little embarrassed to be caught watching her sleep. She picked up Bernie’s notes, just simply as a distraction. She knew what was in them, She had read and reread them the second she came out of theatre but she needed a moment to gather herself before what was about to come. Serena cleared her throat nervously.

 

‘’Hello You’’ Serena said, her voice was calm but crisp. Serena avoided all eye contact as she spoke, Bernie oblivious to the tension.

Bernie looked around the room confused ‘’What happened’’ she asked sleepily, her voice rough, small and husky.

‘’You collapsed on the stairs.’’ Serena informed her.

‘’I don’t remember’’ Bernie said confused.

‘’Yes, well’’ there was a small pause before Serena continued. ‘’we did some tests while you were unconscious’’ Serena began fidgeting with Bernie’s notes. She was looking at anything to avoid making eye contact with Bernie.

‘’It appears, that-you-are-pregnant’’ Serena struggled to say the words out loud she couldn’t bring herself to look at Bernie. Yes they were only in the early stages of their relationship and although she knew Bernie had just recently ended her marriage to Marcus, she still couldn’t help but feel a little bitter about the situation.

‘’Pregnant’’ Bernie repeated, double checking she had heard correctly.

‘’Yes’’ Serena, cleared her throat again and began moving her weight from one foot to another feeling awkward.

Bernie gave a nervous giggle, ‘’but I can’t be, it must be wrong, the tests, there’s been a mistake’’

‘’The tests are conclusive’’ Serena interjected her mid sentence; her voice was cold and firm.

‘’But I can’t, I haven’t even’’ Bernie wanted to say she hadn’t even slept with anyone recently other then Serena when Serena interrupted again.

‘’Your 26 weeks’’ She said, this time her voice was a little softer, she could see from Bernie expression that she genuinely did not know. It killed Serena inside to see Bernie in such shock but Serena was hurt too and she couldn’t bring herself to comfort Bernie just yet. Although she wasn’t with Bernie 26 weeks ago, it made her seethe with jealously to think of her with anybody else.

 

Bernie sat in silence, staring into space, tears slowly running down her cheek. Serena could see that Bernie was beginning to process the information ‘’How could I not have known’’ Bernie whispered. Unable to comprehend what was happening, she new she hadn’t felt right for weeks but this was the last thing she expected.

Emotion rose in Serena’s chest as she seen a tear pour down Bernie’s cheek. She wanted so much to wrap her arms around her and tell her everything would be okay, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do that just yet. Serena was angry and hurt, things had been going so well between them since Bernie had returned from Ukraine and now there relationship had came to a standstill as they both reassessed this new situation.

‘’I know its came as quite a shock, I'll give you some time’’ she said in a professional tone, it was something she would say to any other patient. She sloped out of the side room and headed to her office where she sat at her desk with her head in her hands, frequent glances at the side room door, torn between wanting to comfort her beloved Bernie in her time of need and the bitter, angry thoughts of Bernie and Marcus together.

 

A short time later there was another knock at the shared office door, it was Raff. ’’Ms Campbell, I think we have a problem, I’ve just went to complete Bernie obs and, well, she’s gone.’’ Serena and Raff looked at each other concerned.

 


	2. I miss you

It had been 6 long weeks since Serena had last seen or heard from Bernie, the first few weeks were the worst; Serena made frequent visits to her office hoping to find Bernie in her office chair, countless calls, emails, texts and voicemails asking her to get in touch, she had no idea where she was or if she was even safe. She considered calling Cam, although she was angry at the blonde she still hoped that she had at least took herself off to a safe place, hoped that somebody, somewhere would be looking after her.  
She attempted to quiz Hanssen for information, told him repeatedly how worried she was only to be told he couldn’t discuss Bernie with her and that the information he received was confidential, that Bernie would be in touch in her own time. 

Forced to accept the situation, Serena threw herself into her work, found running the ward, their ward, on her own without Bernie by her side wasn’t the same, before finally, week 6, Serena had accepted that Bernie had once again done what Bernie does best. Ran. 

I can’t believe she has done this to me again, what was I thinking letting her back into my life after Ukraine, I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. She did seem genuinely shocked to be pregnant, I wonder if she’s told Marcus yet, maybe that’s why she’s ran off, ran back to Marcus ready to play happy families again and live happily every after. Uggghhhh how many times have I said to keep work and love life separate, AND I GO AND BREAK MY OWN RULE!!! Serena’s mind was in overdrive. Could things possibly get any worse!!

She was mid way through her shift when Raff approached her, ‘’Serena, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.’’

‘’It’s Eleanor.’’


	3. I'll be there for you

Serena’s stomach sank as Raff explained he had taken the red phone call which stated that Eleanor had been involved in a car accident and was on her way in by ambulance. Serena ran faster than she ever had to the entrance of the hospital to see the ambulance arriving. ‘’It’s okay darling, I’m here, your going to be fine, I’ve got you.’’ She kissed the top of her daughters head as they wheeled her through to the lift. 

Serena was visibly shaken and in shock. The medical professional in her diminished at the sight of her own daughters wounded body in front of her. It was always different seeing a loved one as a patient, the cool, calm composed professional overtaken by a helpless, tearful mother. She willed herself through her tears to focus, to stay calm, and although she knew she couldn’t treat Elinor, she would do what ever it took to help make things better. Fletch stepped in ‘’Serena maybe you should wait outside, we’ll come and get you straight away, she’s in safe hands Serena.’’  
‘’I’m not leaving her’’ she snapped at the nurse. Mascara smudged down her cheeks as she sobbed.  
‘’Serena’’ Raff tried cautiously placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.  
‘’I’M NOT LEAVING HER!’’ She shouted louder. No sooner had she said it the monitors began beeping. Serena looked up in horror. ‘’She’s crashed’’ Raff shouted calmly and staff began running around connecting tubes and monitors to the young girl in front of them. Ric appeared behind her, he spun her round into a comforting hug, her legs gave way and he carried her of the room whilst she sobbed into his chest, shouting out, fighting against his hold.  
Raff and Fletch stepped outside of the room, no words needed to be spoken, just one look said it all. ‘’No!’’ Serena shouted as she turned and sobbed into Ric’s chest holding on to a fistful of his shirt, She cried uncontrollably whilst Ric, Raff and Fletch attempted unsuccessfully to comfort her. Serena was a broken woman. She had lost the 2 most precious things in her life in the last few weeks. Bernie had left her and now her beautiful daughter gone. 

Raff took Fletch to the side, ‘’I think we should contact Bernie, she should be here’’ he whispered to his co-worker together they looked at a curled up Serena sitting on the floor of the treatment room containing her daughters body feeling utterly helpless. 

Serena had managed to compose herself slightly to stand and say her final goodbyes. I’m not ready, she thought. I can’t, it’s too soon, I want more time with her. She thought to herself as she stroked her daughter’s hair and placed kissed on her hands.

Serena walked, not really aware of her surroundings. Her feet seemed to carry her to the once shared office. Serena slowly closed the door and sat on her office chair. She sat for a second, she felt numb, not really sure what she should do next. Then her eyes glanced over a photo placed on her desk. It was younger Elinor in a party dress. Serena let out a loud sob: emotion, shock and grief for her beautiful girl consumed her. The pain in her chest unbearable as she broke down, it was every mothers worst nightmare.  
Holding her head in her hands, begging to wake up from a bad dream, Serena remained in her office for hours, needing time alone, to be left to process what had just happened in her own time, in her own way, wondering how to deal with this, what to do first, who to tell, how it happened, why it happened.  
Knocks at the door came and went as she came to terms with the loss of her daughter. She couldn’t face leaving and going home to an empty house, full of photographs and memories of Eleanor. But the lack of privacy as more people knocked to offer words of comfort was torturous and she ignored each and every one of them.

Absorbed in grief, Serena did not notice the door opening ever so slowly and quietly. In entered Bernie, her hair was messy but tousled ever so softly and sad big hazel eyes and an omissible pregnancy bump. She was nearly 32 weeks now.

‘’Serena’’ Bernie spoke first. Her voice was soft and small, barely a whisper as she stood hesitantly by the door, watching Serena curled up on her office chair, head in hands. ‘’I came as soon as I’d heard, Serena I’m so SO sorry’’ the words are you okay were on the tip of her tongue before she realised that it was a stupid question. Tears sprang to Bernie’s eyes and no other words came. It was all Bernie could do to race over to Serena and wrap her arms around her tightly. Serena sobbed into Bernie’s shoulder and Bernie squeezed Serena tighter as they clung onto each other.

Bernie supported Serena over the coming week up until the funeral. Staying with Serena in her home where she would hold her close, wipe away her tears, attempting to comfort her through her grief, preparing meals in effort to encourage Serena to eat something, anything. Barely a word was spoken from Serena in this time as she sat in silence, photo album in hand.

Bernie returned to work telling Serena to take the time she so desperately needed to grieve, she hoped her going back would take some of the pressure from Serena, allowing her to take the time without worrying over the running of the ward. Bernie insisting that she would deal with everything, that Serena had nothing to worry about; everything work related would be taken care of ready for Serena to return only when she was ready. Although Bernie was there for Serena the whole time, they never actually talked. Both of them were avoiding any kind of heart to heart.

It was Monday and Bernie was shocked to find that Serena had returned to work, it was after all only 3 days after Eleanor’s funeral. They each completed their shift in the upmost of professionalism, spending significant periods of time hiding in the office or volunteering to complete elective procedures to enable them to hibernate in theatre. Anything to avoid a conversation, to be asked or answer questions they were not quite ready for. Clearly on the same wave lengths they were both able to complete there full shift with only a longing glance here and there.  
However tonight was the night of the long awaited grand fundraising ceremony in which they had both been organising for the last year in attempt to raise funds for there AAU department. Not exactly great timing, Bernie could not think of anything worse than attending some swanky ceremony but there was no way she would let Serena down she was shocked and concerned that Serena was actually willing to go. Although she was not oblivious to the fact that Serena was 1.putting on a brave face, 2. throwing herself into her work and 3. most probably going to get extremely intoxicated on free alcohol. Emotional and grief stricken Serena and an unlimited supply of wine was enough to make any one cower away and run for safety. But nevertheless, Bernie was adamant she was going to be there, by Serena’s side and support her through what ever the night would throw at them. After all, she had some making up to do after running away not once, but twice!

At the end of their shifts they changed into their glitzy cocktail gowns, not having the time or the energy to go home and change. Serena dressed in a low cut, black velvet gown, her make up applied heavily to cover up the dark circles under her eyes, wearing a necklace Elinor bought her for Mothers Day, heels higher than she’d ever wore before, Elinor loved high heeled shoes.  
Bernie dressed in Black also, hadn’t the time or the patience to go shopping for something new, instead opted for buying three of the first suitable dresses she seen online and hoped one of them would do. She settled for a skin tight, floor lenghth gown with capped lace sleeves, bump on show as she pulled at the material feeling uncomfortable. Her hair softly tousled to one side with a diamonte clip on the other, an extra effort she wanted to make for Serena. They both met Raff and Fletch at the hospital entrance where they stood in black and white tux waiting for the cab.  
The night was held at a grand hotel with acres of beautiful land. Serena and Bernie mingled with board members and other high flyers, avoiding conversation with each other and as ever the professionals, throwing themselves into securing funding for the AAU department. Bernie watched as Serena laughed aloud to small talk between other guests attending the evening. Strangers laughing at jokes with her with no clue about the trauma she was going through. Bernie watched her, her heart breaking, Bernie was so proud as to how Serena had put a brave face on for the evening, she knew how much she was hurting how she would always be but she couldn’t help but be amazed by this woman’s strength. 

She smiled to herself as she watched Serena do what she does best charming and flirting with everyone with that gorgeous smile and quick wit. Bernie glanced at the time, it was 11:20PM and they had both already completed a 12 hour shift before attending the event.  
Feeling physically exhausted Bernie sloped off to find a seat at one of the round tables draped in white material, a candelabra placed in the middle with flowers round, it really was a spectacular venue Serena had chosen this year.  
She sat on her own tapping her wine glass containing a non alcoholic drink and tried to keep herself awake. Every part of her ached, her feet in her heels, her back and legs, the bottom of her bump, she wanted nothing more than to just dive into bed and sleep for a week. Although in typical Bernie fashion, she would never show defeat and kept up the false smiles and small talk to guests passing by as she watched Serena lovingly. She blew out slow breaths as she moved uncomfortably in the seat, wondered if anyone would even notice if she just went up to the room she had booked. Knew she couldn’t hold out much longer, she was exhausted and uncomfortable. She needed sleep.

Although the night was a distraction for both of them, for Serena it was a project to focus on, something to take her mind of Elinor whilst consuming as much free wine as she possibly could. The alcohol helped her forget, masked the pain somehow. For Bernie, it was another opportunity to cruse along the river of denial and pretend that everything was fine. Since she had returned, she had not discussed her pregnancy with anyone. Never allowing herself to think about it, she needed to put Serena first now, she had let her down by getting pregnant in the first place, by destroying the perfect relationship they had formed. Bernie was so disappointed with herself, she knew deep down that she would end up hurting Serena in some way, after all, that was the reason she ran off to Ukraine, to allow Serena to move on and find someone new, someone who wouldn’t mess things up. It was inevitable Bernie thought to herself messed things up with Marcus, Alex, Cameron, Charlotte. It was only a matter of time before you ruined what you had with Serena. She thought.

Suddenly Bernie’s thoughts were interrupted as two hands landed on her shoulders as she sat at the table. It was Serena. ‘’You alright’’ she said standing behind her and moving to sit on the chair beside her. It was the first time they had spoken all night. Is this Serena or the alcohol speaking Bernie thought to herself.  
Bernie smiled back to her, She was running so low on energy she could barely keep her eyes open but she dug deep to find the strength to beam a false smile. She couldn’t help but think how beautiful Serena looked tonight. She wanted to tell her but she was scared to ruin Serena’s good mood by getting her emotional..  
Serena leaned closer to Bernie and spoke in her ear, the background noise making it difficult for them to have a normal conversation. ‘’Thank you, for tonight.’’  
Bernie looked back at her confused.  
Bernie leaned into Serena, the band behind them making it difficult to hear, Bernie wasn’t sure she had heard correctly. ‘’You did most of the organising Serena, I should be thanking you’’  
Serena shook her head, her eyes becoming watery, she took Bernie’s glass, held Bernie’s hand in both of her own and began to stroke the smooth skin under Bernie’s bracelet, She’d never seen her wear this one before, it was simple, a few small diamonds, but beautiful, just like her, Serena thought as she sat in silence toying with Bernie’s’ fingers.  
‘’I know your shattered, I can see, but I’m pleased you came, It, It means a lot to me that you came.’’ She said quietly enough so that only Bernie could here it.  
Bernie’s smile back was a little bigger this time and she focused her eyes on their hands feeling embarrassed that Serena had noticed just how tired she was and had seen through her ‘everything is fine’ pretence.  
‘’Right, come on you’’ Serena stood up and collected Bernie’s clutch bag from the table.  
‘’Where are we going?’’ Bernie asked.  
‘’I am taking you upstairs to bed’’ Serena spoke matter of factly, she could barely stand up straight and Bernie had a feeling it may end up being the other way round.  
‘’But you can’t go, it’s your night, they will wonder where you are’’ Bernie giggled.  
Serena leaned down, tucked a strand a Bernie’s loose curl behind her ear. ‘’I don’t care about them, I care about you’’ Serena said softly taking both of Bernie’s hand and pulling her up. It was the first time in such a long time that they had really connected. Bernie didn’t have the energy to argue, and deep down she was pleased. Bernie sighed with relief, not only was the night finally over but tensions between them both seemed to be evaporating also.


	4. I'm falling apart and I'm falling for you

They walked through the crowds of people and Bernie became hyper aware that this was the first time Serena had held her hand in public. They amount of alcohol that Serena had consumed had always concerned Bernie and tonight was no exception but it was different. Serena seemed different, Bernie would even go as far to say, she seemed to be back to her old self. Since Eleanor’s death there had most understandably been good days and bad, and much to Bernie’s surprise, considering the free amount of alcohol, today seemed to be, so far so good. Bernie focused on her heels as they weaved through the crowds, she couldn’t help feeling a little embarrassed by the public display of affection. It occurred to her that if she was 10 years younger and wasn’t heavily pregnant she would have strutted through those crowds proud as punch to have such a beautiful woman such as Serena on her arm. However in this moment she couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious, squeezing Serena’s hand for support as she felt all eyes on them both, anxiety taking over as unwanted thoughts of people talking about her raced through her head. She felt like everyone was looking at her, talking about her, ‘’look at her, a doctor who accidentally got herself pregnant, betrayed her girlfriend, Serena deserves so much better.’’ She closed her eyes tight and gulped down the lump in her throat, willed herself not to cry, not now, please not now in front of everyone she thought to herself. She felt like she was suffocating, she couldn’t breath, she couldn’t take a deep breath, she had to get out, she had to get out.

She squeezed Serena’s hand as if she was holding on for her life, Serena taking control and leading her through the crowds. Serena walked Bernie out of the hall and Bernie looked up and the grand spiral staircase hesitantly, she was so physically and emotionally exhausted, quickly dabbing at her eyes before Serena had a chance to see them fall. Bernie stepped ahead quickly; avoiding eye contact hoping Serena hadn’t noticed her little moment of weakness. Taking a deep breath and slowly breathing out she began to climb, trying desperately to mask the pain etched on her face as her body ached with each step she took. 

This did not go unnoticed by Serena who looked up at the woman in front of her watching her intently. How did I not see this, she’s exhausted, she’s already done a 12 hour shift then spent the night in, actually quite fabulous heels, hang on how far along is she now, oh 32 no 33 weeks pregnant. I wonder where she’s been all these weeks, has she been ok? Would she have even returned if it wasn’t for Eleanor? WOAAHHH Serena shouted as Bernie’s legs gave way, Serena catching her around the waist and helping her up.  
‘’Come on’’ Serena whispered as she helped Bernie up the rest of the steps. One hand holding on to hers and the other around her back, She could see that Bernie was trying not to cry.  
‘’I’m fine’’ Bernie insisted and Serena noticed the blondes bottom lip trembled.  
‘’I’m just not used to heels’’ Bernie said composing herself and slipping back into ‘everything is fine’ mode. 

Serena stepped back in front at the top of the staircase and still holding onto Bernie’s hand led her to the room. Bernie was so focused on placing on foot in front of the other without collapsing in pain to the floor that she hadn’t even noticed that they had actually passed her room and headed straight to Serena’s. It was an all expenses, no expense spared, luxury suite courtesy of the NHS in honour of Serena’s achievements at organising such an event.  
‘’Nice to see the NHS have spent funds wisely’’ Bernie joked. She stood hesitantly in the doorway, does she want me to stay in her room Bernie thought for a second, she was too tired for this, to tired to think and second guess.  
‘’You going to stand there all night’’ Serena smirked, gesturing for Bernie to come in before disappearing into the bathroom, not giving Bernie a chance to reply.  
‘’Oh um’’ Bernie walked in and sat on the bed one hand behind her back, easing herself down hissing out loud as a sharp pain soared up her back.

Serena was and fuelled with alcohol, loosing her balance trying to take off her heels and bumping into the doorframe on the way out of the bathroom. ‘’Right, I’ve ran you a’’  
her words trailed off as her eyes fell on the sleeping beauty that lay on the super kingsize bed in front of her.

 

Bernie was still in her dress and heels, and was lay on top of the covers, arms above her head sound asleep, blonde tousled curls fanned out messily around her face. She looked so peaceful. Serena tiptoed over to her clumsily and sat on the edge of the bed watching her sleep. She looked down at Bernie’s neat, blossoming pregnancy bump, She couldn’t believe how big it had become over the past few weeks. She hadn’t really noticed until now. She stroked Bernie’s hair away from her face and kissed her forehead gently. ‘’I’ve missed you’’ she whispered and as she pulled away and Bernie’s eyes fluttered open, squinting at the brightness of the light. ‘’Oh, sorry’’ Serena giggled continuing to stroke Bernie’s hair ‘’go back to sleep.’’

They watched each other in comfortable silence for a minute or two before Bernie began to sit up, holding her upper body up on her elbows. The love between them was electric; they could both feel it, a deep, magnetic connection, that spark between them, it was back. Bernie moved in and placed a gentle, soft, tender kiss on the brunette’s lips. It was slow, loving and tender. They broke apart, looking deep into each others eyes, as if looking for answers to all of the unsaid questions they were both too afraid to ask.

Serena crawled further onto the bed and Bernie sat up onto her knees. Serena lifted a hand to Bernie’s face, cupping her cheek before gliding her hand down Bernie’s shoulder and running her fingers down her arm before weaving there fingers together to hold hands. Only breaking apart from there kisses to stroke bare skin, appreciating each other. Appreciating this moment, both of them together after a long and painful time apart, both of them unsure of what the future held for them, but neither of them wanted to question that now. For tonight it was just about being together and loving one another. Bernie had no energy left, every movement, every kiss was slow, she wasn’t sure where this was headed, what Serena expected, but she knew she didn’t want it to stop.  
Serena detangled there fingers slowly, placing her hand on Bernie’s thigh, running her hand up to Bernie’s hip and across to the small of her back and pulling her in closer, in one smooth move. Bernie let out a small gasp as the sudden movement took her by surprise. Eyes fleeting between eyes and lips for a second, waiting for someone to make the first move, the moment was interrupted when Bernie gasped again. Serena had found the zip on the back of Bernie’s dress and tugged at it allowing it to unzip a few centimetres only. She stopped looking into Bernie’s eyes asking silent permission and Bernie’s wanting expression was all the approval Serena needed. Serena slowly pulled down the zip, caressing the arch of Bernie’s back with her finger as it came down. Bernie pushed the beautiful gown from her shoulders and it fell to her knees effortlessly before being thrown aside onto the nearby armchair. Reconnecting there kiss, Bernie pushed up Serena’s dress, hands coming into contact with her bare skin on her stomach before pulling it over the brunettes head and tossing it aside. Serena was first to break the kiss, staring at the blondes body in wonder, hands gliding over the blondes collarbones, down her slender arms before settling on the stretch mark free bump in front of her. ‘’Your glowing’’ said Serena, her eyes shining with unfallen tears. Bernie flinched back and looked down at the bed, she moved back slightly and Serena watched as tears fell from Bernies cheeks.  
Serena slightly confused about what had just happened, stretched out a hand and lifted Bernie’s chin up giving her no option but to give eye contact. Bernie’s lashes soaked, Serena ran her thumb under Bernies eyes, wiping away her tears.  
‘’Mm sorry’’ Bernie said, in barely a whispered.  
‘’come on’’ Serena said encouragingly as she pulled back the covers and wrapped her arms round the blonde, holding her tight, Bernie allowed her tears to fall as she buried her head into the brunettes chest and sobbed. Serena didn’t know what to say so she held Bernie close, just like Bernie had done for her a week ago, supporting her through actions rather than words.

It wasn’t long before Bernie had cried herself to sleep, something which seemed like a distant memory to Serena who had barely slept at all since Eleanor’s death and instead replaced resting time with drinking time. Serena let go of sleeping Bernie being careful not to wake her and crept out of the bed, heading over to the mini bar in the room. It was 2:30 am. She opened the small fridge and collected mini bottles of her choice before sitting near the window looking out onto the night sky and pouring her self a glass of red wine. Her head was overwhelmed with thoughts and questions of both Elinor and Bernie. 

Serena eventually managed a total of 3 hours sleep, something which had became a personal best due to the high intake of alcohol. She awoke to find herself in the bed feeling extremely rough and fragile. Mornings were a bittersweet moment for Serena, those few minute of bliss before being hit with her reality of her dead daughter were soul crushing. Her head pounded as she tried to recall the events of the night before, looking around the room for clues she spotted a beautiful dress on the arm chair which did not belong to her. No sooner had she questioned it, she heard a cough come from the bathroom. Serena buried her head into the pillow and pulled the duvet over her head as she lay feeling numb and depressed. She had no clue who was in there and at this moment she did not care, who ever it was she hoped would leave her in peace to be with her own negative thoughts and precious memories of Eleanor.

She suddenly became aware of the bathroom door opening and she looked out from under the duvet, curious as to who it was and what damage she had done the night before. There, stood in the doorway, was a tired and pale looking Bernie wrapped in a towel. Her eyes were red and bloodshot and Serena thought she looked frail and weak. 

‘’Morning, sorry I didn’t mean to wake you’’ Bernie broke the ice first.  
‘’It’s fine, you didn’t’’ Serena replied, noting her own voice sounded hoarse. The awkward tensions between them had returned.  
There stared at each other for a moment, both wanted to say something, anything. The lust, love, fear and sorrow evident between them in one connecting look. It was suddenly broke apart as Bernie spun on her heel and raced back into the bathroom. It wasn’t coughing Serena thought she had heard earlier, it was the sound of Bernie vomiting.  
Serena hesitated, questioning if she should go in and check Bernie was okay. Getting up out of bed she slowly walked over to the bathroom door and pushed on it to open it further. There she saw Bernie lying on the cold, hard tiles, her head rested on the side of the bathtub, one hand holding her towel to her chest, the other under her forhead. Serena’s shoulders dropped at the sight, Bernie looked so vulnerable lying there. She walked over and crouched down.  
‘’Dam morning sickness, ‘’ Bernie laughed nervously, but Serena could sense the quiver in Bernie’s voice as she spoke. ‘’Just give me a minute and I’ll be out of your hair’’ she continued.  
‘’You don’t have to, get out of my hair, I mean’’ Serena gave a soft smile as she remembered the memories of Eleanor being poorly as a child. The extra cuddles on sick days from school, holding her hair back as she was sick or the smell of camomile lotion that she applied soothingly onto skin the time she had chickenpox aged five.  
Bernie smiled, and Serena brushed her fringe from her eyes, a second of lust between them before Bernie crawled past Serena and vomited again, Serena rubbing her back and tucking her hair behind her ears. Was there still hope?


	5. Will they look after one another?

After a full day off to recover from the fundraiser they were back to reality the following day. One nights glamour and luxury over and replaced with hideous scrubs and bodily fluids, oh how the other half live.  
Back in AAU and Bernie was stood at the nurses station leaning over the computer she was using, one hand placed on the mouse, another on the desk, stretching her back, finding sitting far too uncomfortable now, though only Serena had noticed, she always noticed the little things, was far more observant than she let on.

 

Bernie looked over her shoulder as she heard shouting behind her, rolling her eyes and assuming it was another disgruntled patient, she stood fully and slowly ready to step in and take the complaint, looking back to see what all the commotion was about she realised it was coming from her office. The office she shared with Serena. Wait, that voice, the shouting, It was Serena. She looked around the ward, assessing the situation, evidence gathering they called it in her time in the army. She could see Fletch, Raff, Morven, but no Jasmine. She briskly walked towards the office, hesitating before she opened the door. 

Serena was crying, shouting, screaming out in an angry outburst, to Jasmine. Bernie had never heard her like this before. Silence fell as Bernie calmly entered the office and closed the door quietly behind her. Bernie looked at a tearful Jasmine and then over to a tearful Serena who was shaking with rage.  
Giving Jasmine the nod, Bernie signalled for Jasmine to leave the office.  
‘’NO, YOU COME BACK HERE’’ Serena shouted after Jasmine.  
‘’Serena, let her go’’ Bernie said firmly but calmly.  
‘’SHE KNOWS, SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT ELEANORS DEATH’’  
‘’Serena, it’s not her fault’’ Again in a calm, soothing voice.’’  
‘’HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, HOW CAN YOU KNOW’’  
Serena’s voice broke and her words trailed off as she picked up a bottle of opened shiraz from on the table and it flew to the wall, crumbling pieces of glass shattering in all directions of the room, Bernie covering her own face with her arms to protect herself, bracing herself for impact. But Serena didn’t stop, sweeping the entire contents of her desk in one smooth move before making her way around the room. Serena was letting out every piece of anger, frustration and grief, throwing it all away from her, out of her system and all towards Bernie.

Bernie stood back calmly for a few minutes until Serena’s anger turned to sorrow. ‘’I WANT HER BACK’’ Serena shouted as fresh tears began to roll from her eyes. ‘’I want her back, I want her back’’ she repeated.

Bernie approached her cautiously and wrapped her arms around her allowing the brunette to sob into her chest ‘’I know, I know’’ she said comfortingly.

Serena’s knees buckled and together they dropped to the floor, Bernie sat back against the radiator, leaning slightly against the bookcase at the side of her as she took Serena’s weight and held her close, they cried together, Bernie unsure how to fix this but wanting to more than anything. 

An hour had passed before Raff felt like it would be safe to enter. After hearing the commotion he insisted all staff let Bernie deal with Serena and they would manage the ward without them. Knocking on the door softly and entering quietly he looked around the room to find it looked like an earthquake had hit. Glass, files and stationary all scattered on the floor, wine stain dripping down the wall resembling something from a crime, scene investigation. As Raff’s eyes travelled around the destruction of the room they stopped at the sight of Bernie and Serena, holding each other lovingly. Serena had cried herself to sleep in Bernie’s arms and Bernie was moving Serena’s upper body to allow her to rest her head in her lap, making them both a little more comfortable.

He looked at Bernie sympathetically, ‘’Is she Alright?’’ He asked in his soft Scottish accent. He was so concerned for the brunette’s welfare.

‘’I don’t know if she’ll ever be alright again, but she will survive.’’ She sniffed, her eyes not moving from Serena’s sleeping face.

Raff sighed, gazing at them for a moment before edging out of the room.  
‘’I’ll be one moment’’ he whispered.

He left the destroyed office and returned a minute later holding a pillow and a powder blue blanket. He placed the pillow behind Bernie’s back and the blanket over Serena before standing back.

‘’She hasn’t slept in weeks’’ Bernie said, still her eyes remained on Serena who had tear tracks on her cheeks.

‘’I’ll take the phones, and I’ll lock the door, that way you won’t get disturbed, don’t worry about the ward, I’ll arrange cover, you two need to look after one another’’ his soft Scottish accent was caring and kind. Bernie finally looked up at him and gave a tired smile to show her appreciation.

 

Serena woke with a jump and lifted her head from a now sleeping Bernie’s lap. She nudged her to wake and Bernie woke with a fright, rolling her eyes at Serena and shooting her a look, slightly annoyed that Serena had woken her when she herself had barely moved an inch to let the brunette sleep soundly.

‘’ What time is it?’’ Serena asked.  
‘’About half 1 in the morning’’ Bernie answered checking her watch.  
‘’How long have I slept for?’’  
Bernie yawned ‘’About 4 hours’’ her expression pained as she began to sit up straight, sleeping sitting up against a radiator was not exactly comfort.  
‘’You should have woke me’’ Serena was annoyed.  
‘’You haven’t slept in weeks’’ Bernie’s tone changing as she was becoming a little irritated now.  
Bernie tried to move. Her legs were numb and her back was stiff. Using the radiator as support, she lifted her lower body up slightly and began moving her legs inch by inch trying to regain the feeling back into them. Her expression wincing slightly as she stretched out the aches and pains. 

Serena was now up from the floor and on a mission as she began ran sacking the room trying to regain some order and ranting to her self.

Bernie pulled herself up onto all fours and waited, she needed a minute before standing. Getting up and down off the floor was something more of a challenge these days. She reached forward to use her own desk as support to help her stand up when a surge of pain and pressure hit her lower stomach and back. She gasped, mouth open, eyes wide, as her hand thudded heavily on the edge of the desk, the other grasped at the bottom of her bump. She released a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, her heart racing as her eyes searched the room in panic. 

She gripped the desk and quickly looked at Serena,who to Bernie’s relief had not noticed what had just happened. Her eyes raced around the room in panic for a second time as she tried to keep her breathing even. She swallowed down the lump in her throat, removing her shaky hand from her bump to reach out for the desk again. She managed to hold onto it both hands gripped tight against the wood as she stepped forward on her knees. Visibly shaken, she could feel her own heartbeat pounding against her chest and she gave another quick glance to Serena, pleased to see that she was pre occupied with re organising her own desk. Another wave of excruciating pain hit Bernie and she turned her head away from Serena, burying her face into the inside of her arm in effort to hide her wincing expression. She pursed her lips tightly, trying anything to prevent a noise, scream or whimper from creeping out. Letting out a slow, controlled breath, she dug her nails into the table. As the wave of pain crashed down, she steadied her breathing and became aware of Serena’s voice in the background.

‘’You should go’’ Serena said, erratically tidying the office ‘’you should go get some sleep, your um your in early in the morning I’ll be fine.’’  
Bernie knew Serena well enough to know she was trying to push her away, trying to put on a front but in actual fact was probably about to become emotional all over again.

Bernie closed her eyes frustration, irritated by Serena’s hot and cold behaviour. She rested her head on the inside of her arm not ready to loosen her grip from the desk as she clung on for support. She couldn’t respond to Serena, she just needed a minute, she just needed to catch her breath. She focused on her breathing. 

In 2, 3, 4  
Hold 2, 3 4  
Out 2, 3, 4

Serena was now picking up files from the floor and was too engrossed in reorganising paperwork correctly to look at Bernie. ‘’Honestly, Bernie just go’’ she said with more conviction than previously. ‘’I-I don’t want you here, I never wanted you here, Why are you even here?’’ she let out a sarcastic chuckle as she began piling files on top of each other firmly, Bernie’s shoulders jumping as each file landed with a thud. ‘’You left me, you left me and then you came back and left me again’’ Serena’s voice became higher as she fought tears on the last words. ‘’I don’t need you, I’ve never needed you, I don’t even want you, Ha Eleanor, ELEANOR DIDN’T EVEN LIKE YOU.’’

The words shot through Bernie like a knife wound to the heart. Those 4 little words, I. don’t. want. You. She felt sick, she knew deep down that Serena was trying to push her away but she also knew the damage she had caused by leaving. Her nails tug into the desk harder as she hung her head low in upset, fighting tears. harder than she had ever fought them before. Feeling utterly heartbroken, her throat hurt and she needed to be sick, her chest tight as she tried to breath in but found she couldn't, she fought to take in a staggered deep breath as she attempted to move from her position ready to run out of the room and cry a million tears in peace.


	6. This is it

She had to move, she had to go, anywhere, anywhere but here, Serena had made herself clear, I don’t want you she had told her, that was it, over, ruined. You’ve lost her, she thought to herself as she fought to keep her breathing even, tears streaming down her face thick and fast, breaths quick paced as though she’d been on one of her ten mile runs.

She chanced a glance at Serena who still had her back to her, avoiding eye contact, avoiding looking into Bernies face at seeing the hurt, the effect of her own harsh words. After everything Bernie had done for her, she felt bad, she felt guilty, she wanted her, of course she did, it was Bernie, her Bernie. But it was also Bernie who left her, she left her when she needed her most. What was stopping her doing it again, why would she stick around to deal with this when she could go off and live happily ever after with her perfect family. Serena rooted around in her bag and pulled out a bottle of vodka. Bernie sighed, she’d missed that, clearly Serena had been drinking more heavily than she’d thought, but she couldn’t deal with that now, she just needed to get out of here. 

She took a few composing breaths and prepared to stand, it hurt, she thought to herself, she felt so alone, she had never wanted a hug so badly. She swallowed down her tears and began to stand using the desk as support, owww she said it in her head, she couldn’t keep the tears in but at least managed to keep her words in she thought to herself. I want to get out, I want to go she thought to herself as she cried, her lower abdomen feeling tight and heavy, she sobbed in desperation, decided she would give it one last try before she had to beg Serena for help. She gripped the side of the desk as far away from her as she possibly could she used her forearms on the top of the table and began to pull herself up and into a standing position. She just needed to get out of here.

‘’Ahhhggghhh’’ She shouted out and dropped back to the floor on all fours, rocking herself back and forth in discomfort as she squeezed her eyes shut at the pressure that was building.

Serena looked up

 

‘’Bernie?’’  
‘’Hooo’’ she breathed out slowly  
‘’Bernie?’’  
‘’ I’m okay’’  
Serena waited it out, thought for a second it was just for a reaction from her, that she’d go running to her after just telling her it was over.

‘’What are you doing? Your not due for weeks yet’’ Serena said disbelievingly 

Bernie let out a nervous giggle between staggered breaths and began rocking at a faster pace ‘’Hmmm, yeah, try telling him that, ah god’’

It was the first time that Serena had heard the gender of the baby and the first time that Bernie had acknowledged it. 

Serena hesitated for a second, staring a Bernie who still had her eyes tight shut, wincing in pain and pressing her palms to the floor, hanging her head low.

She looked at Bernies expression, decided either way if Bernie was faking it or not she couldn’t bare to watch.  
‘’I’ll um I’ll go get some help’’ Serena said before walking to the door. She tried the handle twice before standing back to look at the door, clearly confused.   
‘’It’s locked’’ she spun on her heel ‘’ AND WHERES THE PHONES GONE’’ Serena shouted in a high pitched voice.

Bernie manoeuvred herself back to her comfortable position of sitting on her knees, his time with her legs apart and holding onto the desk. Resting her forehead on the desk edge in disappointment, she had forgotten about the locked door.  
‘’Raff he we’’ Bernie couldn’t get her words out. She took in a deep breath and blowing it out slowly, tried again. Talking into the desk with her eyes closed. ‘’We didn’t want anyone to disturb your sleep.’’ 

Serena watching Bernie, her shoulders dropped at the realisation that this was real, guilt consumed her at the blonde’s act of kindness which now resulted in her being in clearly excruciating pain. She turned back to look out of the office window which looked out onto the ward.

‘’There’s no one out there, why is there no one out there?’’ Serena was getting frustrated.  
Bernie was too focused on her breathing before it had registered a few minutes later what had been said. ‘’Don’t you read your emails Ms Campbell? Closed for maintenance at midnight, re-opens at 6.’’ Bernie’s breathing purposeful and controlled, keeping the atmosphere light but avoiding all eye contact with Serena. She had lived in war zones, she could do this.

Serena walked briskly and crouched down beside her, Bernie could feel her presence but kept her eyes firmly closed as she tilted her head on the edge of the desk, both arms rested on the top of the desk seeking a more comfortable position but failing so far.

‘’Bernie, what I said, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean it, not- not really, I don’t even know why I said it, the truth, well, the truth is, since Elinor, well, you’re the only one who, who’s really, really been there for me, an, and I think, well I think I just got, got scared, about, how, M-muu-ch I’ve. Relied. On. You. How much I need you. Serena’s choked back the tears. ‘’You left me Bernie, you left me twice and, and now after everything with Elinor, I don’t think, well, I don’t think that I could, you know’’ Serena swallowed the lump in her throat, quickly swiping away at the tears on her cheeks. ‘’I don’t think I could cope again, if I lost you too. I was trying to prove to myself, that I didn’t need you, didn’t want you, in case, well in case you left me, again. I’m so sorry Bernie, please, believe me.’’

Serena’s gaze was fixed solely onto the side of Bernie’s face as she spoke to her willing her to turn her head towards her and give her eye contact, a look, a clue as to if she would be forgiven for the hurtful things that were said just minutes ago. Serena was also aware that in the time she had been talking, Bernie’s breathing was becoming deeper and louder. 

Bernie turned to look at Serena, head still rested on the edge of the desk which had now left a red line on her forehead. Each breath sounded like a rumble in her lungs. ‘’You – You don’t’’ Bernie’s face twisted as her words were interrupted by a sudden ‘’ahhh’’ taking in 3 fast breaths she continued. ‘’you don’t have to be sorry’’ she said it as quickly as she could, she needed to get it out, needed Serena to hear it. ‘’It’s – It’s me, it’s agh, I- I hmm I’m the-the one who mmm who sh-should uggh be-be s-s-sorry, ah god’’   
‘’Shhhhh it’s okay’’ Serena had to step in. She could see Bernie was really struggling now, her breathing was creeping back up towards hyperventilating and Serena was getting worried. She lifted her hand to swipe away Bernie’s fringe which was beginning to stick to her forehead. Serena was all too aware that time was of the essence.

‘’NO, NO’’ Bernie shouted shaking her head ‘’let me finish’’ she took another composing breath and gulped down another lump in her throat before continuing. ‘’I’m sorry, I’m so sorry’’ Bernie finally allowed tears to fall. She lifted her head from the desk and looked at Serena picking up her hand and stroking the back of it with her thumb. Although the pain had eased slightly, she knew she only had a minute or two before it came again so she took the opportunity continued to do the hardest thing she had ever had to do.   
‘’I’m sorry, for everything, for destroying us, what we had, getting p-pr-pregnant and running, you deserve ahhh you deserve b-b-better, I wanted to be better, to be there for you and l-love y-you and instead here I am, in labour with a child a week after you’ve buried yours. They each broke down and Serena moved in to hug her, Bernie pulled back. ‘’No, you don’t have to be nice to me, I don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it, you deserve better, better than me, I want better for you.’’   
‘’I don’t need better, I don’t want better, I just want you.’’ Serena whispered through her tears.  
And Bernie shook her head again. ‘’You want someone who, will whisk you off for romantic weekends away’’ tears tumbled from Bernie’s eyes. ‘’or who will spend every minute of every night holding you close. ‘’They’’ Bernie gulped down again, unable to keep her body still she rocked her hips from side to side in a feeble attempt to feel more comfortable. ‘’they will never ever love you as much as I do’’ Bernie smiled, nodding and wiped away her own tears. ‘’But they will give you a better life than me. You deserve that. You deserve better than me.’’  
Bernie could have went on but she knew her time was up as she felt the next surge build. She began taking deeper, faster breaths, she prepared herself by gripping the top of the desk again and still sitting on her knees she opened her legs as far apart as she could, feeling the pressure building. ‘’uuuuuaaaaagggggghhhhhhhhhhh’’ she reluctantly let out through gritted teeth. ‘’Hmmmm, hmmmm, hooooo, I can’t do this, I can’t do this’’ she shook her head into the edge of the desk once more.

‘’Bernie look at me, LOOK AT ME, let me help you, please, Bernie please’’ Realising that now was not the time to respond to Bernie’s previous comments, after all they had bigger things to deal with right now, Serena put her emotions aside and began trying to take control of the situation. She held out her hand for Bernie to take but Bernie shook her head.   
‘’I have. to do. this. on. my. own’’ she said through quick, sharp breaths in which Serena was concerned of. She was unsure if it was panting or hyperventilating but either way she did not like it. Bernie’s body tensed up and she felt the most intense pressure pushing down, she was loosing control, there was no way she was willing to have this baby with Serena locked in the room with her, it was unfair on her, cruel even after everything she had been through with Elinor. Bernie’s flight mode kicked in and she turned her back to Serena, reaching out for the computer chair and wheeling it closer to her. She grabbed each of the arms on the chair and pulled herself against it, as she rocked against the chair it wheeled back and fourth. Fighting against the contractions with fast hyperventilating breaths she stretched out an arm out for the small waste paper basket and vomited violently into it.   
‘’Right that’s it I’m getting you out of here’’ Serena said deciding enough was enough and considering smashing a window using a paperweight from her desk.  
As Serena went to stand she was pulled back by Bernie’s hand pulling at her wrist.   
‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry’’ Bernie cried. She looked at the clock it was 3:10 am. She new that Raff’s shift began at 6, if she could just hold on, fight the pressure for a bit longer then Raff could let her out, she could take herself off somewhere, anywhere, she certainly wasn’t bothered about getting to maternity as long she could let Serena be free. Free from witnessing this cruelty and torture that she was putting her through. 

‘’Let me help you’’ Serena said, taking Bernie’s hands from the computer chair and moving her, wheeling it away with her elbow so that Bernie had no option but to use Serena’s shoulders for support. Serena lifted Bernie’s chin gently and Bernie looked into Serena’s eyes for only a second, it was enough to make her mind up, she was going to fight this, fight it for her, she owed it to her, it would bring back to many memories of Elinor, it wasn’t right, no, she would fight with everything she had until Raff would let her out, he was normally early for work anyway, so it really wasn’t that long to wait, just 2 and a half hours she thought. 2 and a half hours, come on, you.can.do.this.  
No sooner had she thought it that another reluctant aaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh came from her lips as she fought the urge to push, she removed her hands from Serena’s shoulders and placed her hands on Serena’s knees, feeling the need to be doubled over. She could feel the intensity of the pain and pressure building again and she locked her legs together feeling scared and frustrated. She was becoming exhausted now, she wanted a break, just a few minutes to regain some strength, as the pressure eased her arms gave way against Serena and She placed her forehead on Serena’s knees, allowing Serena to use one hand to un-stick her hair and the other to rub comforting circles on her lower back.  
‘’Bernie please’’ she whispered into her ear. Bernie sat up again preparing herself for her next contraction and Serena tucked her hair behind her ears, pulling her fingers through the tousles. ‘’Your boiling, we need to cool you down.’’ Bernie didn’t speak Serena took the lack of protest as approval and began undoing the buttons on Bernie’s blouse before sliding it off her shoulders. Bernie looked relieved instantly at the feeling of cool air on her skin and taking in another deep breath. Serena looked at Bernie in front of her, leaning on her for support, wanting more than anything to take all the pain and discomfort away. She glanced down at the bump in front of her, wanting to place her hand on it but worried that Bernie would back away ‘’You know, only you could be heavily pregnant and still fit into your skinny jeans.’’ Serena said playfully, trying to lighten the mood. Bernie giggled and sniffed away tears.

I’ve missed her smile Serena thought.  
‘’Mmmmmmmmmm NO NO NO NO NO, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. SERENA!’’  
‘’It’s ok it’s ok, I think we might need to remove those jeans’’, Serena suggested calmly.  
‘’NO! Bernie shook her head.  
‘’Bernie, sweetheart, you’re going to have to’’  
‘’NO!’’ she cried.  
Serena looked at her, feeling helpless, her heart was breaking at watching Bernie in so much pain, she had never seen her look so vulnerable before.  
‘’hooo,hoo,hoo,hoo’’ Bernie panted out trying to compose herself again before speaking. ‘’Waters haven’t still time theres still time’’ was all she managed to get out.  
Fighting hard against pushing, she was struggling and feeling more and more out of control, realising she was hurting Serena by clinging onto her knees she moved her hands up and placed them on Serena’s hips, holding fistfuls of Serena’s blouse and squeezing as tight as she possibly could as the contractions were coming one after another allowing barely more than a minute rest time between each one. The pressure was beginning to built again, her breathing rapid, she balled up her hands, squeezing fistfuls of Serena’s blouse as Serena rubbed her back and kissed her forehead whispering words of comfort and encouragement in her ear, persuading her to work with the contractions rather than against them. Holding onto Serena’s hips as tight as she could, she rocked back and forth, her whole body tensed up, stronger and stronger she fought with everything she had, shaking her head as she could not vocalise the word NO, the pain was excruciating, it was too much, she had to push, shaking her head violently her body was overpowered by the contraction and she screamed out a long groan as her entire body worked against her. The intensity had stepped up a gear and as Bernie moved her hands to grab onto Serena’s arms needing the additional support from something, anything. She shouted out long and loud as she felt something happen, she looked down in panic to see her waters had broken, tainted with blood.  
NO NO NO NO NO she shook her head violently. Tears flowing down her cheeks, every part of her was saying no. No, she was not ready. No, not here. No, not now.   
‘’Listen to me, LISTEN TO ME’’ Serena grabbed Bernie’s forearms and shook slightly and she tried to shake some sense into Bernie to calm her down. ‘’You can do this, okay, YOU.CAN.DO.THIS’’ Serena placed her forehead to Bernie’s needing a minute to compose herself and feeling shocked to see the big macho army medic so vulnerable. She had no idea she would be so scared, she had imagined her to be so cool, calm and collected right to the very end, after all, Bernie was never emotional, clearly these hormones have been causing chaos in her mind, Serena’s thought and she couldn’t help but stray to the thought of what she was like to live with for her last two pregnancies.

‘’IM NOT READY, IM NOT READY’’ Bernie cried out.  
‘’Hey’’ Serena cupped Bernies cheeks in her hands, ‘’what happened to the girl who was blown up in the army then was ready to go back and give them hell eh’’  
Bernie couldn’t even smile she just continued to cry. ‘’Its different, its not the same, I’m not ready, it’s going to change everything, I’m not ready’’ she sobbed loudly. She had never laid her soul so bare, never let her guard down this much, she was always so, together, so composed and Serena knew now that she had missed something big.  
‘’Bernie, what do you mean?’’ Serena asked, she already knew, deep down, it had just dawned on her in that moment, but she needed to hear it from her.  
‘’I don’t want to let you go’’ Bernie cried out, more tears than ever tumbling down.  
Suddenly it all made sense to Serena and things she had never thought of up until now were like missing pieces of a jig saw that she was able to place together. ‘’you’ve been in denial all this time’’ Serena whispered, an overwhelming feeling of guilt swept her. ‘’You knew didn’t you?’’ Serena asked and Bernie shook her head ‘’No I didn’t Serena I didn’t.’’  
‘’And since then‘’Serena asked cautiously ‘’The long hours, the extra shifts, killer heels at the fundraiser, oh god it all makes sense now, you wouldn’t let me touch you, in the hotel room, your bump, in fact I’ve never seen you touch your bump, EVEN NOW’’ Serena shouted gesturing at Bernie and Bernie looked away in shame as a waterfall of tears fell down her cheeks. ‘’The lack of maternity clothes, you did a 12 hour shift before the fundraiser, no wonder you were exhausted! Bernie why didn’t you talk to me, you could have just talked to me, I could have been there for you I COULD HAVE HELPED YOU.’’ Serena realised when Bernie ran it was through fear and now here she was completely mentally unprepared for labour as she had buried her head in the sand pretending she wasn’t even pregnant.   
‘’It was too late, damage was already done, I seen it Serena, I seen it in your eyes, you were angry with me, I know you had every right to be, I’m angry with myself. I do want him, I want to make him happy and give him everything I can, but I just wish I had more time, found out earlier, had spent more time with you before we go our separate ways, that night at the hotel, I wanted to tell you how beautiful you looked, in your dress, your amazing Serena, and I’m sorry I let you down. I’m so sorry’’ Bernie gasped in a breath, sobbing hysterically.   
Serena grabbed Bernie, wrapped her arms around her so tight, ‘’It’s ok, breath, ssshh, breath it’s okay, everything’s going to be okay, I promise, I’ve got you, breath, I’ve got you.’’  
Finally looking into Serena’s tearful eyes, one look said a thousand words; this was the moment, quickly leaning in together they kissed firmly and lovingly the taste of salty tears on their lips. Bernie was the first to pull away as she felt the strongest contraction yet. ‘’I need to move!’’ she shouted, panic in her voice but calmer than she had been previously, she turned her back to Serena and Serena realised how uncomfortable and vulnerable Bernie felt in this moment, she was terrified and completely out of her comfort zone. In effort to help, Serena picked up the blanket that Raff had brought in earlier and placed it over her, ensuring she was covered before taking her jeans and knickers off for her. Serena then sat behind Bernie allowing her to rest back against her.  
Bernie looked at the time 4:45 am, she sobbed again.  
‘’When did this start?’’ Serena was curious.  
Bernie could barely speak through her sobbing, ‘’yesterday’’ she choked out  
‘’Bernie!’’  
‘’Don’t shout at me, ahhhh this is it, Serena!’’  
‘’It’s alright, just breath, take my hands, come on you can do this.’’   
Bernie took Serena’s hands, sitting in between Serena’s legs she sat up slightly pushing with everything she had, she crashed back down against Serena as she took a few seconds to rest, ‘’It hurts’’ she shouted out, moving her fingers nervously in Serena’s as her sweaty palms tried to find a comfortable grip.   
Her body tensed up again and she lifted her upper body again as she pushed down.   
‘’Come on your doing really well’’ Serena said between planting kisses on the blondes forehead.  
Bernie tried again, again crashing her body back down into Serena, she was exhausted, and Serena became aware of just how much blood Bernie had lost as she saw the puddle around them. Bernie’s eyes were closed, Serena nudged her forcefully, ‘’Bernie I need you to stay awake, we need to get this baby out’’  
‘’can’t, I can’t’’ Bernie replied weakly.  
Serena was beginning to worry.  
‘’Yes you can, come on’’ she picked her up from under her arms and lifted her into more of a sitting position. Moving up onto her own knees she moved round Bernie so that she was now facing her, she helped her move again so that they were both standing on there knees, Bernie’s arms having been placed around Serena’s neck. ‘’Hold tight to me’’ she whispered. She used her hands to push Bernie’s knees apart and again the change of breathing pattern signalled a contraction, Bernie barely conscious, had her head buried in Serena’s neck. Bernie’s body tensed up for the final time before a long  
‘’mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm’’ Which Serena was pleased to hear as it signalled she was still conscious. Serena had the blanket ready as the baby came out, covered in blood but perfect non the less. Bernie’s body went limp against Serena’s.

 

’IS HE OK, IS HE OK’’ she shouted, there was a small hesitation before,  
‘’HE’S PERFECT, HE’S PERFECT, YOUR PERFECT.’’ Serena kissed multiple kisses on Bernie’s forehead before whispering in her ear ‘’I’m so proud of you! So proud of you! You did amazing!!’’ They were both crying only this time they were happy tears. Serena placed the baby onto Bernie’s chest, Bernie still resting on Serena her arms still wrapped round her neck only her body was facing sideways. They watched him for a few minutes, each holding onto each other tightly in awe of the beautiful bundle of joy placed before them. ‘’He’s got your eyes’’ Serena smiled letting the little one grasp her finger, she looked at Bernie.  
‘’Bernie’’ her eyes were closed, Serena tried to shake her awake. ‘’BERNIE!’’


	7. Major help

Bernie lay limp, eyes closed, cradled in Serena’s arms, the baby still lying on her chest not crying but making his own gurgling noises. Serena’s eyes widened as she realised Bernie had just slipped into unconsciousness. ‘’Come on Bernie don’t do this to me’’ she said as she began to step into action. The consultant in her thinking fast as she began to lay Bernie onto the floor gently to allow the baby to remain rested on her chest. She ensured Bernie was still breathing and checked her pulse, both were faint and weak, but were still there nonetheless. Serena spun round unsure of what to do next, scanning the room for a phone or set of keys that she hoped to god had been forgotten in order to get Bernie out of here and get her treated. 

Much to Serena’s immense relief somebody, somewhere must have heard her, looked down on her, she had thought only for a split second that it could have been Elinor because suddenly a knight in shining armour in the shape of Raff De Luca was at the door, jingling keys. He opened the door happily, unaware of the trauma he was about to see before him.

‘’BERNIE! Is she breathing, is the baby alright, are you alright?’’ he asked Serena as he crouched down beside them and began assessing everybody.  
Serena nodded as tears of relief, stress, panic and gratitude began to fall. Raff began checking Bernies breathing and pulse, shining his torch in her eyes.  
‘’Raff, don’t let her die on me’’ she said through sobs. Raff looked up, giving Serena eye contact; one look said more than words ever could. He wanted more than anything to say the words ‘I won’t’ but he knew he couldn’t give them and instead scooped up Bernie in his arms. Serena placing her hand on the baby to allow him to remain rested on Bernie’s lifeless body as Raff stood up. Bernie’s long, slender bare legs smeared with blood which had now transferred onto Raff’s forearms and scrubs. Her tousled hair waved with the motion as her head draped back in Raffs hold. They walked briskly out of the room, one of Serena’s hands holding onto Bernie’s as Raff carried her and the other placed on top of the baby ensuring his safety before Raff laid Bernie onto a bed, the white sheets turning red as it absorbed the endless amount of blood that had now covered Bernie’s ankles and hands. ‘’Page for a theatre team’’ he delegated to Serena as he began taking care of the situation. Serena ran off to the nurse’s station, paged and called for help before making one more phone call.

There was only one man in her life that she trusted enough for this moment. One man whom she trusted with her own life and therefore trusted him enough to know that he would ensure everything that could possibly be done, would be done for the one and only woman left in her life whom she loved with all her heart. That man was Henrik Hansen.

Staff came rushing into AAU one after the other, all ready for theatre. Serena sat at the nurses station, head in hands feeling utterly helpless.  
‘’Ms Campbell’’ came Hansen’s normal voice. No panic, no sympathy, just the usual mysterious yet authoritative tone. It was in this moment that she couldn’t quite believe how he had ended up in this profession. Nothing seemed to faze him, he was always a calm presence, it was somehow comforting yet frustratingly irritating at the same time.  
Serena did not look up, just remained sitting at the desk, tears flowing with her head in her hands.  
‘’Ms Campbell, It is in these difficult times that I sometimes think to myself.’’  
‘’Keep calm and carry on’’ Serena said with a sarcastic chuckle.  
‘’Quite the contrary, What would the Major do?’’  
Serena looked up and him and smiled, he was right, she wouldn’t be sitting here crying, she would be getting stuck in there not giving up without a fight and making sure she was doing everything she possibly could.

‘’I believe we have a new addition to the AAU family that I have still yet to introduce myself to, care to join me?’’  
Serena envied his cool, calm and collected approach yet it comforted her at the same time. Together the walked to the paediatrics department to check on the baby who had just been whisked there by hospital staff so that Bernie could go into theatre.   
Serena couldn’t bring herself to see the baby without Bernie by her side and instead remained near the door of the treatment room whist watching Hansen talk to the baby as if it were an adult.   
‘’Hello, how do you do’’ Hansen said to the tiny 5lbs 2oz baby in the cot in front of him. Serena giggled, instantly feeling guilty and began crying again.

They returned to AAU some time later and Raff came to give the update to an extremely worried Serena, ‘’She’s had servere internal bleeding and has needed 3 blood transfusions, we’ll keep her under close observation but, it’s looking positive.’’ Serena let out a gasp of air in relief. Raff shifted on the spot nervously, ‘’Serena, I am so sorry, for locking you both in, I didn’t think, I saw you sleeping, Bernie said you hadn’t slept in weeks, I was just trying to help.’’  
Serena shook her head, ‘’this isn’t your fault, you have nothing to be sorry about’’  
‘’I should have thought on, who locks a pregnant woman in a room with no phone.’’ He said, clearly annoyed and disappointed with himself.  
‘’Honestly Raff, don’t beat yourself up about it, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine, I was the reason she was in there, I was the reason she’s been in denial about this pregnancy.’’ Serena felt numb as she said it.  
‘’Now now we can all play the blame game later’’ Came Hansens firm, calm voice. ‘’Right now I believe one of our trauma surgeons has a little someone she still has yet to meet, can someone please arrange for baby Wolfe to be escorted to Ms Wolfes room please.’’

Serena entered the side room in which Bernie was recovering from her surgery. Walking up to her cautiously and picking up her hand and placing a kiss on it before walking to the foot of the bed and picking up Bernie’s notes. She wanted to ensure she remained fully in the loop with regards to Bernie’s treatment. As she scanned the paper she was shocked by what she found, she looked up at sleeping Bernie in the bed in front of her, horrified by what she had just read. Serena was soon snapped back into reality as Fletch wheeled in a small cot containing Bernie’s baby.  
‘’Had to give the nurse on peads my number for this favour. You owe me big time.’’ He smiled, keeping the mood light as always. ‘’I’ll leave you three to it’’ he said before sloping off. The room was quiet except for the small beeping of a monitor attached to Bernie and the soft gurgles of the baby.

‘’Hello you’’ she smiled looking down at the tiny bundle of joy before her. ‘’Well you certainly know how to make an entrance. I have to say you could have timed it better. She paused to watch him, taking in every detail of his features; he was much smaller than Elinor had been. The room was painfully quiet, after all the drama, chaos and trauma of the last 12 hours you would think that the silence would be tranquil but Serena hated it, she just wanted her Bernie awake.  
‘’We have to look after her now you know’’ She spoke softly, whispering into the small plastic hospital cot where he lay. ‘’Both of us, she needs us’’ she paused to scoop him up in her arms before walking around the room cradling him. ‘’I know she likes to put on a front, she likes to pretend she’s tough does your mother, oh and believe me she is, so be warned, just wait till you see that ‘no messing about look’ oh yes she means business. But she’s more vulnerable than you think, she’s softer than you think and we have to look after her now, we have to look after each other. So, that means sleeping right through the night mister, doing well in school, make sure you eat all of your vegetables and when your older if you’re going to drink, smoke and bring girls back at least make sure she doesn’t catch you okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.’’

‘’Don’t you listen to her’’ came a small whisper of a gravelled, husky voice. Serena looked up to see Bernie stirring, eyes adjusting to the light, Bernie cleared her throat and began moving around slow but restless trying to find a comfortable position, her facial expression wincing at the pain. Still sleepy from the drugs and anesthetic, she fought and was failing to wake up. ‘’There’ll be no drinking, smoking, girls.’’  
She laid her head back onto the pillows, closing her eyes sleepily. ‘’I’ll be keeping a close eye on him.’’   
Eyes still closed she tried sitting herself up ever so slightly but was struggling ‘’he’s going to get himself a good job and a good wife, have himself a happy, fulfilled life, certainly wont be making the same mistakes as his mother that’s for sure, Ill make sure of that.’’ She collapsed back against the pillows exhausted and breathless, she had only moved a few inches but her body had been through so much in the last 12 hours. Her eyes rolled back and Serena had thought she was falling back to sleep again when he head lolled to one side, she looked at Serena with tired heavy eyes and smiled.

‘’Bernie’’ Serena approached cautiously, sitting on the edge of Bernie’s bed as close as she could, their thighs and arms touching, allowing her to see her baby. ‘’Do you want to hold him’’ she said as she began to hand him over. Bernie shook her head in refusal ‘’he’s happy with you’’ she said giving a sad smile. Serena looked up at Bernie confused as to why she didn’t want to hold him but knew she was beyond exhausted. Her question was answered in one avoiding look. As Bernie gazed lovingly and her baby, smiling and stroking his head with her finger, Serena felt the fear radiate from her. 

‘’Bernie, I’ve seen your notes’’  
Bernie’s eyes fixed to her baby in front of her, purposefully avoiding looking Serena in the eye. ‘’Bernie’’ Serena hesitated waiting for Bernie to look at her. Realising she wouldn’t she continued ‘’three broken ribs, abrasions and lacerations to the head, wrists and ankles, bruised eye socked and split lip that required stitches.’’ Serena spoke as if reading the notes from in front of her, she had memorized what had been written. ‘’talk to me Bernie, tell me what’s been going on.’’  
Bernie closed her eyes, ‘’Now you now why I couldn’t come back’’ she said barely more than a whisper.  
‘’You could have called me, you should have called me, I sent you texts, emails, left voicemails and all the time you were missing you were in the same bloody building.’’  
‘’I didn’t ask to get brought here’’ Bernie interrupted her, full of attitude.  
‘’Tell me what happened’’ Serena said, she was firm but caring at the same time.  
Bernie rolled her eyes and sighed, she did not want to have this conversation, she was too tired, it was awkward and stressful and she’d been through enough, she just wanted sleep, she just wanted peace, but she couldn’t exactly run off anywhere, could she? Bernie took a deep breath  
‘’I went to tell him’’ Bernie spoke slowly and quietly  
‘’Who, Marcus? Marcus did this to you?’’ Serena’s tone becoming worried.  
‘’Thought I owed it to him, to be honest’’  
‘’And he wasn’t happy, about the baby’’  
‘’oh no he was delighted’’  
‘’I don’t understand’’  
‘’He was delighted about the baby, just not about its mother.’’ Bernie finally opened her eyes, they were glazed with un-fallen tears. ‘’Said I’m not fit to be a mother, that he would (guesturing at the baby) be better off without me, you know seen as I messed up so much with Charlotte and Cam.’’  
Serena couldn’t believe what she was hearing; it was almost as if Bernie actually believed what rubbish Marcus had been telling her.  
‘’So what, he hit you?’’ Serena was still confused.  
‘’No, no not at first, he wanted me to stay there, give birth to the baby then he would let me go, he would look after him without me.’’  
‘’Let you go?’’ Serena was nervous as she asked this one, fear ran through her bones as she recalled what was written on the notes (abrasions and lacerations to wrists and ankles) her stomach sank and she felt physically sick at the thought of Bernie tied up.  
A tear ran down Bernie’s cheek and she used both hands to sweep them away before looking down at her baby giving him a big, beaming smile while letting him grasp her finger.  
Bernie was purposefully giggling at her baby still in Serena’s arms and using him as a distraction to avoid the subject, pretending not to notice Serena’s eyes burning into her as she watched her pretending everything was fine but knowing the trauma she had been through. Serena felt a wave of guilt and protection for Bernie.  
‘’How long?’’ Serena asked coldly, she was shaking with rage at the thought of what Marcus had done.  
‘’What, oh, well it doesn’t matter, I got away, see’’ lifting her hands gesturing to herself and smiling.  
‘’How long!’’ Serena’s voice was firm and authoritive.  
Bernie sighed ‘’I was only in there a few weeks, it wasn’t long, all the days seem to just merge together when you’re stuck in a room with nothing to do.’’ Bernie regretted giving away that last piece of information almost instantly.  
‘’How did you get away?’’ again cold and firm as she could not hide her anger.  
‘’Serena’’ she was about to protest answering all these questions. The words ‘do we really have to go through all this was on the tip of her tongue when Serena gave her the look. The look that all F1s dreaded!  
Bernie sighed again, feeling defeated ‘’Managed to escape the ropes didn’t I, 25 years in the army has some advantages. Although you could say disadvantages as it took weeks to get out’’ Bernie said playfully and Serena was not amused. She did not find it funny at all. Another look from Serena was all it took to force Bernie to continue.  
‘’I tried to escaped, got caught, we fought, I escaped again, next thing you know I’m waking up in here, apparently I made it out of the house and was found unconscious in an alleyway, I don’t remember all of it but, yeah, there we have it.’’  
Serena sat in shock, words failing her as she remained speechless. Hatred and anger built up inside her. Bernie continued talking to the baby in front of her as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.  
Serena’s flight mode kicked in as she felt emotion tighten in her chest. She was torn between handing over the baby running out and sobbing in private or wrapping her arms around Bernie, squeezing her tight and never letting her go. Taking a staggered breath to compose herself, she whispered ‘’You need to tell the police.’’  
‘’hmm’’ Bernie looked up from smiling and giggling at the baby ‘’what, oh yeah, they already know.’’  
‘’Well’’ Serena pushed for more information. It was like getting blood from a stone.  
‘’Well he was arrested, out on bail now I think.’’  
‘’Bernie, how can you be so calm’’ Serena wanted to shake some sense into Bernie, she was becoming more frustrated with her by the minute.  
Bernie looked up again sensing the irritation in her voice ‘’Because he’s not important, I’m not important, the only people that matter to me are my children and you, anything else I can live with.’’ Bernie replied bluntly.  
Serena sighed, there was so much they needed to discuss, their relationship had been hanging by a thread for weeks, at least she knew why Bernie had been away for six weeks after finding out she was pregnant, she hadn’t really ran away, just was locked away, unable to return. Serena remembered the awful things she had said to Bernie about not wanting her, not needing her. She also remembered what Bernie had said about each of them going their separate ways once the baby was here, she wondered if that was still what Bernie wanted.


	8. Au Revoir?

A few weeks later and Bernie had decided to return to work after Serena’s updates on how the three replacements chosen to cover Bernie were, in Serena’s words, ‘as much use as a chocolate fireguard.’ Bernie had bonded well with her baby, loved him more than words could say, but she needed that work life balance back, she hired a nanny and returned on the condition of flexi time something in which Hanssen and Serena were happy to accommodate if it meant getting their trauma surgeon back. The flexi time enabled Bernie to spend quality time with her baby each morning or evening, depending on how tired he was, she would run back at lunch times if needed and she no longer now worked weekends. Things seemed to be going well for everyone. Serena had been actively involved in both Bernie and the baby’s life, popping round to Bernie’s house most days since she had left the hospital, the dynamic of their relationship had changed with regards to romance but the friendship between them had been stronger than ever, or so she thought.

Bernie was back in her scrubs and enjoying being back in her work, she had just finished with a patient and was about to move on to the next when she was called over by Fletch, ‘’Ms Wolfe, just a minute’’ he said before handing over a patient file. Bernie took it automatically assuming she would be assessing notes when she was surprised to find an A4 Good Luck, Sorry You’re Leaving card inside. ‘’Most people have signed it already, we’re just waiting for you, oh and leaving drinks are on Friday night, I trust you’ll be there’’ he said cheerily.  
Bernie hadn’t realised there was someone leaving, she’s normally to absorbed in her work to keep up with the rumour mill but with 10 weeks off on maternity also she felt completely out of the loop. She opened the card clicking her pen ready to sign when suddenly she felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. Her legs had gone to jelly and her surroundings seemed to whirl around her in slow motion.   
‘To Serena, we will miss you, have an amazing time in France, Love Morven’ xxxx  
WHAT THE FUCK she thought, luckily the word did not spill from her lips.  
Bernie continued to read the messages in the card.

‘To Serena, To Serena, Dear Serena’ She checked each one confused, ‘’all the best, good luck for the future Ms Campbell, can’t believe you are leaving us’’ other messages read.  
Fletch noticed Bernie’s face as she read the messages ‘’Earth to Ms Wolfe, drinks, Friday, you will be there right.’’  
‘’What, oh, yes, of course’’ Bernie closed the file containing the card and handed it back to Fletch, luckily he hadn’t realised she hadn’t signed it, she couldn’t bring herself to, she was sure this must all be some kind of misunderstanding, some kind of sick joke, but just the thought of Serena leaving made Bernie want to burst into tears, which was actually easily done these days, dam hormones.

Bernie took herself off to the office, she needed some space to think, to cry. She wanted answers, but Serena was in a meeting with Hanssen, she contemplated interrupting the meeting, her heart telling her to barge in and shout the words ‘is it true’ but her head told her other wise and instead she remained at her computer trying her best to focus on her work, letting the tears roll down her cheeks.  
Surely she wouldn’t have done this to me, she can’t just go, after everything we’ve been through together, yes I suppose I did it to her, but that was different, things we’re different. Her mind was on overdrive.

Serena walked into the office, ‘’Thank goodness that meetings over, fancy a coffee?’’  
Bernie stood from her chair, adrenaline racing through her body, her hands we’re shaking. She had spent the last 45 minutes rehearsing and planning a speech in her head, she knew exactly what she was going to say and how she was going to say it, because after all this must have been a mistake. However the second she saw Serena’s face that planned speech had left her mind and what came out was sharp and full of attitude ‘’I hear best wishes are in order.’’ That wasn’t how you were supposed to do it she thought to her self.  
‘’Sorry’’ Serena stopped in her tracks and took in the view of Bernie’s tear stained face.  
‘’You know, France, that’s where your going isn’t it?’’ Again Bernie spoke with attitude while organising her desk, slamming things down and avoiding looking at Serena.  
The tension in the room was painful.  
‘’How do you?’’ Serena paused she wanted to say ‘’how do you know before realising that finding the source of the leak was not the priority. ‘’I was going to tell you, I was just waiting for, you know, the right moment, the right words.’’ Serena’s voice was small and desperate.  
‘’Oh you needn’t of worried, the full ward found a way, and the right words too it seems, good luck, sorry your leaving I think was the words they used.’’ Bernie was seething.  
‘’Bernie’’ Serena said in a small voice, she was devastated that Bernie had found out in this way, the very last thing she wanted was to hurt her.   
‘’I’ve got patients to see’’ and with that Bernie had stropped off out of the office, slamming the door on her way out leaving Serena devastated.

Serena tried several times to talk to Bernie over the coming days, she needed to explain but all of her attempts were refused or ignored by Bernie. If Serena walked in a room, Bernie walked out, the atmosphere was uncomfortable for everyone.   
The week came to an end and before Bernie knew it, it was Friday night, Serena’s leaving drinks night. Most of the staff got changed at work and headed straight for the bar however Bernie went home, still unsure as to whether she would be attending. She was still angry with Serena but if Serena was leaving tomorrow, she knew she couldn’t leave things like this.  
Bernie sought to her baby, feeding and changing him, spending some precious time before his bath and sleep. ‘’Looks like it’s just the two of us now little man.’’ She said with a sad smile as she cradled him in her arms.  
Having decided she needed to see Serena before she left she arranged a baby sitter and began getting ready to go out. If tonight was going to be the last time her and Serena seen each other, she was going to make sure she gave her something good to remember.

She pulled out some black leather look skinny jeans, her highest heels, spritzed on perfume and put a small amount of lipstick on. Her hair softly tousled as usual, she couldn’t remember ever making this much effort for a night out before.

She arrived at the bar to find it packed with people, all of which she recognised from working at the hospital. She scanned the room looking for Serena but her eyes found Jasmine, Morven, Fletch and Raff first. Morven’s mouth open slightly and she nudged Jasmine at the sight of Bernie arriving.  
Jasmine looked up at Bernie, ‘’Wow, Bernie, you look.’’   
Bernie’s eyes widened as she panicked thinking she had over done it with how she looked.  
‘’YOU LOOK HOT’’ Jasmine finished, they all sat there speechless and Bernie let out a gaspy laugh in relief.  
‘’Drinks?’’ Bernie asked them, a shy smile growing and feeling her cheeks blush she needed to escape the attention and order herself a much needed double scotch.  
Bernie stood at the bar on her own and felt the presence of someone stand, shoulder to shoulder beside her. She didn’t even need to look to know it was Serena, she could smell her perfume and feel the sexual magnetism between them as they stood side by side both looking ahead.  
Serena broke the ice first, ‘’you came’’ she said looking directly at the bottles of spirits behind the bar.  
‘’Of course I came, wasn’t going to let you go without saying goodbye.’’ Bernie smiled a big, shy grin.  
Serena spoke to the barman and ordered her usual, a bottle of shiraz, Bernie swirling the ice in her scotch.  
There was a painful pause while they both thought of the right words.  
‘’Bernie’’  
‘’Serena’’  
They spoke at the same time and their eyes connected. Staring longingly into each others eyes hoping they could telepathically say the words I Love You without having to say them out loud. Were they going to kiss? Serena was moving closer to Bernie, pulling in like a magnet, eyes fleeting between eyes and lips, only seconds from connecting when. . .


	9. Is this where the partys at

‘’Bernie you made it’’ Dom said placing his hand on Bernie’s shoulder and squeezing between both her and Serena to get served at the bar. Bernie’s eyes dropped to the floor in disappointment, a cheeky, irritated pout over took her face followed by a smile when she realised Serena had rolled her eyes at the interruption.  
‘’I need some air’’ Serena dismissed her self and headed out side.  
Bernie was unsure if she should go after her and headed over to the table where all her co-workers were sitting, frequent glances at the entrance of the door, impatiently waiting for Serena to return.  
After 15 long minutes, Bernie decided to go out, she couldn’t wait any longer, she needed to see Serena. She walked out of the door, down the steps and walked forward looking left and right out onto the street, her brow furrowed as she thought for a moment that Serena had gone home. Bernie didn’t know what time her flight was tomorrow, would she ever see her Serena again?

Bernie’s shoulders dropped and sheer disappointment overcame her as she accepted Serena had gone, maybe even for good. She began walking back up the steps to head back into the bar when someone at the right leaning against the wall, bottle in hand caught her eye. It was Serena! Bernie smiled the biggest smile Serena had ever seen and Bernie looked up to the stars trying to act nonchalant and casual, covering her tracks after the clear look of desperation and disappointment that had just been shown.  
‘’So this is where the parties at?’’ Bernie said casually, leaning against the wall beside Serena, taking the bottle from her hand and taking a swig before handing it back.  
‘’Something like that’’ Serena said also looking up to the stars.  
It was a beautiful night, not too cold, the sky a deep, bright blue leaving only the streetlights and the stars to illuminate the street.   
‘’Shouldn’t you be in there celebrating?’’ Bernie spoke slowly and quietly ‘’looking forward to fine French wine and cheese and meeting some young mademoiselle singing voulez vous coucher avec moi?’’ Bernie smiled and they both giggled.

They both finally gave in and gave each other eye contact, each time they looked at each other they both felt an overwhelming wave, was it lust? passion? love?   
Either way it was like an uncontrollable force, pulling them closer and closer together. That need for each other. That want for each other, their eyes looking lovingly and longingly into the depths of each others souls, silently communicating their unconditional love for each other. Undeniable sexual chemistry they had once called it.   
Serena whispered something, only barely audible ‘’You look . . . ‘’ Serena shook her head pouting ‘’oossshh’’ was the sound she made.  
Bernie dropped her focus to her shoes in embarrassment, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously, she could feel her cheeks heating up as they blushed pink.  
‘’You look. . . Wow’’ Serena whispered again, and she reached up affectionately to tuck a stray piece of hair that Bernie had missed behind her ear before leaning back against the wall and taking another swig from the bottle.  
Bernie felt her chest heat up and quickly began playing with her necklace feeling awkward, uncomfortable and nervous, yet slightly smug with herself at the reaction she had just received.   
‘’So I don’t scrub up to badly for a middle aged single Mother then’’ Whispered Bernie.  
She looks so cute when she’s embarrassed Serena thought  
‘’Maybe skip the ‘middle aged single mother’ for MILF’’ As always Serena’s wit was on top form and she enjoyed watching Bernie squirm with shyness and embarrassment.  
Bernie let out a loud laugh; she was shocked to hear Serena use such a word and she was stunned to hear that word used about her.  
Bernie reached for the bottle from Serena still giggling and took a swig, she handed it back and their hands brushed together. They stopped both looking down at their hands touching.  
‘’I am happy for you, you know’’ Bernie whispered. ‘’I know I haven’t done a good job of showing it, but I am happy for you, it sounds like a good opportunity does France and you deserve that. She nodded and smiled stroking the back of Serena’s hand, interlocking there fingers. ‘’However’’ She continued ‘’you better let those mademoiselles know, if anyone, anywhere even thinks about hurting you, I know a very hormonal, sleep deprived ex army major who happens to be quite handy with a scalpel.’’  
Serena laughed but as Bernie looked up she seen a tear run down Serena’s cheek, Bernie moved in closer and used her thumb to sweep Serena’s tears away. Serena moved in, body pressed against body, eyes fleeting between eyes and lips again, lips hovering only millimetres apart before. . .


	10. Can't let go

Finally the kiss that had took so long.

Loving, slow, deep and passionate, if this it the end, it couldn’t be more of a perfect ending Serena thought to herself.

Serena did love Bernie, with all of her heart, but it had been so hard recently knowing all they could ever be now was friends. Bernie had already made it clear that she had wanted Serena to move on, to find someone new, someone who could give her a better life. The dynamic of their relationship had to change so that Bernie could prioritise the baby and allow Serena the life she wanted her to have, the one she deserved, a one that was not overcome with responsibilities and upsetting memories. Serena loved the baby too, really loved him, but each day, each milestone reminded her more and more of Elinor, and it was like a stab wound to the heart on a daily basis. She was happy for Bernie to have such a healthy, happy baby, of course she was, and proud of the mother she had become, but she couldn’t help but feel a little envy that Bernie was lucky enough to have three healthy children whilst her one and only child was dead. They had grown apart since Serena informed Bernie of her pregnancy and the distance between them was only increasing rapidly. Serena couldn’t take it anymore, it was too upsetting to stand and watch the woman she loves, everything had changed, she envied the life they once had and longed to have it back, but it was too late now, and Serena wasn’t sure if they were strong enough to fight the obstacles between them. It was easier just to go, to move on and start a new life for herself and allow Bernie to do the same. 

Their kiss was broken by the sound of Zosia and Olly giggling as they stumbled out of the bar drunk and into the taxi.

Bernie growled as she pulled from their interrupted kiss, resting her forehead on Serena’s in frustration. Serena giggled and planted a soft peck on Bernie’s nose.  
They watched the taxi containing Olly and Zosia pull away. The tension between them taught yet loving as they held in the words they longed to speak out. Bernie’s phone beeped in her clutch bag. Head still rested against Serena’s, she clenched her eyes in frustration before taking it out and reading the message.  
‘’Everything ok?’’ Serena asked.  
‘’Babysitter’’ Bernie replied, texting quickly and placing her phone back in her bag.

More and more staff began to leave the bar as the night came to a close.

‘’Well I suppose this is goodbye then?’’ Serena said taking hold of both of Bernie’s hands. Bernie could feel the onset of a panic attack rise in her lungs, like a ton of bricks landing hard and heavy on her chest, restricting her breathing, at hearing the word ‘’goodbye.’’ She couldn’t let Serena go, she wasn’t ready, not yet, not ever really, but just a little more time she thought as she gripped Serena’s hands tighter.   
This did not go unnoticed by Serena who recalled fondly the night in the hotel when Bernie squeezed her hand tight for reassurance as she felt shy walking through the crowds. It was moments like this that made Serena love her even more.   
‘’What times your flight?’’ Bernie asked. She wanted to be with Serena right up until the very end, she wanted to treasure every last second with her.  
‘’Not till two tomorrow’’  
Two tomorrow, right, there is still time Bernie thought ‘’come back to mine, tonight, please, if you want that is, you don’t have to, sorry, I just thought we could, um, sorry, silly idea, I expect you’ve got packing to do and people to see, and, um, forget I said anything.’’  
Bernie stumbled on her words feeling annoyed and frustrated with her own rambling that she hadn’t heard Serena speak.  
Serena shook her head in disbelief at this nervous wreck of a woman in front of her. She loved the way Bernie went all of a flutter around her, how is it possible that little old me, manages to make this beautiful, strong, intelligent woman that’s strong enough to take on a war zone fall to pieces. Serena thought.  
‘’Bernie! I said, I’d like that.’’ Serena giggled  
Bernie took in a gasp of breath in relief, Yes, she said yes! Right, if this is going to be our last night together, I’m going to make sure it’s a night Serena will never forget. Bernie thought to herself.


	11. A night to remember?

Once they returned to Bernie's house, Bernie said goodbye to the babysitter leaving Serena to pour them both a drink. Serena was perfectly familiar with Bernie's kitchen from all the time she had spent there while they were together and after Bernie had returned home from hospital.

Bernie closed the front door and turned around to see Serena standing in the kitchen doorway, two glasses of wine in her hands and a sultry smile on her face.

''Drink'' Serena asked flirtatiously, their eyes locked on one another.

No words needed to be spoken, Bernie had a glint in her eye and a small pout on her lipstick stained lips, she strutted along the passage towards Serena, heels clicking along the porcelain tiled floor with each step she took. She took both glasses from Serena's hands, fingers brushing together gently before she carried on walking to place the glasses on the bench. She turned on her heel, hands behind her back holding onto the worktop as she took a second to take in her view of the beautiful woman before her, she stepped towards Serena, pulled her in by the waist, Serena smiling and stepping into Bernie's embrace clumsily before Bernie pounced a deep, passionate kiss on her mouth. Bernie pushed Serena against the wall. Pulling back slightly for only a second to check that Serena was okay, that this was what she wanted. No words needed to be spoken; just one look said it all for Bernie to continue. The pace quickened and Bernie began dragging wet, hot, gentle kisses along Serena's neck. ''If this is going to be the last night I have with you, I'm going to make it the best night you've ever had'' Bernie whispered into Serena's ear. Feeling a tickle at Bernie's hot breath on her ear, Serena shivered, a tingle raced up her spine. Her knees felt weak as Bernie ran her hands over her shoulders, down her arms, interlocking their fingers before placing Serena's hands firmly above her head.

''Oh Bernie'' Serena moaned, as Bernie ran her hands back down, cupping Serena's cheek and grinding her hips against her, bodies pressed together against the wall. Bernie and Serena remained connected in kiss as they walked they way along the passage, knocking over various ornaments from the side table near the door as they transported each other to the staircase.

Bernie pulled at the collar on Serena's blouse and began to kiss the bare skin on her shoulders as the climbed the stairs.

''Do it'' Serena cried and with that consent Bernie took both sides of the collar and pulled them apart causing the buttons on Serena's blouse to pop off in all directions, drip, drip dropping to the floor like april showers.

They were nearly at the top of the stairs when Serena pushed with her hands against Bernie's hips, Bernie fell back into the wall and knocked down a picture. It landed with a thud on a step before falling to the bottom of the stairs, glass particles sprinkled everywhere. Neither Bernie nor Serena batted an eyelid at what had just happened and Serena continued her mission to remove Bernie's clothing, breaking apart from their kiss for only a second to pull Bernie's top over her head in one expertly smooth move.

They reached the landing and Bernie pushed back against Serena, Serena's back colliding with the door frame as Bernie began undoing the button and zip on Serena's trousers and letting them fall to the floor. Tongues exploring each others mouths rapidly before they entered the bedroom.

Bernie kicked the door closed with her heel before going to kick her shoes off.

''Oh no Major, the heels stay on'' Serena whispered into Bernie's ear. ''You look so hot tonight.'' She continued before nibbling on Bernie's earlobe causing Bernie's knees to buckle and her hips to buck. Luckily Serena had her arms wrapped around Bernie's waist to keep her up.

Serena pushed Bernie onto the bed and began crawling over her before straddling her, She could feel the coolness of Bernie's leather jeans between her thighs

''I've missed this'' Serena whispered into the darkness.

''I've missed you'' Bernie replied.

Bernie rolled Serena over, sitting Serena in between her legs.

''Wait there'' Bernie said before pulling something from the bedside drawer.

Serena waited and felt something cold and soft cover her eyes, It felt like ribbon, Bernie tied it at the back into a knot, adjusting it over her eyes to ensure Serena could not see.

Bernie wanted Serena, wanted her right now, but she also wanted the night to be special.

''I'll be back'' she said as she kissed her hard multiple times on the lips and Serena felt Bernie's body leave from on top of hers.

Serena was straining to hear every sound, her senses heightened by the blindfold.

Serena felt Bernie lips brush against hers and Bernie pulled at the ribbon slowly allowing it to fall from Serena's face, Serena looked up to see candles everywhere, all over the floor, on all the furniture on the windowsill, every surface was covered in soft, glowing lights, then she looked at Bernie, the sight of her causing her jaw to drop, Bernie stood up before her, she had taken her jeans off and put back on her shoes, to reveal the prettiest matching black, lace under wear. The heels making her legs look even longer than usual.

''Wow, Bernie, this is, this is beautiful, and you, wow, you are'' Serena was lost for words, Bernie moved in and began exploring her mouth with her tongue once more, all Serena managed to get out was ''You look amazing''

Bernie straddles Serena once more and whispered between kisses into Serena's ear ''You like?''

''Mmm hmmm'' Serena moaned back.

The spark between them began to build again and Bernie laid Serena's upper body back down on the bed, grinding her hips against Serena, running a finger down between Serena's breasts Bernie followed her trail with kisses. ''Have I ever told you just how perfect you are'' Bernie whispered.

''Hmm Major, you're the one that's perfect, you don't know what you do to me'' Serena panted back seductively.

Bernie kissed her way down Serena's body, running her hands down her waist, taking a grab at her arse before stroking her thighs.

She hooked her finger into the waistband of Serena's knickers and let go, causing the elastic to ping against Serena's sensitive skin.

Serena gasped, cried out Bernies' name, bit her lip as she moved in and took the waistband of the black and red silk in her teeth. She pulled them down with her mouth, Serena opening her legs slowly as Bernie moved down her legs, breathing out air against the bare skin on the inside of Serena's thighs as she did so. She kissed back up her legs, teasing before heading up to her breasts and taking Serena's nipple in her mouth. Serena let out a moan and her hips bucked at the sensation, swirling her tongue round and round her nipple which responded instantly, hardening at Bernie's touch. Serena's back arched and Bernie took the opportunity to place her arms under and around her back pulling her in even closer as she made her way to Serena's other breast giving them the equal care and attention they deserved. Serena's hips bucked again and Bernie pouted as she pulled a nipple between her teeth. Bernie rolled her hips, grinding against Serena, they could both feel the orgasm begin to build at the friction between them, but Bernie didn't want to rush into anything. She wanted to savour every inch of Serena, to explore each and every part of her using her touch and tongue. Although, to Bernie this wasn't about sex, not tonight anyway, tonight was about treasuring everything she loved about her precious Serena one last time.

Serena rolled over on top of Bernie, kissing down her neck before gliding her hand down in between Bernie's legs. Bernie gasped out as Serena tickled her skin with her erotic feather light touches. Serena grabbed hold of Bernie's breast and squeezed, Serena always liked the way they fitted perfectly in her hands. Sucking a nipple hard in her mouth, Serena felt Bernie tense up beneath her, she stroked a finger up and down between Bernie's legs with one hand pulling and tugging and Bernie's hard nipples with the other. Bernie's body jolted, she stopped looking up at Bernie's face ''You okay?'' She asked tenderly.

''Fine'' Bernie replied a big smile across her face.

She continued, but Serena knew Bernie well enough to know when she was lying to her. Was this not what she wanted? Serena thought to herself, Serena's mind was racing with thoughts as she continued to kiss Bernie's stomach. She flinched, like at the hotel when I touched her bump, she actually flinched, maybe I just don't do it for her anymore, maybe that's why she's ended it, 'oh I want you to have a better life with someone,' when really its just she cant bear me touching her.

Bernie lay with Serena on top of her, tears beginning to form in her eyes and she willed them not to drop. Well done Major, once again you go and fuck things up Bernie thought to her self, feeling the excitement and the sexual chemistry fizzle out into dust within the last few minutes. All I wanted was for our last night to be perfect, why do I have to be such a fucking screw up, no wonder she wants to leave.

Serena looked up to Bernie's face to see the tears in her eyes. ''Have I done something wrong?''

''What, No, of course not'' Bernie was panicking.

''I'll go, I'm sorry'' and with that Serena jumped up and began looking for her clothes.

''What, Serena, no, please, wait!''

She grabbed Serena's wrist and Serena turned to see Bernie who looked like she was about to cry, Bernie sighed and sat on the edge of her bed leaving go of Serena's arm. Bernie rested her elbows on her knees and covered her face with her hands before running them through her hair and gripping hard.

''I'm sorry, it's not you, honest it's not you.''

''Let me guess, its not you it's me, 10/10 for originality'' Serena replied sarcastically.

Serena was annoyed, Bernie had led her on, if this wasn't what she wanted why did she take her up here.

''No, no, it's not that, it's just, aghh'' Bernie sighed and gripped her hair a little tighter, Serena could see she was getting stressed and Bernie began to cry, ''I haven't, I mean, we haven't, I mean.''

''Just say'' Serena was beginning to loose her patience.

Bernie hesitated evidently searching for the right words.

''Since the little man'' She said in a small voice, quickly sweeping away the tears from her cheeks.

''What'' Serena looked at her, she didn't understand.

Bernie was hoping she wouldn't have to go into detail, but she could see the look of confusion on Serena's face and figured she didn't have much choice. ''It's only been a few weeks, and after, you know, everything that happened, I'm still, I mean, when you'' Bernie turned her face from Serena to quickly wipe away more tears, slowly blowing out a breath before continuing. ''I want to, Serena, I really want to, I just, I'm still, you know, a bit sore.'' Bernie wanted the ground to swallow her up whole; in fact she would rather gouge her own eyeballs out with a rusty spoon than have had to ruin what was an amazing time between them. To stop the woman of her dreams from making love to her, watch the moment fizzle out like a wet sparkler and then have to have this conversation as to why she had held up an imaginary stop sign to what would have been the most passionate, spectacular night of her life. Well fucking done Major Screw Up she thought to herself.

Serena smiled sympathetically, the penny finally dropping as she realised what Bernie was trying to tell her.

'Oh great now she feels sorry for me' Bernie thought to herself sarcastically, Bernie focused on her knees to avoid looking at Serena and planned to sob the second Serena left, which she was sure she would after that failed performance.

Serena walked over to Bernie and took her hands in her own, ''why didn't you just tell me'' Serena whispered softly.

Bernie shot her a mortified look and Serena smiled back.

''We don't have to do anything your not ready for, you should know that."

Bernie could feel the emotion rising in her chest, she was mortified and furious with herself, she was fed up at the hormonal mess she had become.

''I just wanted to make your last night special, now I've fucked everything up" Bernie cried

''Less of that Major, Thank you'' Serena said in a firm tone, to which Bernie seemed to listen to.

''I'm sorry''

''You've got nothing to be sorry for, come on''

''Huh''

''Do you trust me?''

Bernie couldn't answer the word yes, of course she trusted Serena but she wasn't confident herself where her comfort zone started or ended at the moment, so how could Serena possibly know. She wanted to sleep with Serena more than anything, but she also wanted the night to be perfect and she was nervous she would ruin the moment by having to stop, not exactly the romantic evening I had in mind she thought to herself.

Serena looked into Bernie's eyes and saw them glaze over as if she was about to cry again, she recognised that same scared, fearful expression from when Bernie went into labour and again the day she held her child. She wasn't used to seeing Bernie like this, so vuneranle, no confidence or self esteem. No sooner had she thought it, she saw Bernie's bottom lip wobble as though she was trying hard to contain her emotion. Serena had to step in and take control; she couldn't cope with seeing her like this.

''Right Major, you listen to me, first things first, we don't have to do anything your not comfortable with, if your not ready, that's fine, we can just cuddle all night if you want, the night wouldn't be any less perfect than if we slept together and you know why, because all I want is to be here with you, that's good enough for me. And Secondly Bernie'' Serena lifted her chin so that Bernie had no option but to look at her.

''please, relax, let me look after you, I'll not do anything you don't want me to, okay, now can I see that gorgeous smile of yours again now please.''

Bernie smiled a big sigh of relief ''Sorry''

''And will you stop saying sorry!''

Serena stood up and held out her hand for Bernie to take, Bernie taking it and standing up her self, allowing Serena to kiss her tears away.

Bernie felt like a failure, she had ruined everything, ruined the last chance to show Serena how much she loved her, she was gutted with herself. She wanted so much to make everything perfect. Mentally she wanted Serena more than anything, but physically she wasn't ready and she realised the second Serena grabbed hold of her breasts as she had to clench her eyes shut and bite down on her lip in attempted to stop herself from yelping out in pain. The labour had not exactly been the smoothest of labours, serious internal tearing and bleeding, what if she needed to stop, to say she was nervous was an understatement.

Serena pulled the covers back on the bed and she and Bernie climbed in. She held Bernie close and Bernie sobbed in her embrace, hiding her face in Serena's chest biting the nail on her thumb, feeling frustrated and angry with herself. Serena ran her fingers through Bernie's hair as she held her and every few minutes she placed a kiss on the top of her head. She hated seeing Bernie so upset like this, Serena couldn't help but think how on earth it had been possible for a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman such as Bernie to suddenly have all of her confidence stripped away from her since finding out she was pregnant.

Bernie snuggled her face even more into Serena's chest and she gripped tightly onto Serena's body with one hand, still biting on her thumb with the other. Serena felt her sobs come to a stop.

''Serena'' Bernie whispered. ''You know it's not you don't you?''

Serena clenched her eyes shut and she squeezed Bernie tighter in her arms. ''Oh darling" She planted multiple kisses one after the other on top of Bernie's head.

''I could never not want you Serena, I'll always want you, I mean I do want to, it's just'' she trailed off and Serena deliberately didn't speak to force Bernie into confiding into her fully.

''I just, I mean, I don't, I just don't want to disapoint you.'' There was a hitch in Bernie's breathing and Serena knew she was going to cry again.

''Bernie, darling, you could never disappoint me.''

''Yeah but what if I need to stop, what if it's going well and then I go and have to ruin things and its hardly romantic is it, its hardly a perfect last night of passion together is it.''

Serena could sense the quiver and the frustration in Bernie voice.

She moved down and pounced a kiss on Bernie's lips to calm her, ''Will you just shut up and kiss me please''

Serena knew what she needed to do, she needed to restore Bernie's confidence some how, she wanted her to feel good about herself again.

''You say the word and we stop okay, we don't do anything your not comfortable with, I promise I'll be gentle but if there is any time you want to stop I need you to promise me you'll say, okay.''

Bernie nodded and quickly wiped away her tears, showing a little unsure smile.


	12. Night to remember part 2

Serena pulled Bernie in by her waist and began to place, soft, gentle, soothing kisses down her neck. ''you okay?'' Serena whispered up from kissing Bernie's collarbone.

''Yeah''

Serena straddled Bernie, pushing herself up to give Bernie a quick kiss on the lips before gliding a finger down between Bernie's breasts and slid her hands behind her back arching her back and pulling her stomach up to her mouth. Trailing kisses across her tummy she began her confidence building mission. ''Only you could have 3 kids and still have a perfectly flat tummy'' Serena complimented her.

Bernie did not reply and Serena could sense the negative thoughts and worries spinning through her brain.

''Do you know what I love'' Serena tried to distract Bernie's thoughts and make her relax. ''These'' she said taking hold of each of Bernie's hands and kissing them all over, turning them over so that she could kiss both the front and back as she rolled her hips gently against Bernie. ''I love these skilled, soft hands of yours, these hands that care and caress me, that make me go weak at the knees in just one touch''

She looked at Bernie for a sign but Bernie still did not answer as her nerves stepped up a gear. Her anxiety kicking in, fear of the unknown, would she have to stop Serena and ruin their last night together?

Serena moved up so that she was face to face with Bernie. ''You okay?''

''Yeah''

''Do you want to stop?''

Bernie shook her head

''Are you sure?''

She nodded

Serena kissed Bernie's lips once more and reached behind her back, her hands gently lifting Bernie's thighs so that she could run a feather like touch up and down the inside of them. ''And do you know what else I love'' Serena smiled as she felt Bernie begin to relax as she caressed her limbs, letting her fingers move higher and higher up the inside of Bernie's thighs with each stroke. ''These, magnificently long, slender, sexy, legs of yours, god they go on forever, I love it when you wrap them around me, I feel so protected by you, and seeing you in those heels left me speechless"

She heard Bernie let out a nervous chuckle and finally her body relaxed as some of the tension left her body.

''But you know what I really, really love'' Serena continued. ''These beauties'' and Serena used the back of her knuckles to gentle stroke Bernie's nipples. ''You okay? Just tell me if you want me to stop'' she said reassuringly and placed light kisses around Bernie's nipples. Serena blew out a breath against them, their sensitivity causing them to harden instantly at the sensation. Bernie's hips bucked involuntary under Serena.

''You still okay?''

''mmmhhhmmmm'' Bernie nodded.

Bernie repeated the motion and Bernie's hips bucked again, Serena smiled and continued kissing around her nipples, being careful not to hurt her.

''But what I really, really love most of all'' Serena moved down to in between Bernie's thighs ''Is this'' she placed a kiss on top of Bernie's pretty lace knickers.

Serena hooked a finger each side of her hips and began to pull them down slowly and gently. Serena was mindful that this might be the time that Bernie panicked or had to stop so she ensured every moment was slow, constantly checking her expression to see if she was okay, not fully convinced she would voice it if she wasn't. Serena took Bernie's hand to comfort her, she remembered there had been times when Bernie had subconsciously squeezed her hand when she felt uncomfortable. If she squeezes my hand I'll know to stop she thought.

Serena used light touches to stroke Bernie between her thighs, and Bernie's hips went again

''Serena!''

''It's okay, I've got you''

Bernie let go of Serena's hand and stretched out, taking fistfuls of the pillows either side of her and arching her back.

Serena smiled at the sight of her, happy that Bernie trusted her enough to leave go of her hand.

There in that moment, they made love together, slow soft and gentle, Serena constantly checking that Bernie was okay, asking multiple times if she would like to stop, reasuring her she didn't need to feel uncomfortable to say so, that they could just cuddle together if things became too much for her.

Serena wrapped her arms around Bernie's body as she held her through her high. Bernie's back and hips crashing back down onto the bed and Serena kissed her tummy as Bernie shuddered through the aftershocks.

''okay?'' Serena asked, cuddling into her.

''Yeah''

''Feeling better?''

''Yeah'' Bernie smiled.

''Good'' Serena smiled back.

Bernie snuggled back into Serena's chest and Serena kissed the top of her head again feeling happy with her self.

"I love you" Bernie whispered into the darkness.

Serena closed her eyes tight, in the next 12 hours she would be leaving Bernie for good.

"I love you too" she whispered back, a stray tear running down her cheek as they lay tangled together.


	13. The nightmare

Serena went downstairs to get their drinks and Bernie went to check on the little man. Serena was tired, it had been such a long day and her head was all over emotionally, although she would never tell Bernie that. 

She was worried about Bernie, worried if she was doing the right thing by leaving, would she regret it, she thought to herself. France had seemed like such a good opportunity at the time, a chance to move on from all the distress that had surrounded her recently, a chance to escape. Serena did not hear Bernie until she was stood behind her in the kitchen.

''He's still asleep, what, what are those?''

Serena had jumped at the sound of Bernie's voice and quickly shoved something into her handbag, hoping that Bernie had not seen. She quickly took a sip of her wine and Bernie marched over, looking at Serena the whole time, she took the handbag from Serena and looked down to see a small bottle of pills. She picked them up to examine the label.

''Antidepressants'' Bernie whispered, her heart sank.

Serena took another gulp of her wine and looked everywhere other than Bernie's face.

Bernie didn't know, she was shocked but not surprised, after all Serena had lost her only daughter. Bernie wanted to talk to Serena about it, she was concerned that she was drinking alcohol with them too, she took one look at Serena's face, her expression, sad and defeated, she decided that Serena would talk to her when she was ready, the problem was time was ticking, so Bernie made a mental note to approach the subject in the morning.

They went back off to bed and Bernie held Serena close, feeling guilty that she had been so absorbed in her own problems to notice that Serena had been struggling. She new she was grieving, she new she was having good days and bad, but what she didn't know was why Serena felt she couldn't talk to her about it. Bernie was heartbroken to think that Serena had been suffering in silence.

Serena awoke to find the space beside her empty, she assumed Bernie would be seeing to the little man and rolled back over to go back to sleep. Just as she was about to drop off she could hear someone talking, it sounded like Bernie was on the phone. Serena glanced at the time, 4:45, who would be ringing at this time she thought to herself.

Getting up out of bed and pulling on one of Bernie's oversized t-shirts she tiptoed down the stairs. The talking becoming louder as she reached the bottom, she waited trying to listen.

''No, no, please, no, please, stop, stop'' It was Bernie's voice.

Serena ran into the lounge to find Bernie lying on the sofa and the little man beside her in the mosses basket. She quickly checked him over to find him fast asleep holding onto Bernie's finger as she lay on the sofa with her hand in the basket. Serena's eyes moved to Bernie who was also sleeping. Serena looked around confused; no television was on, just a darkened room with an empty baby bottle on the coffee table beside them.

Serena walked around the table to the foot of the sofa and placed a fur throw over Bernie who was sleeping peacefully, she watched them both lovingly for a second when:

''No, no, NO, I can't, no, I can't'' Bernie was shouting out in her sleep, tossing and turning restlessly on the sofa.

Serena watched in horror as Bernie became more and more distressed and restless.

''Ssshhh Bernie, Bernie wake up'' Serena didn't want to wake the baby up and she moved his mosses basket to the other side of the room, worried that Bernie may thrash out in her sleep.

''No, no, no, please, please, no, it hurts, it hurts''

Serena felt sick, what was going on, Serena tried to work out what Bernie was dreaming about, was it her labour, was it her time with Marcus?

It was traumatic for Serena to watch but she wanted to know what was going on in Bernie's head, she knew Bernie would never tell her, so she sat beside her on the sofa and unstuck the hair from the sweat on her face and listened intently.

Bernie began sobbing in her sleep and Serena cried as she watched her.

''owww, owwww'' she cried out as she twisted from side to side.

Serena couldn't take it any longer.

''BERNIE'' She shouted, shaking her.

Bernie jumped into a sitting position and inhaled a high pitched gasp of air, dropping to her knees of the floor and panting heavily.

Serena crouched down beside her, tears flowing down her cheeks at what she had just witnessed, she began rubbing Bernie's back in attempt to comfort her ''It's okay, it's okay, it was just a dream, your safe, it was just a dream.''

Each quick breath Bernie took in was high pitched and rumbled in her lungs as thought she had ran a marathon. Bernie stood up, her chest heaving up and down, she wasn't sure if her legs could carry her but she had to get away from Serena's watch. She walked briskly, holding onto any bit of furniture for support as she made her way to the kitchen, she opened the patio doors into the garden and stepped out barefoot, dropping to her hands and knees again and taking big gasps of air in attempt to regulate her breathing.

Serena joined her outside and handed her a glass of water, Bernie's full body was trembling and she lifted a hand from the ground to take the glass. She began to take a small sip, the glass shaking and water spilling out in her grip.

Bernie's remained on all fours, bowing her head as her breathing restored to a normal pace, Serena could actually hear Bernie's heartbeat as it pounded against her chest.

''Do you want to talk about it?'' Serena asked carefully continuing to rub circles on her back.

Bernie sat back on her knees and shook her head, sniffing and wiping away her tears to compose her self, Serena had never seen her look so pale.

''I need to check on the little man'' Bernie decided and before Serena had a chance to reply, she was back inside.

Bernie picked him up and held him up to her shoulder, holding onto him tight as she clenched her eyes shut and placed her lips to his head, ''Shh it's okay'' she whispered as he stirred in her arms.

Serena watched Bernie as she gently bounced her sleeping baby protectively on her chest, wiping away each tear that fell and completely ignoring Serena.

Bernie walked upstairs and Serena decided to give her space, Serena began cleaning and tidying up, she had to do something to keep herself busy. After 2 hours of cleaning Bernie's home, Serena felt like it was safe to go up, when she got to the top of the stairs she found the nursery door closed.

''Bernie'' she spoke quietly, ''Bernie, please, can I come in?'' Serena turned the handle and pushed the door ajar to see Bernie sitting on the floor, her knees up to her chest, one hand hugging them and the other between the bars of the cot, holding her baby's hand.

Serena was so confused, but there wasn't much time for explanations now.


	14. To The Most Beautiful Girl In This World

Serena stood in the doorway and watched Bernie for a moment before making her way over to her and crouching down beside her. She wanted to place her hand on Bernie's shoulder but was worried in case she startled her.

''Your still shaking'' Serena whispered sympathetically.

Bernie was zoned out, Serena wasn't even sure if Bernie had realised she was in the room, she sat watching the sleeping baby in the cot, her eyes wet from un-fallen tears.

''Bernie, I need to go now, it's after 7, are you going to be okay?''

Bernie didn't answer and remained focused on her baby.

Recognising that Bernie was in shock, Serena needed to do something, there was no way she could leave her like this, she left the room and called the one man she could trust, Henric Hanssen.

 

''Ms Campbell to what do I owe the pleasure?''

''Henric, can you talk, I need to speak to you, it's about Bernie, I don't know what to do'' She paced the kitchen on the phone to him. Should she stay or should she go?

No sooner had she thought it she heard footsteps on the stairs.

''Henric I'll have to call you back'' she said and with that she cut the call.

Bernie entered the kitchen cradling her baby who was now awake and ready for his morning feed, Serena glanced at the time, she needed to finish packing but she didn't want to leave Bernie like this.

Bernie completely ignored Serena as she began to put the kettle on, pulling out formula from the cupboard and a bottle from the steriliser.

''Here let me help you'' Serena said stepping in to make up the bottle.

''It's fine I can do it'' Bernie snapped back. Serena was quite taken aback by the sudden outburst.

''Okay, um, well, I should probably go then, my flight, I've got to go to the airport soon.'' Serena had hoped this would knock some kind of sense into Bernie and that they could talk, the last thing she wanted was to leave things like this.

''Okay'' Bernie replied coldly, and Serena ran out the door in tears.

Was that it? Serena thought to herself.

Serena popped into work to see Hanssen she couldn't leave without knowing they would be someone to keep an eye on Bernie.

Serena poured her heart out to Hanssen as she explained everything. Getting everything off her chest, she spoke about how worried she was, how emotional Bernie had been last night, how she wasn't sure if Bernie was just hormonal or if it was post natal depression. How she felt like Bernie needed her and she was running away, that she feared that Bernie needed support with her anxiety, she spoke in great detail about the nightmare Bernie had and the panic attack she had after. They both discussed how they felt responsible for not noticing anything sooner and allowing her to come back to work so soon. They wondered if that was a factor in Bernie's downward spiral. Henric reassured Serena he would keep a watchful eye over Bernie and that he would give her regular updates on her welfare, insisting after the death of her daughter it was time to put herself first and go to France to start a fresh, telling her his door would always be open any time she needed him, personally or professionally. And with that Serena left for the airport.

Meanwhile Bernie had fed her baby and jumped in the shower washing away all the stress from the last twelve hours, she had snapped back to reality and had accepted that once again she had fucked things up with Serena. She was upset, crying on and off as she got dressed and done her hair in attempt to carry on with her day the best she could. She didn't want to face the world today but she needed to go to work. She became upset again at the thought of having to leave her little man, she needed him today. She knew she was office based and decided to take him in with her knowing today was going to be hard and needing the reassurance of having him close.

She placed him in a baby sling around her body and put on her green military coat, wrapping it around him to protect him from the cold. She arrived at work an hour after Serena had left and was greeted by Hanssen who had taken comfort in Serena's office chair. ''Ah good morning Ms Wolfe, I see we have an addition to the AAU team'' He said lightly, acting casual. He could see she had been crying.

''Oh, morning, yes, you don't mind do you, let down by childcare'' she lied. Hanssen knew that wasn't the reason but was happy enough to allow Bernie the comfort she needed for today.

''By all means Major this is a teaching hospital after all, I dare say with your expertise he could make a fine Surgeon by the time he reaches his first birthday'' Henric joked. ''However, on a serious note, if you need to take some time'' He said carefully.

''What, oh, no need'' she smiled a small barely there smile as she began switching on her computer.

''Seems oddly quiet in here without Ms Campbell, don't you think?'' He began straightening up the stationary on what was Serena's desk. He wanted to see how Bernie would react, if she would get upset and confide in him.

''I'm sorry, Mr Hanssen, did you want something, I've got a stack of paperwork to do'' She wasn't in the mood for social niceties and with that Hanssen took the hint and stood to leave.

''You know where I am if you need me'' he said as he left the office.

Bernie removed the little man from his sling and cradled him in her arms. ''And back to reality we are little man'' she said. As she looked up at the computer screen and began to check her emails first.

AAU budget meeting

Staff night out

Maintenance repair information

She began clicking, getting ready to reply to the ones marked priority first, when one caught her eye. It was sent from Serena Campbell an hour ago, she clicked.

To the most beautiful girl in this world,

I have never done this before, never wrote down my feelings like this before, but I just couldn't let you go like that, It broke my heart to see you so emotional. So I want you to read this, I want you to read just how amazing I think you are. How perfect and precious I think you are and I want you to live your life wearing that beautiful smile of yours on your face every single day, knowing just how much you are loved.

The words 'I Love You' just don't seem enough, they don't explain it properly, so here I am about to give this a go, I am going to try and explain it, explain things properly, here it goes. . .

I don't quite remember the moment I realised I loved you, as you know you boggled my head a little and I tried to pretend it wasn't happening, that I wasn't falling for you, seems silly now, all those wasted moments we could have had together. But I defiantly remember the moment I knew there was something about you. It was the first time we met, do you remember? You were beautiful, sexy, stunning and gorgeous, smart and brilliant at everything you do, I was mesmerised by you, captivated by you. I had never seen a woman like that before, someone who took my breath away like that. Your sparkling eyes that have a hint of cheeky naughtiness about them, those eyes that have grown to tell me you love me in just one longing look.

And that smile, the smile that lights up any room, the smile that I live to see, the thing that keeps me going day by day, I've never told you this but that smile of yours has became my sunshine on a rainy day. If my day is going to shit, which lets face it has been more often than not recently, I've not told you, I've kept it bottled up because to walk in and see your face light up makes all the crap somehow irrelevant. Seeing you happy is all I want in life, and it breaks my heart to see you so upset like you were last night.

The other thing I want you to know, Is how proud you make me. You have been through so much recently and yet you're still standing, putting everyone else before yourself. I'm still struggling with the fact that you fought labour to try and spare my feelings of Elinor, I am so angry with you for that, yet love you that teensy bit more for it too. The fact that you caused yourself so much harm to put me first, It made me realise you love me so much you would do anything to try and protect me. I'm still furious at you though! The stress you put me through that night, I COULD HAVE LOST YOU! You could have died, for what? Just because you thought memories of Elinor would come flooding back and you didn't want to upset me, do you know what upsets me, seeing you in so much pain, seeing you with tears on your face and panic in your eyes, that is unbearable compared to recalling memories of Elinor.

I have watched you blossom into the amazing mother I had no doubt you would be. I know we haven't spoke about this, but I know the reason you didn't want to hold him at first was because you were scared, scared to get attached to him and love him in case, as you put it you ''messed things up.'' But I also know that you fell for him the second you seen him, I seen it in your eyes, that pride and protection you had for him. To see your self esteem so low that day and other days since brakes my heart, how can you possibly think you are anything other than the incredible person I see, I just don't understand, it frustrates me so much to see you have such a low opinion of yourself, to see you beat yourself up and get yourself so stressed about things like you did last night. I have watched you fall for some time now, watched you spiral from the happy, confident woman who was fierce and strong enough to take on a warzone, to a woman so unsure, unhappy and upset with herself. You said something to me the day you were in the hospital, you were talking about what had happened when you were missing, when you were with Marcus, you said ''I don't matter''

YOU MATTER TO ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THIS EARTH!

That you need to know.

I'm not quite sure what happened last night and I know you will never tell me, but please Bernie, please look after yourself, and know that where ever I may be,

I will always love you.

Serena

x

Bernie froze on the spot, fresh tears falling from her cheeks to the floor, ''She still loves me'' she said out loud.

Bernie placed the little man back in his sling as quick as she possibly could ''Ssshhh, ssshhh its okay little man, where off to see the aeroplanes'' she said to him as she fastened him in. She grabbed her coat as she ran out of the office looking at her watch on the way out of AAU, would she make it to the airport in time to stop Serena?


	15. Do NOT get on that flight

Bernie raced to her car clicking the button on her keys repeatedly to ensure the door was open for her getting in, she carefully nestled her baby in his car seat, fastening him in securely and placing his dummy in his mouth before running round to the driver's side and jumping in, the key in and engine started before she even closed the door. She took off, zooming out of the car park as she set on her mission to stop Serena leaving.

She drove as fast as she could, shouting at other drivers as they dawdled around her, hindering her task of stopping Serena from leaving her. She reached the dual carriageway to find it gridlocked with traffic, a long line of cars stood before her, bumper to bumper, she looked at the time, she had half an hour before Serena's flight took off, ''come on, COME ON'' she shouted, tapping the palm of her hand against the steering wheel as stress and impatience consumed her. She pulled her handbag from the passenger foot well as she waited, stuck in the inconvenience of airport traffic. She pulled out her phone and pressed the buttons to call Serena. . .

Voicemail

''Aggghhh come on, COME ON'' Bernie's stress levels were reaching a high and she could feel the adrenaline flow through her veins.

She tried again.

''Hi this is Serena Campbell, sorry I can't take your call, please leave a message''

''Serena! Serena! It's Bernie, I'm coming to the airport, DO NOT GET ON THAT FLIGHT, I'm on my way, I love you so much Serena, please, please don't go.'' She cut the call and looked around her, she was trapped in a car sandwich.

Another five minutes had passed, she had watched the clock on her dashboard as each minute passed, not one of the cars in front of her had moved an inch.

The little man began to become unsettled, he was due a feed about now. Bernie rested her head on the steering wheel in frustration. ''Sssshhh its okay, little man'' she tried to remain calm but she herself head the tension in her voice as she spoke out loud.

Bernie looked ahead, cars, everywhere, she looked behind, more cars behind her as the traffic built up, she looked around, the next slip road wasn't for another 2 miles.

She looked at the clock on the dash board; she was running out of time. Her only hope now was that Serena would get her voicemail and not get on the flight. It had gone to voicemail twice now though Bernie thought, did that mean it was switched off, would she get it too late?

She couldn't let Serena get on that flight, yes she could come back, but would she come back, Bernie needed to see Serena, needed to explain, needed to tell her how much she loves her and how she wants to spend the rest of her life by her side, loving every square inch of her.

It occurred to Bernie that she didn't actually know where in France Serena was going to, she hadn't asked, she couldn't even go after her to find her in France and bring her home. She felt so angry with herself for not asking Serena, for letting her go the way she did earlier.

Banging her fist against the steering wheel she honked her horn aggressively causing the little man to become more and more unsettled and Bernie cried as desperation took over. ''Sssshhh I'm sorry, please don't cry, sssshhhh'' Bernie was stressed, desperate, panicked and emotional, anxiety waved over her as she cried and what felt like a ton of bricks hit her hard on her chest, adrenaline fuelled the fight or flight reaction that kicked in as she got out of the car.

She didn't know what she was doing or even where she was going, she just walked around in the middle of the road, hyperventilating and crying, she had never ever felt so desperate in her entire life.

Bernie couldn't take it anymore, she had to see Serena, she had to!

She rushed round to the passenger's side of the car, ignoring other drivers as they tooted and shouted at her. She scooped up her crying baby, placed him in the sling against her body, put on her coat and wrapped it around him, pulling the collar of her coat high up to shield his face from the cold. She kicked the car door closed, looked up and down the dual carriageway, and clicked her car to lock it as she abandoned her car and began running to the airport.

By the time she got there she was in full blown panic, she jogged around looking at every person, every screen. She had never noticed before now just how many woman have short, dark hair like Serena's.

She scanned every screen at the check in desks looking for clues as to where she could find her Serena, eyes darting around the public place frantically as she searched for her.

It occurred to her that she didn't even no which airport she was heading to, how many airports did France have? She thought to herself as she became frustrated and irritated with her own abilities. She should have asked Serena these questions. Regret swept her mind as she recalled reading the leaving card ignoring Serena up until her leaving night.

Finally she found a screen that said:

Charles de Gaulle, Departure Longue 74, Boarding 4 minutes.

Bernie ran as fast as her legs would take her, pushing past anyone in her way and taking stairs and escalators two steps at a time.

74, 74 she repeated in her head, terrified of forgetting the number, why is it never lounge 1, has anyone actually ever been to lounge 1 she thought.

She ran down a corridor and reached the customs department where she was stopped by a man in a suit.

''Passport and ticket please''

''What, no, you don't understand, I just need to see her, I have to see her''

''I'm sorry madam but if you don't have a ticket and a passport I can't let you through.''

Bernie was out of breath, panting heavily, she spun round on the spot, her arms above her head as she gripped her hair in despair. She paced around slowly, feeling desperate and defeated. Hands moved to her hips as she walked round in circles trying to catch her breath, the little man screaming in her baby carrier around her body.

She began to cry, she lifted her hand from her hip back to her forehead and ran her fingers through her hair, brushing it out of her face and gripping hard, her chest hurt as she managed to take a deeper breath, the oxygen hurting her lungs as she inhaled. That was it, game over.


	16. Read it and weep

She looked at the man behind the desk, he was talking to his colleague leisurely, Bernie was furious by his relaxed attitude, she wanted to wrap her hands around his neck and squeeze all of her frustration and emotion out of her system. She watched as he chatted about how slow his computer was running today and without thinking, she found herself running again, an instinctive, automatic reaction some may call it, Bernie didn't know what it was, she just knew she had to stop Serena, and with that she hopped the security rope of customs, running straight past staff and security. She heard shouting behind her and turned to see two, overweight men in suits chasing her. She was desperate, hormonal, sleep deprived and emotional, if they wanted to take her on right now, more fool them!

She ran and ran and ran, down flight after flight of stairs heading for the departure lounges on the ground floor. She would find her, she would stop her, and she would tell her just how much she loves her.

Her foot slipped on a step as she ran causing her to fall and land on her bottom, she clutched her baby close as she fell, back up with in seconds as she continued to bound down the next flight of stairs. She looked behind her to see the two security men, the fall delaying her speed as she seen security were hot on her tail.

Running faster, she heard taking come through their radios as she was chased: Female, small build, approximately 5ft 7, short blonde hair, wearing a long green military style coat, we believe she has a baby attached to her, destination unknown, heading for departure lounges.

Time was running out, more security were after her and she was thankful of her twenty five years in the army and impressed with how fit she was as she outran them all.

In and out of departure lounge doorways, her eyes raced around looking for signs,

Departure lounges 69-79. She read

She ran, shouting Serena's name in every doorway of all ten departures lounges, desperation and stress levels creeping back up, her baby crying louder than she had ever head him. The pain in her chest was excruciating now and she clutched her chest feeling like she was about to go into cardiac arrest. Her mouth was dry and she tried to swallow down the lump in her throat but it wouldn't go.

Finally, she entered Departure Lounge 79!

''Serena!'' She shouted

To which she heard . . .

Nothing.

It was empty.

It was too late.

She had missed her.

She was gone, Serena was gone.

She stood weakly, taking in fast, rapid, hyperventilating breaths, walking around on the spot as her adrenaline fuelled bloodstream wouldn't allow her to keep still. Hands back on her hips, she paced, hunched over slightly as she struggled to breath. Their was a sharp pain in the back of her throat and her chest clenched tightly.

That was it, over.

Bernie was left unsure if she would ever see her again.

She was brought out of her trance by staff approaching her, accepting defeat, they circled her at a distance as they watched her begin to fall apart in front of them. The baby screaming in distress louder than she had ever heard him yet, it was getting on her nerves, she couldn't think straight!

''Will you just stop crying'' she shouted, and no sooner had she said it she instantly felt guilty.

''I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sssshhh I'm sorry'' She cried back at him.

It wasn't his fault; she knew that, she was angry at herself not at him.

She dropped heavily in a chair of the departure lounge and sat back against it, clutching him to her chest and crying out loud, she didn't care who saw or heard her anymore. She didn't care about anything anymore.

A woman from the security team approached her slowly and sat down on the chair beside her. She raised her hand up behind her back to signal to other staff to stay away, mouthing the words ''I've got this.'' As she watched them leave the room.

''How old is he?'' She said gently

Bernie didn't answer, she wasn't even sure, her head felt empty, she couldn't think.

''My daughters six months, first day back to work today, I've already cried four times, thank goodness for waterproof mascara.'' She said smiling a sympathetic smile. ''Cup of tea? She asked questioningly.

Bernie wasn't sure why this woman was being so kind to her, or why she wasn't in more trouble with security, they clearly felt sorry for her.

The woman stood up and Bernie followed her, she wasn't sure why, her legs just seemed to take her.

They reached a small office and the woman gestured for Bernie to sit down, she looked around the room, wondering what she was doing here, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing anymore, where she was supposed to be, but she didn't expect this to be it. As she looked around she became aware of a sign on the open door saying security interview room 1.

The woman saw her look, ''don't worry about that'' she said rummaging through a handbag.

''Ah, here we go, would these be any good for you?'' The woman asked handing her a baby bottle and a small pot containing formula.

''Oh, um'' Bernie's bottom lip wobbled and her expression crumbled as she sobbed at the kindness of this woman. She was overwhelmed with guilt for the state her son was in, he was fully distressed in her arms now and she felt like the worst mother in the world. Bernie took her head in her hands, resting her elbows on her knees as she sobbed. The woman placed a hand on Bernie's shoulder, rubbing it reassuringly before then walking away, she returned a few minutes later with a made up bottle and handed it to Bernie.

''Th tha thannk y-y-you'' she said, she could barely get the words out through her tears. The little man took it instantly, suckling at the bottle faster than she had seen him before. He must have been starving Bernie thought as she tried to sniff up her tears. She felt numb.

''He's beautiful'' the woman said as she watched Bernie feed her baby, she handed Bernie a tissue.

''Thanks'' Bernie whispered, she felt her heartbeat slowing down.

''Well you certainly gave security a run for their money, I don't think I've ever seen John so out of breath''

''Sorry'' Bernie whispered again

''Oh don't be, they needed the exercise''

Bernie gave a small smile as she listened to the woman and watched her baby, everything felt like such a mess.

''You want to talk about it?''

Bernie shook her head

''Okay'' she said casually and Bernie was thankful that she didn't push her into talking.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, the little man was now fast asleep in Bernie's arms. ''I should go''

''You going to be okay?''

''Yeah and thanks, you know, for everything''

''Don't mention it, next time you fancy a airport chase though you make sure it's on my day off okay, didn't realise how unfit I was'' She grinned a big, kind smile to Bernie and Bernie couldn't help but smile back. She was thankful to her for being so kind, she wasn't sure she deserved it, but she was thankful nonetheless.

Bernie strolled back to the dual carriageway to find her car had been moved to the grass verge on the side of the road and also, clamped!

Great she thought, she didn't have the energy to deal with this now, she opened the door, took out her two bags, one her handbag and one her baby bag, swung them over her shoulder and walked the long journey back home, cradling her sleeping baby in her arms as she walked.

She decided she didn't want to talk to anyone, she didn't want to be around anyone she just wanted to be alone. Using her phone she sent a quick email to Hanssen, an email meant she could avoid talking to him, she wasn't bothered if she would be in trouble for not going back, she couldn't be bothered with anyone or anything, not now.

She automatically typed on her phone as she walked, stating she wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be returning back to the hospital today and would possibly be off tomorrow also. Not caring whether he believed her or not she pressed send and placed her phone back in her pocked as she continued her journey.

She finally arrived home feeling utterly drained and exhausted. Almost robotic and dazed, she kicked off her shoes at the doorway and dropped the bags off her shoulder, stretching her arm out, feeling instantly relieved as the weight lifted. She just wanted to hide now, to be alone with her own misery. She climbed the stairs slowly in a daze, taking her coat off as she walked and throwing it on the floor, she didn't care, she walked into the nursery and changed her baby's nappy, avoiding eye contact with him as she did so and not saying a word to him. She changed his clothes putting him in the softest little baby grow before walking in to her own room. This was what she wanted now, she closed the door, shut the curtains and lay her baby on the bed, crawling on beside him and lying in a foetal position as she allowed fresh tears to fall, she held his hand while she lay, she felt nothing. She was sick of crying now, but they wouldn't stop, she didn't know how to stop, it was like someone had switched on the tap to her tears and she no matter which way she turned the handle, they flowed continuously. Time seemed to stand still as she lay holding onto her baby's hand, watching him as he wriggled and gurgled beside her, as he drifted in and out of sleep.

Serena was gone, that was it. She didn't know if she could live without her, she didn't know if she wanted to live without her.

What she did want was to go to sleep and never wake up, to switch off somehow from the ache and the pain she felt inside. She thought about downing a bottle of whisky, needing something to help her numb the pain, but she new it wouldn't be strong enough, she wanted to switch off completely and she new she couldn't while she had the little man to take care of. He was all she had left now and although she felt like he would be better off without her, she needed him now more than ever.

Bernie wasn't sure how much time had past lying in the dark. She only got up to make the little mans bottles but always returned to the darkened room to feed him. She thought it could have been a day or so but she wasn't sure for definite, her phone was still in her bag downstairs and she hadn't bothered to check it, she assumed it would have ran out of battery by now anyway.

Remained in her foetal position lying on top of the covers and holding little mans hand: dazed, zoned out and numb, she drifted into sleep.


	17. Let there be light

Bernie couldn't be certain how long she'd be lying there. Curtains closed and the room in darkness, she lay sobbing, drifting in and out of sleep with no concept of day or time.  
The baby bottles were starting to clutter the bedside table and she was running out fast of clean ones. She knew she needed to get up, to find some motivation to sterilise them, probably even clean herself too, she figured she must have been there days rather than hours because her hair felt greasy, but she had no motivation to do so, she felt like she had no energy, no life left, because Serena was her life and she was gone, taking Bernies soul with her.

She was broken from her spell as she heard her front door open and close. Her eyes widened with panic, what day was it, what time, she didn't want Cam to see her like this, didn't want him to know what had been going on, what if he took the little man from her, what if he said she was unfit to look after herself let alone anybody else!

She didn't have time to run and open the curtains or wash her face, no time to even fake normality as the footsteps began to climb the stairs.

Heart beating fast she scooped up her baby and held him tight backing away from the door and bracing herself for confrontation with her oldest son.

She didn't need a lecture or pity, she needed to be alone.

She sepped back as the person came in holding on tighter to her baby, her eyes filled with tears as she looked to the doorway. She instantly raised a hand to her mouth and her expression crumbled as she broke down in sobs. She turned her back and crossed her legs as she dropped to the floor, hand to her mouth in attempt to stop the loud sobs that were coming out. She rocked back and fourth slowly as she clutched on tight to the baby on her chest she became aware that she was crying so hard she hadn't actually took a breath.  
Bernie was hunched forward, sobbing hysterically when she felt awarm hand rubbing comforting circles on her back she drew in a sharp, high pitched intake of breath continued crying loudly.

Sat beside her, sitting with her back up against the bed frame, tears flowing and an arm stretched out caressing Bernies back, was Serena.

Serena cried watching Bernie cry and together they sat on the floor in the darkness.

They needed to talk Serena thought; Serena needed Bernie to be honest and open up to her. So she decided she would be honest with her first.

Serena removed her hand from Bernie's back, took a deep nervous breath and began to talk, softly and quietly to Bernie's back, thankful she wouldn't have to look at her face as she began one of the hardest things she has ever had to do.

''When you left,'' She licked her lips nervously as she started ''after we found out you were pregnant,(deep breath) it was like, It was like my world had gone dark. She hesitated before continuing as she heard Bernie's breathing settle as she started to listen. Serena focused on her hands avoiding eye contact.

''It was like,'' She cleared her throat, ''like there was no light left'' she smiled ''you were my light, and you were gone.'' she shrugged.

'' I remember I would,'' she licked her lips again ''I would keep going back to the office, praying you would be back, just sitting at your desk as usual, complaining about paperword. Sometimes, I would be in surgery and I'd think 'I haven't checked for hours, she might be there now.' And each time I'd go back,'' Serena shrugged again,

''no Bernie, no light.''

''Then we lost Elinor, I hate that phrase,'' Serena rolled her eyes as she said it

''makes it sound like we've misplaced her. Anyway, suddenly,'' she paused again as she struggled to say the words out loud, she didn't want to say the words out loud, but she thought it might help in some way if they were honest with each other.

''It wasn't just dark anymore, it was pitch black, I felt trapped, trapped in the darkness, like I was in a locked room with no windows, no light.'' Serena paused again as Bernie sat back, sitting shoulder to shoulder with Serena. Bernie picked up Serena's hand to hold it and Serena felt one of Bernie's teardrops land on her hand.

''I was so numb, like I was just, disconnected, from everyone. The world was spinning round me in slow motion and I was just stuck in the middle watching it go round, trapped in the dark.

Bernie squeezed Serena's hand reassuringly and Serena focused on the little man gurgling in her arms.

''Then you went into labour, and suddenly I cared about something again, more than cared, I had feelings again, I felt like a human again.'' She giggled wiped away the tears from her cheeks.

''Then, you were struggling, with the pain, god Bernie you looked so scared, and I felt so helpless, you were exhausted and we talked about how you had been in denial. I felt so guilty, I had been so consumed by the dark that I'd completely neglected you'' Serena shook her head as she spoke.

''I decided that, from then on I was going to do everything I could to protect you.''

Bernie shook her head and was about to protest when Serena cut her off and continued talking.

''And then you had him, and he was so so perfect, I was so SO proud of you,'' Serena sounded like she was starting to loose her voice. ''Then I looked, and you were unconscious, and it was like Elinor all over again. I was terrified of loosing you, of loosing either of you.''

Serenas voice was high pitched and hoarse as she spoke. 

Bernie rested her head on Serena's shoulder and took in a breath trying to blow it out slowly to compose herself, she was utterly heartbroken to hear Serena talk like this.

''Then you were okay, and I had you back, my light, my love, it was back. Then I read your notes, 'three broken ribs, abrasions and lacerations to the head, wrists and ankles, bruised eye socked and split lip that required stitches' Serena still remembered every word.

''And my feelings had flipped, became twisted somehow, I was angry, adrenaline fuelled, scared of my own actions, furious, I was angry at him for what he did to you, angry at myself for not protecting you and angry at you, for not calling me, for not letting me be there for you, for being so calm, like it didn't matter'' Serena was becoming angry as she spoke and Bernie had to step in.

''Shhhhh it's okay, it's okay.''

''No, it's not okay, what he did to you, you weren't even bothered.

You came home from hospital, and I couldn't shake it off, the anger, the darkness, I had you back, I had my light back, but I was in too deep, and the light just wasn't bright enough.

So I went on anti depressants, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry, you had enough to be dealing with, with the little man. I can't say I'm still not in the dark room, some days I am, but I think I've at least found a window.'' She laughed at the way she was describing things but it was the only way it made sense.

Serena knew Bernie wouldn't laugh at her, she knew she'd be supportive and understanding.

Bernie lifted her head from Serena's shoulder and kissed her head, hard, letting her lips linger for a while before removing them from her head. ''Thank you, for telling me, I know that wasn't easy.''

Serena took another deep breath and held the little mans hand, smiling at him to take the attention off of her. She quickly wiped her eyes and sniffed, clearing her throat.

''What about you?'' She said, trying to nudge Bernie into talking.

''Pppffttt, I'm just a mess, all the time, all day every day,'' Bernie began to cry again as she spoke

''All I do is cry, when I was pregnant. . . '' Bernie gulped.

''It was easier to just pretend it wasn't happening, to just ignore it, it worked, the majority of the time, but then every now and then I'd get slapped back to reality.'' Bernie licked her lips, her mouth was so dry, she was so dehydrated from all the tears she had shed.

''The fundraiser, by the end of the night, the bottom of my back hurt so much I could barely walk.'' Serena could physically see the tension leaving Bernie's body as she finally began to open up and get it all of her chest.

''When I was away, with Marcus he said he deserved better than me,'' She gestured to the little man in her arms. ''That I'd let him down, I knew he was right, but I didn't want to let him go, I wanted him so much Serena, even then. Marcus he um, he tied me up, said I should count myself lucky that I found out late because at least I wouldn't have to spent a full 9 months like that.'' Serena squeezed Bernie's hand and Bernie actually smiled back.

''He tied me to the radiator and a few weeks in he kicked."' She smiled again as she recalled the memory and Serena automatically smiled at hearing it.

''I new I had to get out, I had to protect him, I slipped the ropes, army style,'' she smiled again. ''but he caught me on the stairs, dragged me back by my hair, I tried to fight but my arms and legs were like jelly from being tied up, he tied me tighter and bolted the doors,'' Serena noticed Bernie look down and was worried where this was heading.

''Marcus was right, I'd let him down, he wasn't even here yet and I'd failed to protect him,'' Bernie wiped under her eyes before avoiding eye contact again.

''I didn't get out, didn't fight hard enough, then he came home from work with a bag full of supplies, he was going to induce me. I had to get out Serena I had to protect him. He had manage to get some of the syringe in me, we fought, I scratched his face with the needle, I managed to get out, and ran as fast as I could, hid in a back alley, I seen him walk past looking for me, next thing you know it was starting.'' Bernie shrugged and Serena felt physically sick.

''I didn't think he had managed to induce me until then, I managed to keep walking for a while, thought if I could at least get home or to you but I hadn't ate or drank much in those few weeks. I kept going dizzy with each contraction, next thing you know I'm waking up in hospital, they had managed to slow things down seen as I'd got there before my waters had broke. Someone found me, I don't even know who it was.''

Serena just looked at her in horror.

''I was just in a bubble, a big ignorant bubble where everything was fine, I tried not to think about how I'd let him down and nearly lost him, I felt like I'd failed him before he was even here, so I just focused on trying to support you, focused on trying to do something right. Then we were in the office and I went to stand up, he dropped down, I felt his head engage, the pressure, it was not like that with the other two. Anyway, it just progressed so fast, I tried so hard to fight it, I didn't want you to have to witness me giving birth to him a week after Elinor was buried.'' Bernie's sobs began again

''A fucking week after, it was so cruel, I felt like I was torturing you, I didn't want to upset you like that, I tried so hard to fight it, I should have fought it, but Serena the contractions, they were too strong, I couldn't''

''Ssshhhh it's okay'' Serena wrapped her arms around her and pulled her to her chest.

''No it isn't, it isn't okay, that wasn't okay, you're the woman I love, the woman I'd do anything for, and I let you down, just like I let him down, I should have fought harder instead of torturing you like that, I needed to push so much, for hours I fought against it then I was just so exhausted, before I knew it I was loosing control, the pressure was too much, and my body was pushing even though I didn't want it to, and now I have to live with the fact that I've hurt and let you down in the worst possible way, I never meant for all this to happen, I really didn't.

Then he was here, and he was perfect, we came home, you would go to work, and I would cry the second the door closed, spend all day thinking about how much I've let you down, how cruel I am for doing this to you, letting you help me with him after everything that's happened with Elinor.

I brought him home and all I did was cry, he must think I don't love him, that I'm not happy to have him, I am, I do, Serena I really do.''

''I know'' She smiled happy to hear how much she loves and wants him, that was a concern she now didn't have to worry about.

''I thought, if I go back to work, it might help, that I would be too distracted to think about things, and it works, I am, most of the time'' Serena giggled knowing exactly how distracting their workplace can be.

''But I feel so guilty leaving him, I say goodbye to him, and kiss his little face and I cry all the way to work, because I've left my baby, and he thinks I don't love him and I've let down the woman I love in the cruellest, most torturous possible way.'' Serena kissed the top of Bernie's head and shook her own head in disbelief at what Bernie was saying.

''Then I got to work, and found out you were leaving, I didn't blame you, not one little bit, I would leave me too, but I cried more because now I'd messed things up so much I'd lost you for good. Serena I'm so SO sorry.'' Serena had no words, she was just in shock, she had no idea things had been this bad, all she could do was kiss her head and hold her tight.

''Bernie, what happened last night'' Serena needed to know everything.

''Bernie'' The fact that Bernie was avoiding this one made Serena worry even more.

''I don't think I can remember, it was just a dream anyway, I haven't slept in weeks, and my heads all over anyway, then with you leaving, I think my head was just messed up.''

Serena remained quiet knowing this Bernie far to well to know that that was not true.

''Bernie''

''Ahhhhhhhh'' Bernie really, really didn't want to talk about this.

Silence from Serena again.

''I was tied up''

''With Marcus''

''Not exactly''

Serena sat back pulling Bernie away from her chest to look her in the eye, she was confused for a minute before shouting ''WITH ME?'''

''We were in the office, you said you were taking him to France, that you were both better off without me seen as I had let you both down so much. You induced me and I was in labour, It seemed so real, I thought it was actually happening, then you woke me up and I couldn't breath, it was like a ton of bricks had landed on my chest and stayed there, I couldn't get any air in. I think that's why I was a bit off with you; my head was all over, I'm so sorry.'' Bernie seemed shocked herself as she recalled her dream, shaking her head at how twisted it was.

Serena was mortified, ''Bernie, you know I would never''She wanted to say never hurt you like that but Bernie cut her off mid sentence

''OF COURSE I DO, it was just a dream!''

They remained sat on the floor together, backs rested against the bed, snuggling into one another in the darkness, smiling and talking to the little man rested up on Bernie's knees in front of them both. It was the most relaxed either of them had been in months. Serena couldn't hide how happy she was to see Bernie with no tears and her beautiful smile back on her face.

Serena was happy to see Bernie happy, and Bernie was happy to see Serena happy. Everything seemed like it had fell into place.

They chatted away to the little man, Serena holding his hand and telling him how gorgeous he was. Serena explained how she got on the flight and realised she couldn't go, getting off and rebooking another flight straight back. Bernie spoke about their airport chase through customs to a shocked Serena. ''We out ran all the security didn't we little man, yep, they didn't stand a chance against us two did they'' Bernie smiled the biggest smile as she kissed his little feet and Serena laughed, she loved hearing that story, she loved watching Bernie with the little man and she loved the little man as if he were her own.''

''There is something else, I haven't told you'' Bernie said as she seen Serena watch him with so much love and pride.

''Let me guess, your pregnant''

''That wit of yours never seems to fail you Ms Campbell''

''Here hold him for me''

''Come on little man, come to your favourite''

Bernie passed him over and reached up to the top drawer of her bedside table and pulled out an envelope.

''What is it''

''Open it, you'll see''

Serena looked confused, she opened it, pulled out a piece of paper inside, ''his birth certificate,'' Serena was still confused.

Bernie rolled her eyes ''Look at the name''

''Toby Campbell-Wolfe'' Serena read out loud and her face lit up

''Also known as 'The little man'' Bernie said.

Obviously that part was not on the birth certificate.  
 


	18. Thank you, for loving me

"Lets get a little more comfortable shall we" Serena suggested, her back starting to hurt sitting on the floor.

Bernie's eyes scanned the room feeling instantly embarrased at the state of the place.  
"Come on, I'll help you" Serena smiled, putting Bernie at ease.

They changed the bedsheets, tidied the room, cleared out the rubbish and each had a quick shower, both washing away the dried tears from their faces, letting their worries flow away. They each moved around each other feeling more relaxed than they had done in weeks. They bathed the little man, smothering him in a rich, moisterising cream that made Serena want to "eat him up" before finally climbing under the covers.

Bernie curled into Serena as the little man lay snuggled onto Serenas chest. 

"You okay" Bernie whispered.  
Serena nodded, eyes focused on the baby in front of her as she ran her fingers over his head.  
"I know this can't be easy for you" Bernie's eyelashes fluttering up to look at Serenas face.  
"I just, I miss her" Serena shrugged.  
"I know, If this is too much?"  
"No"  
"We could"  
"What"  
"Serena, I love you, and if your struggling with this, with us, I'll do anything I can to make things easier, if that means we take things slower, I don't know maybe start dating again, seperate houses, take things slower then I'd be willing to do that, I'd be willing to do anything for you"  
"No, I want you, and I want him, I want us to be together, the three of us, I can't promise to not have bad days, but I promise to love you, both of you, this, us, together, this is what I want"

They lay snuggled together, legs tangled under the covers, content with the comfortable silence before Bernie whispered hesitantly.

"What do you think Eleanor would have thought of him?"  
Serena chuckled "She would have loved him until he cried or needed his nappy changed, then she would have handed him back" 

They smiled, eyes glazing over at the thought of what could have been.

"She really would have loved him though" Serena mumbled.

"We'll make sure he knows all about her, his big sister in the sky" Bernie kissed his head before pecking Serena's collarbone.

Serena nodded as the silence took over again.

Serena yawned, the days events finally catching up on her body.

"You must be tired, Bernie whispered wrapping her arms tighter around her "get some sleep"

Serena snuggled closer, content to keep the baby cuddled into her knowing Bernie was awake to watch over them both.

A few minutes of silence passed, Bernie smiling, taking in every euphoric second of having the two people she loves most in the world finally in her arms before,

"Thank you" serena whispered into the darkness.

Bernie's brow creasing in confusion

"For loving me, when I was, when I was unloveable"

Bernies heart sank, "you were never unloveable, not to me, quiet the opposite actually"

"I've been awful, the things I've said"  
"Sshh, you don't need to worry about that now, you we're grieving Serena" 

"But"

"But nothing, I love you, I LOVE YOU, it's as simple as that. . . Get some sleep" Bernie kissed Serenas crown and settled against her.


	19. Watch your language

As the weeks passed, they fell into a blissful routine.  
Both returning to work each morning with a smile on their faces, hand in hand, Bernie had never been happier.

They'd often sneak back to their shared office or rooftop for a quick kiss. Fingers always brushed together as they passed patient notes or coffee cups.

Bernie sat on the hospital roof, cigarette in one hand and biting her nails of the other  
"You okay Darling" Serena asked after finding her hiding in the corner. 

She knew Bernie well enough to know she only took a break on her own when things had became too much. Although Bernie would never admit it, it had became common for Serena to find Bernie up here after the death of a patient.

"What oh yeah" Bernie smiled at Serena, happy to see her, she needed a cuddle.  
Serenas brow creased "you've been crying"  
"Im fine"  
"No your not"  
There was an akward silence while Bernie brushed the tears from here cheeks.  
"Talk to me" Serena whispered, taking the cigarette from Bernies hand stubbing it out before rubbing her thumb over Bernies knuckles.  
"I um, I seen Cam today, he's doing a rotation on keller"  
"Is he okay" Serena's brow creased as she worried what Cam had done to upset her.  
"Yeah he's um he's got a date with Morven tonight" Bernie giggled, she always said he would have no problem with the ladies.  
"Ah, so thats why she's been grinning like a cheshire cat all day" Serena smiled at the thought of Cam and Morven together. She loved them both dearly.  
"still doesn't explain why you've been crying though?" Serena nudged Bernie with her shoulder.  
"It's Charlotte"  
Serena looked confused  
"Shes getting married"  
"Oh"  
"Yep"  
"And you don't want her to"  
"She's my daughter I'm happy she's happy" Bernie gave a small smile.  
"But?"  
"I'm not invited, she um, she's invited Marcus, what kind of girl doesn't want her own mum at her wedding, she hates me!" Bernie cried.  
"She doesn't hate you" Serena wrapped her arms around Bernies shoulders and pulled her close.  
"She does, I miss her"  
Serena squeezed her tighter, her own eyes beginning to fill up with tears.  
"I know" Serena whispered, she understood, she really did, because she missed Eleanor just as much.  
"Shit, SHIT" Bernie pulled back out of Serena's grip to check her face. "Serena I I'm sorry, fuck!"  
"No, no don't be silly you don't have to be sorry"  
She pulled Bernie back to her chest and held her as she cried.  
"I'm sorry" she clenched her eyes tight in frustation.  
"Shhh it's okay"

A few days had passed, Serena knew Bernie well enough to know the Charlotte situation was still bothering her.  
They had a rare day off together and Serena had decided she wasn't going to let Bernie sit at home feeling sorry for herself.  
Lying in bed together, enjoying the time to relax, not rush to get ready for work, Serena couldn't help but notice how with drawn Bernie was.  
"Breakfast in bed?" Serena whispered as she kissed Bernies collarbone.

Serena checked on the baby and began cooking, leaving Bernie to her thoughts. She'd picked a flower from the garden to put on the tray, a little something to make Bernie smile she hoped.

Suddenly there was a soft knock at the door. 

They weren't expecting anyone, who's knocking this early she thought as she answered.

"Cameron how nice to see you" Serena beams as she opens the door.

His eyes looked passed Serena as Bernie emerges down the staircase, baby on her hip.  
"Cameron" Bernie was pleasantly suprised at his arrival.  
"Major" Cam teased giving a mock salute.

Bernie beams at her son, he's arrived in full formal attire, navy blue suit and tie with a white shirt and Serena's heart melts as she watches Bernies smile grow with the pride she has for her oldest son, "you look so handsome" Bernie says, voice breaking as tears spring to her eyes.  
Cam rolls his eyes in embarrasment.  
"If only I was twenty years younger" Serena teases  
"Mum wouldn't stand a chance, I'd whisk you off for feet Ms Campbell"  
They all laugh at Cams wit.  
"Irisistability runs in the family" Serenas raises her brow playfully.

"Let me guess money or food" Bernie asks passing the baby over to Cam for him to have a hold.  
"And what makes you think I didn't just want to see my lovely family! He fakes offence to Bernie and Serena before looking at his baby brother in his arms "not you, you smell" he teases.

Serena closes the door behind him and they all walk to the kitchen.

"Because my handsome boy" Bernie plants a kiss on Cams cheek, straightens his tie after the baby had just tugged at it. "Evidence suggests you only come by when your skint or hungover!"  
"Oh how I love these family get togethers" he mutters to Serena as she's already preparing him breakfast, knows she won't even need to ask if her step sons hungry, he always is!  
"Well mother thats where your wrong, I'm here for you actually, you need to go and get changed, your my plus one!" He states.  
"Charlottes changed her mind, she wants me at the wedding?" Bernie looks at Serena relieved.  
"Not exactly, lets just say they might not be a wedding" Camerons eyes stay focused on the baby in his arms.  
"Cameron?" Bernies tone is warning, "tell me!"  
 "Grooms been fucking the bridesmaid" he says sadly.  
Bernie stood in shock, looks to Serena to recieve a sympathetic expression "I'll go get dressed" she runs off towards the stairs.  
"Be quick" she shouts after her.  
"Oh and cameron" She's ran back, clips him round the ear, "watch your language!" She snaps before running off again leaving Serena smirking as she passes him a plate of food.

Serena sits with Cam, tells him how upset his Mum has been that she wasn't invited, how just because she stopped loving Marcus doesn't mean she'll ever stop loving her children.  
Cam explains how him and Charlotte have mutual friends. That theres gossip going round and the story is the wedding may not go ahead, he knows how rubbish Dad is in these types of situations, feels like his Mum should be there as damage control.

"What's taking her so long" he looks to his watch huffing, knowing normally she can be ready quickly.  
"I'll go" Serena goes up to find Berenie in a beautiful, classic, figure hugging pale blue dress and high heels. Not something she would normally choose, knows Bernie has only picked this because it's the only item in her wardrobe she thinks Charlotte would approve of. Sitting on the edge of the bed, tissue in her hand and tears on her cheeks, she sniffs as Serena sits beside her and takes hold of her hand.  
Bernie takes a breath and whispers,  
"What if she sends me away? What if he has been fucking the bridesmaid? What if. ."  
Serena cuts her off, "What if you get there and she realises just how much she still needs her mum? Bernie, she's still here, you still have the chance to salvage this relationship with your daughter, don't waste it" Serena whispers back.  
Bernie whimpers back her tears, wipes her cheeks with her tissue and nods.  
"I love you" Bernie's voice breaks as she speaks, she feels guilty, knows she should just be grateful her daughters still here, knows thats more than Serena has.  
Serena smiles at her, understands Bernies feelings, would never make them invaid just because her daughter is no longer here. I love you too"  
"Im so nervous" Bernie mutters.  
"Everything will be okay, you look beautiful, now go, go be with your daughter"


	20. Family occasion = pursuasion

Cameron cheekily asked if he could drive his Mums car, he didn't expect her to actually say yes. Having passed his test many years previously, his mounting student debt put a stop to being able to afford a car of his own whilst studying.

It was an hour drive to get to the venue of the wedding and Bernie sat in the passenger seat, staring out of the window chewing at her lip worryingly. 

"Will you stop"  
"What"  
"Worrying!"  
"What if she still doesn't want me there?"  
"Oh you know what Charlottes like she's always been a drama queen, and she only didn't invite you to suck up to Dad so he would pay for the wedding"

Bernie's stomach flipped at the thought of Marcus being there today. She couldn't help but feel guilty at the effect her failed marriage had on both of her children, the divide and emotional distress it had caused. She shook her head as she battled with her anxious thoughts.  
"Maybe we should just turn back"  
"No, your going, if this wedding does fall to peices she's going to need you now more than ever. Even if she is too stubborn to admit it!"  
Bernie smiled at her son, proud to see him still protecting his little sister even after all these years.

They arrived at the venue, a castle, beautifully located within a national park, the greenary surrounding it went on into the horizon, it was typical of Charlotte to pick somewhere like this, over the top and elaborate. Charlotte didn't do subtle.

The music began and the guests stood, Bernies stomach doing flips, she felt sick, her eyes were becoming teary already, terrified of what could happen. 

Would Charlotte spot her and kick her out, would the wedding be jilted, what would Marcus say, has his family seen her yet, does her daughter really hate her?

She was terrified Charlotte would reject her, unsure if her heart could handle the pain, she loved and missed her so much.

"I don't know why your so worried its not like it's you about to get jilted at the alter!"  
"Cameron!" She yelled at him.  
The bridesmaids began to walk down the aisle and Bernie glared at each one looking for a sign as to which one of the girls had betrayed her daughter.

"Not them" Cam whispered "she must have got the chop" he said.

The music built and in walked Marcus with Charlotte by his side. She looked beautiful, stunning, Bernie had never seen her daughter look so elegant.

A big white ball gown, sweetheart neckline with added sparkle. The veil went on and on and Bernie wondered how much it has set Marcus back, knowing deep down that budget would never have been an issue for his baby girl. She always was his little princess, a real Daddys girl.

Bernie watched as Marcus gave Charlotte away, the groom was exactly as Bernie had expected, tall dark and handsome, they made a good match, Bernie thought.

The two began their vows and Bernie held her breath when the guests were asked if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married. Looking at Cam in relief as no one spoke.

"You may kiss the bride" everyone clapped and Cam gave his Mum another tissue as she cried. "My baby girls all grown up" she said to Cam.  
"I knew I should have brought Serena!" Cam mocked.

The bride and groom walked out happily and began getting photos taken, Bernie content to be hiding in the crowd, pleased to see her daughters day turn out so magical.

Bernie stood smiling, in a day dream, drink in hand, watching her daughter kiss her new husband for photos when suddenly Charlotte caught sight of Bernie from the corner of her eye. Bernie was snapped out of trance, she cleared her throat, bowed her head, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear. "We need to go" she muttered to Cam before running off through the crowd.

"Mum, Mum, wait!"  
"She doesn't want me here Cameron, I should never have came, she's happy and I'm not going to spoil that for her, she's made her choice, now give me the keys"  
"No"  
"Cameron give me the keys!"  
"No!" He said simply  
"Cameron James Dunn, give.me.the.keys!"  
"No!"  
"Listen to your Mum Cam" they heard a voice behind them.

"Marcus" Bernie muttered, her chest felt tight and her hands shook, she willed herself not to cry.

Cam huffed and handed the keys back, Bernie took them and opened the car door.

"You don't have to leave" Marcus shouted, slowly walking towards the car.

Bernie stopped, looked back to see Marcus had moved closer. "Not if you don't want to that is" He looked sad.

"What so you can humiliate me in front of all Charlottes guests by getting her to kick me out herself, piss off Marcus"

"No" he sounded hurt "I wouldn't" he sighed "I'll speak to her, make her see sense, you should be here."

Bernie rolled her eyes disbelieveingly and climbed into the car and pulled the door closed, she put the car in reverse and and began moving before she slammed on her breaks, Charlottes big white dress magnified through the wing mirror.

She stopped, opened the door

"Mum"  
"Charlotte, I'm sorry, I know, I shouldn't have came, Cam he, well he, I'm going, I'm sorry"  
There was an akward silence, Mother and Daughter looking at each other before Bernie spoke again.

"You look incredible" she whispered, a tear running down her cheek.   
Bernie swallowed down the lump in her throat, wiped the tears from her cheeks, nodded and climbed back in the car.

"Let your mum stay Charlotte" Marcus spoke firmly.

Charlotte looked between her Mum and Dad before nodding her permission "I have to get back" she said irritated, turning back towards the castle, Bernie looked at Marcus in shock.

The rest of the afternoon went without a hitch. Drinks flowing and guests merry, Bernie shyed away from Marcus's family, content to just be hidden in the background and watch her her amazing daughter.

She stood at the bar ordering herself a whisky and a larger for her son, smiling at the thought of this mother -son bonding time. She remembered back to when Cam was just a small boy, when making pretend cups of tea turned into beer from the beer bar knowing that is sometimes where his father used to go and wanting to be just like him.

She felt a figure stand beside her, shoulder to shoulder.  
"Marcus" she was about to say she doesn't want to fight, that she just wants to be there for their daughter.  
"She looks beautiful doesn't she"  
"Yeah, she does"  
There was an akward silence as they both searched for words.  
"You let me stay, why?" Bernie spoke quietly.  
"Your her Mum" he shrugged "you should be here" he said simply.

She searched his eyes for a flicker of false pretence but found none, just a genuine father wanting his daughter to have the happiest day of her life with her Mother by her side.

She gave him a small smile and nodded "Thank you" she whispered.

"Bernie I"

"There you are you took your time!" Bernie cut Marcus off as she spotted Cameron coming back to the bar.  
He looked off colour, pale, clammy and eyes wide.  
"Cam"  
"Lets just say they are things a big brother should never see!"  
Marcus and Bernie glanced at each other in confusion as Cameron stole Bernies whiskey and chugged it back. He placed the glass back on the table and looked at his parents.  
"She knows"  
"Sorry?"  
"She knows, she's hit both him and the vodka and now shes trying to burn the dress, in her underwear!"

Both Bernie and Marcus giggled as they realised Cams pale complexion was due to seeing his sister in very little clothing.  
"Yeah can I have another one of these" he asked the bartended and Bernie and Marcus both chuckled more.  
"One of us should probably go see if she's okay" Bernie hesitated unsure if she was the appropriate person.  
"Not me, I'm not seeing that again" Cam shook his head and Marcus laughed.  
Bernie smiled "I'll go" she looked at Marcus for approval and he gave her a smile, she stood from the barstool to hear the sound of the fire alarm, guests looking at each other in panic as they began to escort themselves outside in an not so orderly fashion.

"She wouldn't" Bernie looked at both Cam and Marcus.  
"Oh you know she would" Cam rolled his eyes,  
"Go with the others Cam, Bern I'll come with you" and together they weaved through the crowd of guests heading towards Charlottes honeymoon room.


	21. What was she thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger warning for fire/trapped in a fire***

"HOPEFULLY SHE'S GONE OUTSIDE" Marcus shouted, as they ran down the smoke filled corridor, the alarm ringing loud in their ears they could barely be heard.  
"HOW CAN SHE BE SO STUPID" Bernie was checking the numbers on each of the doors.  
"CAM SAID IT'S ROOM 101!" She didn't realise how many rooms this castle had, for a second her mind wandered as she thought how lovely it would be to bring Serena here.  
"CHARLOTTE!"  
"CHARLOTTE!"  
They shouted, testing every door handle as they passed and failing to get into any of them, dam keycard systems!  
"MARCUS I CAN'T SEE" She began to cough as the smoke became thicker.  
"CHARLOTTE!"  
"THIS ONE" Marcus shouted as he used his fists to bang on the door, thick black smoke bellowed out from under the doorway.  
"CHARLOTTE ARE YOU IN THERE? CHARLOTTE!!" Marcus shouted.  
They head a bang from behind the door then a whimper of tears. Bernies eyes widened as she looked at Marcus in sheer panic.  
"CHARLOTTE! CHARLOTTE! OPEN THE DOOR"  she shouted as she used her hands to bang on the wood.  
She used her arm to knock the door open, she tried and tried again, before trying to kick it down, but it was no use.  
"LET ME" Marcus shouted, moving Bernie aside to kick at the door.

1  
2  
3  
Boom, the door swung open banging louding against the wall inside.  
"CHARLOTTE!!"  
The heat hit them instantly, Bernie waved her arms through the thick black smoke to see a four poster bed on fire, the fire spreading fast up to the ceiling.  
"CHARLOTTE!"   
Bernies eyes strained to scan the room as she began coughing violently.

"MARCUS" She shouted, she couldn't see him, the smoke was reducing her visability too much, she moved around the room searching for them both before heading towards the light of the window to see Marcus with an unconcious Charlotte, vodka bottle in her hand.   
Bernie gasped for air out of the window before turning back to see her daughter lay in her ex husbands arms.  
"MARCUS" She cried at him, fear running through her veins.  
"LETS GO" He shouted as he stood with Charlottes lifeless body in his arms.  
Bernie holding onto the top of Marcus's arm, allowing him to take the lead through the smoke.

The fire had now spread accross the celing and they ducked as they walked back through the room towards the door.

The burning frame of the four poster bed collapsed on to the floor, missing Bernie by inches, she jumped back into the wall squealing and Marcus turned round to grab her arm pulling her back from the flames and closer to him to protect her.  
They watched in shock and horror as the overwhelming flames became uncontrolable engulfing the other furniture in the room.  
Marcus tugged at Bernie, "AFTER THREE" he shouted, Bernie screamed as they ran through the flames and out into the corridor choking for breath.

Marcus dropped Charlotte's body the second they had reached safety as he fell to the floor and retched, trying desperatly to fight for breath through his uncontrollable coughing.

All three of them remained on the floor of the corridor getting soaked by the overhead sprinkler for a few minutes before Bernie felt the heat of the fire near the corridor wall.

"WE NEED TO GO" She tugged at him to stand knowing they needed to get away, scared the fire was moving quicker than they were.

As Marcus too a second to stand and gather Charlotte, Bernie looked back down the corridor they had came in through to see the fire was spreading along the wall.

"THIS WAY" she shouted as they both pulled each of Charlottes arms around their necks letting her legs drag along as they walked in the opposite direction.


	22. We all make mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me, I'm sorry!

They walked as fast as they could down the corridor, Bernie squinting to look for stairs back down to the entrance and exit of the castle.  
"THERES NO WAY OUT THIS WAY"   
Bernie panicked as she let go of Charlotte and began looking left and right down the lengthy corridor, her breaths heavy and her eyes heavier with tears, she was terrified. She looked to Marcus for reasurance to see him struggling to breath, clutching at his chest sliding down the wall as Charlotte lay beside his feet.  
She tried all of the handles on each of the surrounding room doors failing to get into any of them  
"WE'RE TRAPPED" she cried, feeling desperate and helpless.

She found a small fire extinguisher, would almost laugh at the size of it if it wasn't so serious.  
Deciding she would be fighting a loosing battle  trying to use it to put out the manic flames she settled on using it to break down a room door.  
Picking it up and using all of her strength as Marcus lay by her feet she used the bottom of the extinguisher to hit the door, aiming for just near the handle.

Marcus smiled as he looked up watching her, "You always liked playing the hero" he muttered breathlessly.

It took five attempts, but eventually the door broke open.

Tossing the extinguiser inside of the room she picked Charlotte under her arms and dragged her in, lying her on the floor near the bed.

She went back for Marcus, pulled his arm over her neck.  
"Leave me" he whispered in her ear, "look after Charlotte"  
"IM NOT LEAVING YOU, COME ON! MARCUS COME ON!" she shouted at him as she helped him up dragging him into the room and dropping him beside Charlottes body.

She ran back to close the door feeling exhausted, ran into the bathroom soaking a towel in water before rolling it up and jamming it under the doorway the best she could to prevent as much smoke creeping through.

She plonked her weary self down beside her daughter and ex husband and took some time to try with great difficulty to catch her breath.

Her eyes rolled as she exhaustedly scanned the room, she should open a window, shout for help, she would in a minute, she just needed a minute.  
"I.can't.breath." she lolled her head to the side to look at Marcus as her chest heaved.   
His eyes were rolling down and he was slumped against the wall. He pushed out a hand lazily towards her, found her head and patted it affectionately. He didn't speak and Bernies lashes fluttered as she looked up to his face spending a minute just watching him, taking in his features. He looked so smart earlier in his suit now he looked old, exhaused, scruffy from the black soot that covered his hair, face and clothing, but those eyes, his eyes had never changed, from the first time she looked into them all those years ago in a student nightclub.  
He hissed as he tried to move unaware Bernie had been watching him and she suddenly became aware of how serious his injuries were.

 

"Your arm, God Marcus"   
Lay flat on her back she reached out a hand and let it hover over his bloodied and burnt arm. Her tears coming thick and fast down her cheeks.  
"We need to get you both to a hospital" she whispered.  
"They'll find us" Marcus spoke slowly as he finally gave Bernie eye contact. "Cam will tell them" he reasured her sleepily, his coughing adding to his exhaustion.  
She looked at Charlotte lay beside them, in what was white lace underwear with stockings and suspenders which was now covered in murky soot.  
"His loss I'd say" she lolled her head back to the side to whisper to Marcus.  
"Ha" he laughed, his eyes beginning to close and Bernie rolled onto her side in effort to do something to help him but found she didn't have the strength for anything more. Tear tracks left on her mucky face she gave into exhaustion and settled for running her finger along the seam of his trouser pocket.  
"How" Marcus coughed, he took a breath and tried again.  
"How did we end up" he licked his lips "with such an overly confident daughter" be smiled.  
Bernie smiled back and sniffed loudly as she began to come to terms with this being the end.  
"You" he whispered before stopping  
"What" Bernies brow creased  
"Nothing" he shook his head softly  
"Tell me" she asked pleadingly, puppy dog eyes looking up at him.  
"You were always gorgeous, but you couldn't see it" a tear ran off his chin.  
They locked eyes and looked deep, the taste of their own salty tears in their mouths before finally Marcus coughed and pulled them out of their moment.  
Bernie wiped her cheeks quickly and let out a small whimper as she tried to compose herself.  
"What was she thinking" Bernie whispered, new tears flowing as she curled into Marcus's leg.  
Marcus shrugged, reached out to rest one hand on Bernie's shoulder and the other brushing Charlottes hair away from her face. He shook his head, unsure of the answer

 

"We all make mistakes" he said simply.


	23. What a Nightmare

"BERNIE? BERNIE? CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

Bernie's eyes rolled open, dazed and disorientated.  
"Shhh its ok darling it's just a dream, your safe, your safe, it's just a dream!" 

Bernies eyes rolled back and her body shut down as she dozed back off to sleep.


	24. Stay Strong Cameron

Cam came rushing in, flustered and stressed.  
"Hey" he said quietly breathless, he had clearly ran.  
"Hello darling" Serena answered calmly, she had been expecting this.  
"How is she? The nurses said-"  
"She's okay" she quickly reassured him "still sleeping, it was just a nightmare."  
"Oh" he nodded in relief, terrified and stressed as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.  
Serena's heart broke as she took in his vulnerability, she held out her hand as if he was a child, he took it instantly, needing the comfort and sat on the arm of the chair, pulling his knees up to hug them. 

Serena watched him silently as he gazed at Bernie. She contemplated sliding him off the arm of the chair and onto her knee like she would with the little man.

She snapped out of her trance, deciding she would continue to purposefully remain calm at all times in front of Cam. She could visibly see the effects the stress was having on him, wondered when he last ate or slept, knew he had been staying at the hospital like she had. She couldn't imagine how diffucult it was for him to have all three of his family members involved in such a horrific ordeal. She would offer to sit with Marcus and Charlotte tonight, take him down to pulses for some food and fresh air, she knew Bernie would appreciate someone looking after him.

"How are the others?" She asked softly.  
Cam shrugged, "Smoke inhalation damage, we just have to wait and see."  
She felt so sorry for him, hoped that although she wasn't blood related family, he didn't feel like he was dealing with this alone.  
Serena wrapped her arm around him and he leaned in, rested his head on her shoulder as he watched over his Mum lying in the hospital bed, a breathing mask over her face and a beeping monitor beside her.  
After a few minutes of silence Serena looked at Cam, she had always been maternal towards all of Bernies' children, but always felt like she had more of a connection with Cam over Charlotte, she could see a lot of him in the little man.  
She rubbed his shoulder affectionately.  
"Everything will be okay" she whispered  
He shook his head "I should never have let them go after her, I should have-"  
"This isn't your fault"  
"It is" he began to break down.  
Before Serena even got a chance to argue Bernies hand twitched.  
"Mum?  
Mum?  
can you hear me?"

Bernie became restless in her sleep and Serena went for help, knowing she wasn't allowed to treat her.

"She's waking up" he shouted over to Serena as she returned with Raff.  
Bernies eyes flickered open, dazed and lathargic but they are instantly drawn to Serena. She takes her in and Serena lets out a teary breath of relief before it is overpowered by a wave of fear, fear that Bernie doesn't recognise her! 

But then Bernie smiles at her, that small, coy smile that she uses when she knows she's in trouble.

The tear runs off Serena's face and she quicky swipes at her cheeks.  
"Hello you" even her words sounds wet and teary.  
"Hi" Bernie tries to speak, finds that no audable word comes out.  
"Don't try to talk" Cam tells her softly and it's only then she notices here's here too.  
Her head drops to the right to take him in and she reaches out a trembling hand to caress his face.  
Catches sight of the drip injected into the back of her hand and panics, her eyes fill with tears and she tries with little energy to remove her breathing mask  
"Shh shh Ch-ar-lotte" she croaks.  
"Keep this on, she's fine, she's fine, lets keep this on" Serena replaces the mask gently over her face watching her struggle to breath before her eyes give up and begrudeingly send her back into slumber.


	25. Where else would I be?

She wakes a few hours later.  
"Your still here" she whispers, her voice raspy and hoarce.  
"Where else would I be" Serena flirted.  
She watches as Bernies eyes fleet over to Cameron asleep on a chair beside her, watches how her brow knits together with worry but she smiles all the same at the sight of her son safe and sleeping peacefully.  
"Where's?"  
"Morven's watching him"  
Doesn't even need to let Bernie finish her sentence because she knows her inside out, knows her children are the most important things in her life, despite the fact that her biggest haunting secret is that she thinks she's a terrible mother. 

Bernie turned her view judgementally towards Serena, frowning again as she spotted the dark circles under her eyes.  
"Your tired" she said in her quiet, husky voice.  
Serena chuckled, It was so typical of Bernie, even as she's lying in a hospital bed she's caring about Serena.  
"Oh don't you worry about me, I'm fine"  
Serena said far too non chalant for Bernie to believe her.  
Bernie licked her lips nervously as guilt swept her veins, she couldn't imagine what she'd put Serena and Cam through.  
Serena seemed to read her thoughts and as Bernies' eyes scanned Cam, Serena whispered,  
"He's coping"  
Bernie shook her head and allowed a tears to break free.  
"Everything will be okay" Serena comforted her, taking her hand and tucking the hair behind Bernies' ear.  
"Promise" Bernie cried, he voice small and vunerable.  
"I promise"  
"C'z I don't think-"  
"Shhhh it's okay"  
There was a few minutes of comfortable silence while Serena uses a tissue to dry Bernies' tears, Serena made sure she held in any emotion of her own, she could cry later she thought, she needed to be the strong one now.  
Serena yawned and they both giggled  
"Sorry" she smiled  
"Go home" Bernie said in her ear, "get some sleep"  
"I'm okay"  
"Serena, go, sleep"  
Serena hesitated, she didn't want to leave, but she was exhausted, knew she couldn't give Bernie anything else to worry about right now, that she had to look after herself to be able to look after Bernie, Cam, the little man and who ever else became added to the list. Nodding she kissed her head, "I'll be straight back first thing."  
Bernie nodded back adjusting her breathing mask.  
"S'rena"  
Serena turned back  
"love you"  
Serena walked back kissed her again.  
"I love you too, get some sleep"

Bernie lay and watched Cam sleeping soundly beside her.  
Torn between waking him up to send him home for decent rest and leaving him so she could enjoy the moment of being with her boy.

She used to watch him as a baby, back when he had no hair and teeny tiny hands that would wrap round her thumb.  
She picked up his hand and pressed hers and his together to compare size, pressed her fingertips against his, remembered when he had first learned to give hi fives and insisted on giving them to anyone he met.

Her thoughts turned to her daughter and with that she climbed out of bed and walked herself slowly along the corrior, wheeling along her drip beside her.

She entered Charlottes room to find her sleeping too, picked up the two wedding rings that she found on the bedside table and toyed with them sadly in her own hands and fingers.

The door opened behind her and she turned to see Marcus.


	26. Never let you out of my sight

He looked ill, old and distant, Bernie realised she hadn't looked in the mirror herself since waking up, wondered if she looked just as rough.   
He hobbled towards the bed, his eyes glued firmly to Charlotte, he had nearly lost her once, now he had her back safe, he would never let her out of his sight again.

"She looks so peaceful" he whispered.  
"Yeah"   
Her voice seemed to alert him of her presence and he finally tore his gaze away from his precious daughter to look at Bernie.  
"Are you?"  
"Im okay" Bernie smiled, her heart touched by his care.  
"Cam?"  
"He's okay" she nodded "Serenas looking after him" 

There was an akward silence as they both watched their daughter.

Almost as an after thought Bernie asked  
"You?"  
He nodded, eyes still firmly fixed to his beautiful girl in front of him. Bernie could see he wasn't okay at all, was uncertain her words had even registered until he whispered something else.  
"Just"   
"What" her brow creased finding him difficult to understand.  
He shrugged "I should have stopped this" he said more to himself.  
"It's not your fault" Bernie shook her head, tried to comfort him.  
He tore his gaze away again "No?" He questioned unconvinced.  
"No!"

They eyes remained locked, unsure of words to say, Bernie seemed to have some sort of magic spell on him. Bernie was looking so deep into his eyes Marcus was scared she could hear his thoughts.

Marcus clears his throat uncomfortably.

"The um the fire crew that rescued us confirmed the cause of the fire, it was the dress" he spoke softly. Bernie placed her head in her hands in dispair.  
"Ahhh what was she thinking" she scrubbed at her face and took a deep breath.  
Marcus's gaze moved back to Charlotte  
"I don't know what I would have done if, if I'd have lost her"  
He placed his head in his hands and sobbed, his walls crumbling without his own approval.  
"Sorry" he said quickly, clearing his throat again in a bid to compose himself.  
"Don't be, I get it" she said standing up, wheeling her drip stand beside her, wanting to reach out to him but feeling hesitant.  
"I just really need her to be okay"  
She placed her hand on the top of his arm and rubbed affectionatley. "She will be, we just need to be patient"

She could count on one hand the amount of times she'd seen him cry, always happier to talk his emotions through as oppose to Bernie who bottled everything up.  
He smiled up at her, grateful for her kind words of comfort at a time when he really needed to hear them.  
"I thought I'd lost you" he nudged her.

During their ordeal, a coughing fit from Marcus as he desperately fought for breath was the motivation Bernie needed to go smash the window and shout for help, signalling to the fire crew below which room they were in, Marcus not being able to see what was going on as the smoke clouded his vision.

"Ah you know me ha, always did like to keep you on your toes while I ran into danger"  
The giggled together, just like old times.

"She will be okay, you know" Bernie said softly.  
He nodded  
"If you hadn't" she wanted to say if he hadn't knocked the door down, walked through the flames and got Charlotte out, got them both out, Bernie thought as she remembered the collapsing bedframe and how terrified she was, remembering Marcus pulling her close to him protectively.  
"Don't" he could her off not wanting to think about it.  
"You saved her" she consoled him.  
"I walked her down the aisle, I gave her away to him!" He looked her directly in the eye, anger building more at himself than her.

"You could give her away a thousand times to a thousand men, but she'll always need her father" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his waist, he didn't deserve to feel guilty, dispite everything that had happened between them he had always been an amzing father, she could never take that away from him. She always knew he would walk through hot flames for any of his kids and he did just that, a wave of guilt consumed her as she thought of depriving the little man of the chance to get to know this side of Marcus, the protective amazing father he's missing out on, and the parenting that Marcus is missing out on too .

She pressed her ear to his chest so she could hear his heartbeat, hoped that he would think she was comforting him when really she selfishly hung on to him to take the comfort she needed, Marcus rested his chin on the crown of her head and the stood together, holding on for what felt like an eternity.

"I'm sorry for everything" he whispered.


	27. She needs me tonight

They both needed rest, they had been though so much, they both kissed an unconcious Charlotte goodbye, whispered we love you in her ear and that they would be back soon.

Bernie walked Marcus back to his room, having been the one to rush through flames with no thought of his own safety he'd suffered more damage than Bernie.

She helped him climb onto the bed and sat on he edge beside him, couldn't help but feel emotional at the state he was in.  
"Don't cry" he whispered at her.  
He pulled her in and they lay together on top of the bed covers,  Bernie curled into Marcus's side, her arms wrapped over his middle, his hand drawing patterns on the smooth skin on the top of her arm.

She sniffed and swallowed down her emotion.  
"Do you think she'll need some kind of therapy?" She asked him.  
Marcus shrugged "She's lost her marriage, her husband, nearly lost both her parents as well as her own life, I'm not sure how anyone copes with that." He answered her honestly.

She chewed at her lip thoughtful, opened her mouth to speak then closed it again, letting her fingertips dance nervously along the pattern of his hospital gown.

She tried again so quietly she barely heard herself

"Cam told me, about, about your mental breakdown, I'm sorry" she froze as she said it, didn't want the tension to return between them.  
She felt his body tense beneath her, his jaw locked and he clentched his eyes closed, he begged for no more tears to drop, gave himself a minute and then just accepted them as they dropped anyway, finding that no judgement from Bernie came, only love and care.  
He shrugged again, moved his hand up to nervously twiddle with curls of her hair.   
"I'd lost everything, the kids, you, the thought of loosing the baby too, I-"  
"I'm sorry" she told him honestly "I shouldn't have-" She didn't really know what she should or shouldn't have done, only knew she should have done something to prevent what happened between them, he was the father or her children, the man she'd spent most of her life with, the first and only man she'd ever loved, regardless of being in the medical profession, she should have done something.  
He shook his head, "I'm not proud" and Bernie knew him well enough to know he really wouldn't be, a man who walked through fire to save his family that was the real Marcus, the Marcus she fell for all those years ago.

"I,um, I went after you, you know" his throat felt dry.  
"I know, I seen you" she smiled.  
"No, I um, I found you, unconcious" he held his breath, eyes scanning the room for something to focus on as he confessed.  
Bernie raised her head to look up at him  
"You, you saved me?"  
"I did that to you" he shrugged "you looked so small, skinny, you were in a back ally"  
"Why didn't you say" she whispered sadly "the police, the judge, they would have reduced your sentence"  
"I got what I deserved, I never ment to hurt you, either of you"  
Bernie lay her head back down on his chest and snuggled closer.  
And she believed him, because the Marcus she knew, the real Marcus never would.

They lay in silence, she couldn't help but feel responsible, the kids had flown the nest, she had returned from the army to say she was leaving him, and with her hobby for running away it was understandable that in some small, messed up way he'd want to do anything to cling on to the only thing he had left, the baby. She was the trigger that started his derailment.

He turned his face to look down at her:  
"Can I ask?"   
"Hmm? She'd almost nodded off,  
"Tell me something about him, just one thing"  
She felt so sad for him,  
"I think I can do one better than that" she smiled  
Reaching for her phone to show him a picture, watching as his tears broke from his eyes"  
"He looks like Charlotte" he beamed.  
"But with Cams hair" they both finished the sentence and giggled.  
"Cams energetic and inquizitive nature too" she rolled her eyes.  
"He's beautiful" he rested his head back on the pillow, smiling from ear to ear, content with seeing a photo of his youngest boy, Bernies heart could have bust with love she loved him even more that he hadn't pushed for anything more, hadn't made her feel guilty for with holding contact.

"Cam called me you know, when I was inside, told me that you'd given birth, that you were in a bad way, I considered getting beat up just to get taken to hospital to be with you. Went to bed wishing that Serena was looking after you, that she'd rubbed your back and held your gas and air"

Bernie swiped at the tears on her cheeks, could feel the wet patch her tears had left on marcus's gown under her cheek.

"It wasn't really like that this time" she whispered.

"Serena she" she cleared her throat, swallowed down the lump that was slowly becoming painful.  
"She lost her daughter, Eleanor, she was in a car accident, driving under the influence."  
"Im sorry"  
"She um, she struggled to cope, the grief, she didn't eat, didn't sleep, drank herself into oblivion most nights, she just wanted her space, but then the wine would kick in, she would get argumentitive, agressive, she'd pass out eventually and I'd carry her up to bed most nights.

I didn't know what to do, she was broken in peices, and without a peice of Eleanor, there was no way of fixing her back together.

I thought, If I go back to work, run the ward, it would give her one less thing to worry about, give her time to, I don't know, to grieve, to rebuild herself, but she went back, she's stronger than people give her credit for. I knew the due date was soon, knew I shouldn't really, but I just, I-"

"Already had so much to be dealing with" Marcus answered understandably.

She nodded against him wiping her nose on his gown as she sobbed.

"We had our fundraiser on our first day back"  
"You mean you actually went" an inside joke, he knew she hated those things.

"She'd put so much effort into organising, and someone had to monitor her alcohol consumption"

"I um, I'd just put my dress on in the locker room and something happened, pressure, contraction, I just put it down to braxton hicks, she found me in the locker room sitting on the bench trying to catch my breath, we weren't really talking properly back then, she looked amazing, even though deep down inside her heart was utterly broken, on the outside, she still looked, just-" she searched for the words "perfect."

"She sat with me, done my make up and put my hair clip in, and the whole time all I could think was, please not tonight, please, she needs me tonight.

We got in the cab, and I pulled on that seatbelt the whole way as though my life depended on it, he was so low and I was so uncomfortable.

You know she dazzled everyone in the room that night.

I was so uncomfortable, like the days before Charlotte, remember that birthing ball."

"You sat on that for weeks"  
"couldn't really do much else" they giggled at the memory.

"We went back to work the following day I think I knew I was in early labour but I just pretended it wasn't happening, how could I leave her at a time like this."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you" Marcus whispered.

"I stood over the nurses desk most of the day getting pains, tried to go into theatre had one in front of Ric while scrubbing in, he kicked me out, I was grateful to be honest, don't think I could have managed 6 hours in theatre without having something to hold onto.

We were locked in our office the first big contraction came, and I knew, there was no running from it anymore, the next thing you know he was here, Serena helped me, he was much quicker than the last two."

He brushed back her fringe and placed a kiss on her forehead "I'm so sorry" he said.


	28. Unloveable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger warning Attempted Suicide ***

"Mum, Dad wake up" Cam had popped his head into Marcus's room, "They are going to bring Charlotte round" he voiced in hushed tones.

Bernie woke harshly, having dropped into a comforting sleep in Marcus's arms.  
"What, what time is it?" she asked rubbing her eyes abd nudging Marcus with her elbow to wake him.  
"Almost 10, come on they're waiting for you!"  
"Shit!" She scrubbed her face with her hands sleepily, "Marcus, come on we have to get up"  
He groaned loudly "kids!"  
Bernie couldn't bring herself to smile, was more concerned with her daughters welfare and the fact that she had hoped Serena would have been here by now to help her through this, she really needed her here right now. If not for moral support with the Charlotte situation then at least for a hug.

They all walked to Charlottes room, Raff informing them that Charlotte should wake soon and they would reassess her once she's woken.

"I um, I should call Serena, she would want to be here" she nervously told the group, in truth she was just terrified of the outcome regarding Charlottes health and the fact that they still weren't on the best of terms.

"Oh she's around here somewhere, she was back before the sun was even up" Raff informed her.  
Bernie froze, giving a small, false smile.  
She knew something was wrong, feared that Serena had seen her and Marcus together and got the wrong end of the stick, she knew how much Serena hated him and that she would have some explaining to do, knew at some point they would have to discuss letting the little man and Marcus have contact together.

No sooner had she thought it, Charlotte began to wake up.  
She breathed out a sigh of relief.  
"Hello darling" she smiled the biggest smile happy to know finally all her children were safe and sound, that finally all her ducks were in a row.

Charlotte woke groggy and disorientated.  
"Why are you here?" She asked, a bitter tone towards her mother.  
"Why wouldn't I be here" she glanced akwardly at Marcus, looking for comfort and reasurance.  
"I want you to go"  
Bernies face dropped  
"You don't mean that" Bernie spoke lightly.  
"Get out"  
Bernie searched for the right words found that in the time it took to find them Charlotte had found her own.  
"GET OUT!! She cried "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Bernie ran out of the side room and off the ward in tears, feeling even more sorry for herself for having no Serena to comfort her. 

She sat out in the peace garden alone, cigarette in hand until suddenly Cam was beside her.  
"Hello darling" she smiled at him. She hadn't really had a chance to speak to him yet, to check he was okay, noticed instantly that he looked thinner than usual and made a mental note to make sure he eats now that she was back on her feet again, thought about maybe organising some therapy for him too.  
"You okay Mum" he sat beside her and wrapped his arms around her, she smiled leaning in, knew that he was doing exactly what she did to Marcus earler, pretending to be the comforter when really he needed the comfort. She was more than happy to give it, thinks the last time she and he hugged must have been when he was in his teens.  
"She hates me" she off loaded to her son  
"She doesn't hate you"   
"Fine, she blames me, and she has every right to" she huffed into his chest.  
"Have you ever thought that maybe she didn't invite you to the wedding to protect you?"  
Bernie gave a sarcastic laugh, he always tried to play the mediator between his mother and sister.  
"Maybe she doesn't blame you, maybe she was scared for you."  
"Because your Father is so dangerous" she joked, "Do you honestly think i'm going to believe that."  
"It was worth a try" he smiled, playfully.  
"She huffs out a smile" she loved him for trying though.  
"You know you may think that Charlotte and Dad are close, but the truth is all this time your the only one shes ever wanted, he was no comparison."

They were cut off my the sound of Raff

"Charlottes on the roof!"

Both Bernie and Cam froze for a second, unsure they had heard correctly before running into the hospital and up the stairs faster than their legs could carry them, Bernie having to stop more times than she ever would to wheeze for breath through a coughing fit, her lungs still recovering from the smoke damage.

She fell through the door on the roof finding she was last to arrive.  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Charlotte screamed, standing far to close to the edge for Bernies liking.  
"CHARLOTTE, CHARLOTTE COME AWAY FROM THERE!" Bernie held out her hand, begged anyone listening not to let her fall.  
"It's better for everyone" she sobbed.  
"What, no, for who?" Bernie was in full blown panic.  
"YOU NEVER WANTED ME ANYWAY WHAT DO YOU CARE!"  
"Charlotte thats not true, please just come down and we can talk about this. . .   
Charlotte please I love you, please don't do this." she begged.  
"You can't" Charlotte whispered.  
"Charlotte listen to your Mum" (Marcus was terrified, he always struggled dealing with the kids challenging behaviour when they were children, happy to play fun dad that disiplinarian but he always felt way more out of his depth with Charlotte, always knew deep down that her behaviour rooted from just needing her Mum, felt guilty that as hard as he tried he wasn't able to fulfil that need as a father.

"Why am i so cursed Mum" Charlotte whispered looking out into the distance.  
"What?" Bernie didn't understand.  
"Everyone I love leaves me, they can't love me back, im just - Unloveable"  
"You think, you think your unloveable" Bernie looked like a rabbit in headlights, eyes wide in panic and fear and at her very most vulnerable.  
"The only person that loves me is my Dad and I nearly killed him" she cried.

Bernie couldn't believe her ears!

"Charlotte, Charlotte listen to me" she spoke slowly, punctuating each individual word to make sure the message was understood.

"I loved you from the second I even knew about you!"

She kept her eyes fixed on her daughters expression for any sign of disbelief.

"I fell madly in love for you the second I held you in my arms, kissed your little head, you are the love of my life, my baby girl, my perfect princess, how can you possibly be unloveable when I love you more than anything else in this world."

Bernie pleaded to all the gods to not let her daughter fall, she crept closer and closer, was prepared to jump after her if nessessary.

"Then why did you leave me?" Charlotte cried, her hands wrapped round the railing that she stood on the wrong side of.  
Bernie broke, was unconsoleable  
"Im sorry" she said honestly.  
"So am I" Charlotte said before wiping her face and moving suddenly.  
"NO!" Bernie screamed, the sheer panic she was feeling inside was overwhelming.  
"Charlotte please you've got to listen to me, we can fix this, we can. . . "  
She needed Serena, she needed Marcus, she needed anyone.  
Bernie sobbed.

"Your better off without me" Charlotte whispered  
"No! I was never better off without you, Never!"  
"Then why did you leave me" Charlotte turned her face to give her mother eye contact.

Bernie looked at the state her daughter was in and her heart shattered into a thousand peices and for a second she wonders if this is only a small miniscule amount of the pain that Serena feels with out Eleanor.

"I-I-I" she stutters, her mouth opens and closes as for the first time in her life she feels like she's lost the ability to communicate.  
She shook her own head as she searched for the words, bit the inside of her cheek nervously.  
"I didn't think I was doing a good job" she confessed, bare audable.  
"Being a mum, I I just, it was hard, people tell you it comes naturally, maternal instinct, but, it just didn't come to me, it was me not you.  
Charlotte, it was never ever you, ever.  
I love you so much, I always have, I always will." Bernie cried, the words physically hurting her throat as well as her heart as she confessed her most heartbreaking secret thats haunted her all these years. She needed Serena she thought to herself.  
"You ran" Charlotte spoke, her voice breaking with emotion.  
"I thought you's would be better off without me"  
How can a child be better off without their Mum?" She found herself being asked the question she repeatedly asked herself all those years ago. Yet, all these years later, she still didn't have the answer.  
"You always seemed to love your Dad, being a father came so naturally to him,  
"I needed you!" Charlotte shouted.  
"I know, I know, and im so so sorry."  
Bernie could barely stand she was sobbing so hard.

"I'm here now, if its not too late"  
She reached out a trembling hand to Charlotte and sobbed loudly as it was accepted, not caring who heard her, she pulled her down clumsily and folded her into the tightest hug, she didnt even care if she squashed her, now she had her back she was never letting her go.


	29. No more tears left to cry

Bernie was discharged from the hospital but refused to leave, insisting she needed to be with her daughter. She sat and watched Charlotte sleep, holding on to her hand tightly, scared to let go.  
After hours and hours of bedside protection, Marcus firmly told her she needed to go home and sleep. She instantly and firmly refused but Marcus brutally told her "you've agreed to be around now, and she needs you more than I ever imagined she would, so don't let her down, you need to be strong for her, and you can only do that if your looking after yourself, we'll do shifts, go home, sleep!" 

 

She arrived home, feeling phyisically and mentally, drained and exhausted, she hadn't slept or ate for 48 hours and the migrane in her head felt like someone was repeatedly hitting her with an axe, she needed painkillers and Serena, she already knew her brain was too wired to sleep.

She threw herself down on the sofa and rested her head back, it only just occured to her now what with all the chaos that she hadn't seen Serena since the night she left the hospital.

She pulled out her phone, tried calling but got the voicemail and hung up, hoped she was just stuck in theatre or that she will wake up soon to find this whole sorry mess has been a bad dream.  
   
She had nodded off on the sofa when a knock at the door abruptly woke her from her slumber.  
Barely awake she answered the door, rubbed her eyes to find Ric holding up an intoxicated Serena.

"SERENA!" Her eyes widened in shock, she'd seen Serena in some bad ways but never like this.  
Ric held her up as her legs were too weak to support her, her head rested on his shoulder with her eyes closed.  
"Jesus Serena!"  
"She over did it a bit thats all" Ric walked her in carrying all of her body weight and gently placing her on the sofa.  
"A bit! You didn't think to bring her home sooner!" She wasn't in the mood for this.  
"Oh no Major, this is all on you!"  
"I'm sorry?"  
"Speak to your partner!"

 

Bernie looked down at Serena sprawled accross the sofa, noted the dry tear tracks down her cheeks.  
"Ahhh Serena" she said wearily, rubbed at her temples in attempt to release some tension before thanking Ric for bringing her home, even if he hadn't looked after her as well as she would have done.  
She let Ric out and kneeled down on the floor at Serena's head, stroking the hair back from her face, she should have know Serena was bound to hit breaking point eventually, after all the stress she's been under recently, she understood the knock on effect it would have.

Serena groaned "Get off me, get off of me!"  
Bernie lifted her hands in a surrender motion before dropping them to pick at her cuticles.  
"What have you done to yourself Serena?" She asked quietly.

Serena groaned, rolled over away from Bernie.  
"Go back to Marcus and leave me alone" she slurred.  
"Marcus, whats this got to do with him" she knew deep down, wasn't even sure herself why she was playing dumb.  
Serena rolled back to look at Bernie and laughed sarcastically. "Defending him already!"  
"I'm not, I just-"  
"I SAW YOU, I SAW YOU AND HIM COSIED UP TOGETHER!"  
"No Serena, that, that wasn't what it looked like, we, Charlotte, she-"  
"Get out, GET OUT!" She shouted making Bernie jump, realised that no matter how much she wanted to explain, it was no use talking to Serena like this.

Bernie went to up to bed, lay in foetal position and cried, cried for the loss of Eleanor after nearly loosing Charlotte, cried for her failed marriage, for the mistakes she'd made with her children, the detrimental effects those mistakes had had on them in later life, cried for the ex husband she nearly lost, who saved her on more than one occasion, cried for her daughter who felt so unloved by her that she wanted to die and finally cried for Serena, who deserved much much better than her.


	30. Cheers to drowning sorrows

After seeing Marcus and Bernie cuddled up together asleep Serena left the hospital and headed straight for the bar to drown her sorrows.

"Don't you think you'd better slow down" Ric asked her as he climbed on the bar stool.  
She shot him a look and he knew better than to  push her.  
"I know you've been through alot recently, everything with Bernie but believe me Serena this isn't the way to deal with it." He told her softly.

"And what is the right way to deal with it" her voice was clipped, bitter.  
"Talk"  
"Talking won't change anything"  
"Neither will this"  
"It will make me feel better!" She said simply.

There was an akward silence while he orderd his own whiskey.  
"Same again" Serena told the barman after downing the last of her wine and handing the empty glass back. "And he's buying."   
"And what would Bernie say if she seen you knocking these back like theres no tomorrow?"  
"She'd be too busy with Marcus to notice"  
Ric frowned "You don't think?"  
"Seen them with my own eyes" she said chugging the next glass of shiraz.  
"What!"  
"Again" she hollered the bartender holding up her glass.  
The barman shooting Ric a questioning look and Ric nodding approval back, he knew she needed to let off steam, he would take care of her.  
"Serena are you sure about this?"  
She sighed sadly "can we please just talk about something else, please"  
He nodded and they changed the topic to work.   
An hour in and Serena was struggling to keep her balance on the barstool, her words were slured and all hand eye co ordination had vanished.  
"Oh I don't know Ric, how can I stand in the way of a family, the kids?"  
"The kids know just as well as you do that her and Marcus were never ment to be."  
"I'm telling you Serena you've got this wrong she'd never hurt you like that, the woman was in labour and still watching over you!"  
"Oh thanks for chucking that one in my face!"  
"No, no! I'm not trying to throw anything in your face, she loves you, everyone can see that, go talk to her."  
"And what if your wrong?" She slurred pointing at him.  
"Then theres always me?" He winked.  
"Ha!" She fell off her stool and he clumsily helped her sit on a chair near the bar, holding her shoulders to keep her up right.  
"What! we could have a nice life" he teased.  
"Annnddd a nicer divorce, you've had plenty practice" she was totally drunk.  
"Oh now who's throwing things in peoples faces!"  
"Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry" she held his cheeks over affectionately.  
"Ahh why didn't I just join a convent!" She shouted, resting her head on the table.  
"Because, you wouldn't last two minutes!" He laughed.  
"Look tensions are high your both under stress just let things settle down"  
"I'll drink to that" Serena sat up and shouted at the barman to bring her another bottle.  
"Cheers!"


	31. Can't cope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning for panic attack***

Hours and hours had past and Bernie remained still in the same position, knees up to her chest hugging them tightly as she poured out every last tear, every last ounce of emotion until she felt empty inside. Her mouth felt dry, her eyes red raw and she clutched at her head as her migrane had reached it's excruciating peak.  
The sun had came up hours ago, she had no idea what time it was and hadn't heard any movement of Serena downstairs.  
Deciding that she could no longer cope with the pain in her head, she got up unbalanced, her body lathargic after days of running on empty. Her eyes were half closed and her vision blurred as she tiptoed downstairs in search for pain killers.  
She peaked through the door to check on Serena and found her starfished on the sofa, snoring softly.

 

It was after mid day when Serena eventually woke, she stumbled into the kitchen looking a tad worse for wear, Serena had always suffered brutal hangovers.  
She took small sips from a glass of water and two paracetamol from the drawer, frowned as the drawer slammed shut finding her ears were too fragile for loud noises. 

She turned and jumped to see Bernie sitting at the kitchen table, only just noticing that the other woman was also in the room.  
Serena was unsure if she was asleep or crying as she watched Bernie with her arms folded on the table in front of her with her head rested on them.  
No sooner had she thought it, Bernie sat upright.

She looked pale but her eyes were bloodshot red and black circles were clearly visible under her eyes.

"Serena" Bernie wanted to clear the air.

"Don't, I don't need another one of your lectures." Serena grabbed another bottle from the rack, she just wanted to be left alone to drown her sorrows, she headed towards the kitchen door with a plan to skip the break up conversation and get on with the break up dispair. After all Bernie was going back to Marcus now, they both knew it.

"Your going to drink yourself in to an early grave" Bernie shouted after her.  
She stopped in her tracks, turned on her heel. "Maybe thats what I'm trying to do"  
Bernie shook her head, fresh tears she didn't think were possible building behind her eyes "You don't mean that"  
"Don't I? Go back to your family Bernie" Serena said bitterly  
Bernie protested instantly, arms waving in the air to make her point clear "You are my family!"  
Serena shook her head sadly. "It was fun while it lasted, now if you excuse me" she continued to walk away.  
Bernie stood from her chair in temper, "What so thats just it" Bernie shouted in frustration.  
"What do you want from me Bernie, we're done. Over. Ended! You have a chance to be a family again, a perfect family, a marriage and three beautiful children, why are you still here, who wouldn't want that."

Bernie felt like she'd been punched in the gut, suddenly winded, all the air knocked out of her abruptly, had she been stabbed in the heart? she slowly dropped to the floor. Her walls came crashing down, as emotion grew, she couldn't cope with this, it was all too much, the fire, Charlotte, now loosing Serena, it was all just too much.  
Her body had been all out of energy days ago due to the lack of food and sleep, now the stress became all to much and her legs buckled beneath her as the millionth tear ran from her eyes.

Her chest felt tight and she struggled to get any air in, her eyes wide in sheer terror as she lost all control of her own body.

She gripped tightly to the door frame desperately trying to breath, legs curled beneath her as her body melted without permission to the floor. She sobbed hysterically like a petty child.  
Serena stood and watched in shock, unsure of what to do. She recognised instantly that it was a panic attack, had guided Bernie through many of these in the past, seen countless patients suffer them, but not like this, never like this.  
Bernie sobbed loudly as she fought desperately for oxygen, each breath quick paced and high pitched.  
Serena was frozen on the spot watching her like some kind of horror movie that terrified her but still couldn't tear her eyes away.

Suddenly Bernie began to wretch and Serena quickly snapped out of herself and rushed over to help, grabbing a bucket from under the sick and placed it with Bernie as she rubbed comforting circles on her back, watching her as she dry heaved between whimpers into the bucket, nothing able to come up which only seemed to cause her to gag more.

"Breath, breath, your okay."  
"I-I-cant- I-can't-bre-bre-brea" Bernie sobbed before her body failed her and her head dropped down to rest on Serena's knee. Gripping tightly to Serenas shirt in panic and sheer desperation.  
Bernie curled up in a ball on the floor and all Serena could do was comfort her and ride it out, hoped that it would pass quickly. These panic attacks Bernie had, had always terrified Serena, she always became upset as she watched feeling utterly helpless.  
"You're alright" she soothed, as Bernie lay, eyes wide the size of saucepans in sheer fear, her hyperventilation was high pitched as if choking and her body shook violently. Her hands were clenched into fists as she clung on to Serena petrified.

All Serena could do was wait, she ran her fingers through her hair,  played with her curls and massaged her scalp, swiping away at her own tears as she sat feeling powerless.

They weren't sure how much time had passed before Bernie's breaths began to calm, the sound of choking that Serena thinks will haunt her until the day she dies beginning to ease.  
"You okay?" She whispers down to Bernie who still has her head rested in Serenas lap.  
She notices Bernie's eyes are droopy and Serena hopes she can move her to a more comfortable position and let her sleep it off.  
Bernie nodded weakly, as she lay heavy and still, her eyes remained fixed to something in the distance. She waited until she was finally able to take a deep breath before moving her fingers. She swallowed down the lump in her throat, let out a small whimper as she tried to move her arm to push to sit up, found she had no energy to and that her limbs felt like jelly. She clentched her eyes shut, gritted her teeth together as she tried to push down another flow of tears. She blew out a slow breath to compose herself, became aware of how much her body was shaking and could feel her cheek stuck to Serena's trousers by the wet patch of tears.  
"Sorry" she mumbled, through her whimpering tears.  
"Don't be" Serena reached down to kiss her head, ran her fingers through the curls slowly, letting each one wrap around her finger. She noticed how badly Bernie was trembling.  
"Maybe we should get you to bed, sleep it off" Serena whispered.  
But Bernie remained rooted in feotal position and let out a sound to what Serena could only describe was like a wounded animal.  
"I can't" she sobbed "I can't M-m-move" she cried  
"It's okay, it's okay I've got you" Serena looked up to the lights, blinked repeatedly and willed her own tears not to drop, wanted so much to be a strong, calming support.  
"I ca- can't m-ove" Bernie cried.  
"Ssshhh it's okay" Serena held her tighter, her own floodgates opening.  
Bernie's hands gripped Serena's shirt some more  
"H-Help me, S'rena H-Help M-me!" She sobbed.  
"Ssshhh I've got you, it's okay" Serena scanned around for her phone considering calling for help. Realised she couldn't and wouldn't let go and would have to try and calm her down herself.  
"Okay, okay, hold tight to me" Serena pulled on Bernies arms and wrapped them around her neck, pulling Bernie up to a weak sitting position. Bernies full body leaning limp and heavy against her.  
She ran her hands along the length of Bernies arms, feeling them shake violently beneath her hands.  
"I'm gonna be sick" Bernie mumbled.  
"Alright, alright" Serena grabbed the bucked again, tucking her hair back from Bernie's face as she wretched.

Bernie lay against Serena, her eyes closed.  
"Your shivering, lets get you warmed up" Serena whispered.  
"Don't leave me" she whispered back  
"I'm not going to leave you"  
"'I'm scared" she whimpered  
Serena wrapped her arms around her, held her tight, breathing her in  
"I know, but I've got you."


	32. Everythings such a mess

Serena held her tight, closed her eyes to stop her own tears from falling, her fear from showing. She would be the strong one now, be Bernie's rock like Bernie was to her when Eleanor died.   
She let out a long sigh and prayed for them to be over the worst.

She was starting to become uncomfortable sitting on the kitchen floor, they'd been there hours, or at least that's what it felt like.  
They hadn't moved the entire time, Serena clinging on tightly to Bernies waist as her head rested heavily on her shoulder, the rest of her body a dead weight and her legs sprawled out along the cold tiled floor.

Serena whispered into the shell of her ear,  
"Do you think you'd be okay for me to help you up?"

Bernie opened her eyes, gave a small nod against Serenas neck and without pulling apart Serena stood lifting Bernie by the waist and placing her down gently on the kitchen chair.  
"I'll get you some water" Serena said softly, kissing her forehead before moving away.  
Bernie grabbed Serena's hand before she had a chance to get too far and shook her head, her whole body still trembling as she sat on the seat.

'I just wanna go to sleep" she said in a small baby voice.

Serena gave a small smile "Okay" she took Bernie's other hand, pulled her up to stand, she seemed a little steadier now.   
She noticed immediately Bernie was avoiding eye contact, knew her well enough to know she'd feel embarrased.

She wrapped her arms around her shoulders tightly, letting Bernies weight fall against her, took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, I'm rubbish at this" Serena whispered to her, she always wished she were better at dealing with Bernie's attacks, or at least be able to do something to help.  
She felt Bernie hold on tighter, could feel her ribs moving against her own body, knew she was trying to keep her breathing under control, she felt the tickle of wet lashes against her neck.

"I'm so tired" Bernie whispered.

Serena was worried she'd have to try and carry her up the stairs she was that bone weary against her.  
"Come on, you'll feel better after some sleep"

"Will you come up with me?" Her voice was small and vulnerable,  
"Of course, come on."

She lay down on the bed and Serena pulled the duvet up to her chin.

Serena sat kneeled on the floor at her bedside her, one hand holding on to Bernie's the other stroking her hair.

She lay frozen still, the only movement was of her lashes blinking as Serena toyed with her curls and stroked her face.

"Tired" Bernie whispered out to the distance.  
"Get some sleep, I'll be right here"

Serena noticed again how badly Bernie was shaking, could see the duvet tremble, considered calling for Ric to prescribe her something to calm her down. 

"Why can't I sleep?" She whispered.

And Serena's heart broke. She took a minute for herself before answering.

"We just need to get you a bit more relaxed, how about a bath or a massage or both?"  
Serena ran her hand up and down over the devet to ease her shakes.

"M' too tired to move" she said, barely audable, blinking slowly.

Serena had to do something.

"Okay, leave it to me." 

She walked into the bathroom and began running the bath, she lit some candles and played some relaxing music on a low volume on her phone, tried to replicate a spa she had visited a few years back where she'd never felt so chilled.

She lifted the blanket and Bernie opened her eyes, Serena couldn't help notice how Ill and frail she looked.

She lifted her legs down to the floor and helped her sit, smiled as Bernie pulled a face at being pulled out of bed.  
"Come on soilder"  
Bernie nearly fell while walking to the bathroom, loosing her balance she tripped to the side and Serena couldn't help but smirk at a memory of drunk Bernie. She wonderd if this is what Bernie has to deal with each time she's had one to many in pulses.

She walked her into the bathroom and undressed her like she used to Eleanor. She helped her into the tub, found herself saying "big step" as she got in and felt patronising.

She watching as Bernie's shaking body caused the water to ripple, felt a little happier at seeing Bernie take a deep breath and sink a little lower into the water.

"Better?" Serena asked softly.  
Bernie nodded although Serena could still see she was visibly tense.

"What now?" Bernie whispered, her eyes were closed and her head tilted back against the tub.

"Now, we get you more comfortable, and get some sleep." Serena comforted.

Bernie lolled her head to the side to look at her, took a minute to watch Serena's face intently making Serena feel uncomfortable.

An akward silence passed until Bernie eventually spoke.

"I never, I mean, I would never" she spoke slowly, licked her lips nervously realising just how dehydrated she was.

She shrugged "Marcus, we just-talked!"   
Serena looked to the floor and Bernie removed her gaze to look up at the lights.  
She shrugged again "Things we should have said when we were married. . ."  
She sank further into the water and closed her eyes.  
"things we should have said after" Bernie took another deep breath, blowing it out slowly. "That was it, that was only ever it." A stray tear ran down her cheek as she looked back to Serena.

Serena began to pick at her cuticles, tried her hardest not to cry, there had been too many tears already today.  
"I'm sorry, I seen you two cuddled up and I-I" she cleared her throat, "I was jelous," she said simply   
"thought after everything you two had been through and the little man, I fgured you would fix things, be a perfect family again." She scoffed a huff realising now she'd said the words aloud exactly how ridiculous her behaviour had been.

Bernie shook her head, wiped at her eyes, looked at Serena "I love you" her voice broke as she tried to contain herself.  
Serena quickly swiped at her cheeks, "I love you too, I'm sorry"   
"Mee too"

The looked into each others eyes for only a moment to see pure love.

"Why don't I wash your hair?"

Serena massaged her scalp, tried to work out every bit of tension. She took some body wash and rubbed her skin in soothing strokes, tried her best to get Bernie's body to relax.

"You feeling any better?" She asked her once she was done.  
"Just feel sick and tired." Bernie muttered.

"I can make you something, bet you can't even remember the last time you ate."

Silence from Bernie confirmed it, she was too tired to talk, to tired to move.  
Another deep breath seemed to release some more tension and Serena helped her out, dried her and sat her on the edge of the bed as she towel tried her hair.

"You smell good"  
Serena smiled as she pressed a kiss to Bernies shoulder, pleased to see she had finally stopped shaking. "Climb into bed, I'll give you a massage." Serena stood happy her efforts were successful.

Bernie didn't move "Can I just have a cuddle?"  
Serena's smile broadened "I think I can manage that."

They both climbed into bed and Bernie cuddled into Serena, closing her eyes.

"Hows your hangover?" She whispered.  
"Hm I'm okay, just can't take it like I used to, I just needed to let off some steam."  
"I'm sorry"  
"It's not you darling, its just everything, loosing Eleanor, nearly loosing you, I don't know what I would have done if-" she cut herself off, wouldnt let her mind go down that road.

"I, um Charlotte" she cleared her throat, "we, um. . .   
We had to talk her down from the roof."  
"What" Serena pulled back to look at Bernie.  
"She um" she inhaled deeply finding the conversation hard to talk about. "She thought I didn't love her, that she was-"  
She licked her lips, clentched her eyes closed and bit the inside of her cheek. No more tears she thought to herself.

"That she was unloveable"  
"Oh bernie, I'm so sorry"  
"I don't wanna cry" Bernie's breath hitched as she was overwhelmed with emotion. "Everything feels like such a mess."


	33. Knock on Effect=Knock them back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suffering a serious case of writers block, I've got an idea of where I want the story to go eventually but any suggestions to fill the gap are welcome!

It didn't take long for Bernie to fall asleep, her body finally getting the rest and recuperation it needed. 

Serena lay, holding onto her as if her arms were holding the peices of Bernie together, she worried if she let go Bernie would break and fall apart.   
_What a day_   Serena thought to herself, she felt tense and stressed. She never wanted to witness Bernie have another attack like that again. She looked at Bernie, brushed the hair off her face and kissed her forhead. "I love you so much" she whispered before carefully removing herself from Bernie's grip and tip toeing out of the room. 

She needed a drink and coffee wasn't going to cut it. 

She took a glass from the cupboard, reached for the bottle of shiraz and noticed the bottle of whiskey beside it. She let her hand hover for a second before taking the whiskey and filling up her wine glass with a very generous amount. She turned behind her to check she was still alone before chugging it back, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, after the day she'd had she needed it.  
She refilled the glass with shiraz making a mental note to get some more, she just needed something to take the edge off, something to help her relax. The least she deserved was a drink. She took a few gulps, it wasn't enough, she still felt stressed. She spied Bernie's coat hanging on the back of the kitchen chair, eyed it suspiciously before looking around the room again to make sure no one was watching. She walked over and checked the pockets, found exactly what she was looking for, she took the cigarettes out and lit one quickly, placing the lighter and box back inside the pocket hoping Bernie wouldn't notice. She stepped outside and took a drag, relished the feel of the nicotine hitting her lungs. Took another sip of wine, and took a deep breath. 

Before she knew it, the shiraz bottle was empty and she curled up on the sofa feeling lighter. She was back to work in the morning, back to reality, the little man would be returning from Morvens too, she and Cam had been dating and after the fire she was a strong support to both Cam and Serena. She thought about Bernies attack, thanked her lucky stars the little man or Cam weren't there to witness it. She needed to be the glue that held the family together now, she needed to be strong for everyone else. 

Just one last drink she thought to herself heading into the kitchen and pouring another whiskey before hiding the bottles. She knew she was more than tipsy, merry some may say, without the positivity! She'd brush her teeth and use plenty mouthwash before bed, Bernie didn't need to know, she'd only over react. 

 

When Serena woke the next morning it was to an empty bed. She knew Bernie would have fled in embarrasment but knew her well enough to know where she would be, with Charlotte or the little man.

She headed into work, leaving her bag and coat in the office before going to Charlottes' room.   
Bernie was sat on the chair beside her, the little man on her knee. Morven had brought him in so she could see Cam.  
"Can I come in?" Serena asked quietly. Bernie looked back to see Serena in the doorway. "Mama" the little man shouted with excitment before wriggling on Bernie's knee for her to place him down on the floor, he toddled clumsily over to Serena with both arms in the air ready to be picked up. "Hello Darling, have you missed me?" She squeezed him tight "I've missed you" she told him before pulling back and tapping her finger affectionately on his nose.   
She turned her attention to Bernie who was watching the two of them with glassy eyes. "And I missed you this morning" Serena whispered, Charlotte still sleepy due to her medication.  
Bernie gave a small smile as she watched the little man squeeze Serenas' cheeks for her attention, she gave him a kiss and he giggled. 

"They um, they want to send her to a rehabilitation centre, they think she would benefit from-"  
"What do you want" Serena stopped her, she could see the pure anguish in Bernies' eyes at seeing her daughter in this state and Serenas heart broke, because although Charlotte would be okay in the end, there was no other person who would understand Bernies worry and heartache like Serena does. She's been there, watching her own daughter lie broken before her eyes and feeling utterly helpless to protect and prevent hurt, no one deserves to go through that especially not the beautiful, brave, strong amazing wiman she was lucky enough to call her partner.

Serena watched on as Bernie held Charlottes hand again.  
"I just want my baby girl back, my happy, confident, beautiful, clever girl, all this, this medication, this isn't her, this isn't my Charlotte Serena."

"But she's here, and she has you, and you'll get her through this."

Bernie nodded and swiped at her cheeks, let out a small chuckle at watching the little man squeeze Serenas' cheeks to make her pout.

"Why don't I take him to our office, give you two some time together, I expect she'll be waking soon."

Bernie nodded and thanked Serena as she carried the little man out on her hip.

Serena wanted to support Bernie, she really did, but she couldn't help being a little jealous, couldn't help wanting to tell Bernie to stop complaining because Charlotte was still here Eleanor was gone. 

Serena returned to her office took a glug from her coffee cup, huffed and took a small hipflask of whisky from her handbag and with a quick look out onto the ward, she poured a tipple into her coffee cup, being quick to stash the flask back in her bag.

She took another gulp, looked over to the little man who was crawling round the floor.  
"Don't look at me like that, it's just, oh this is so hard darling." She shook her head, took a quick drink.  
"Oh come on" she said before picking him up and taking him out on to the ward.

 

And thats how it began, the weeks progressed and the secrecy grew, a sly tipple in each coffee cup, a lone trip to a run down bar after work, a pack of her own cigarettes hidden in her coat pocket paired with packets of mints to cover her tracks. Drink became her knew best friend, reliable, comforting, a way to numb the grief.

Serena arrived home late for the fourth time this week, insisting that she had been stuck in theatre, Bernie had decided to take some time off to recover fully from her injuries and she and Serena had spent the last two weeks like ships passing in the night.   
But tonight was different, Bernie had cooked and had planned a family dinner for Serena and the little man. It had been weeks since they had spent any quality time together and it was well overdue.

Serena walked into the kitchen to see the table set a small candle in the middle and the little man in his highchair already nibbling on a carrot stick.

"I um, I wanted to say thank you" Bernie said shyly.  
"What for?" Serena asked puzzled.  
Bernie put her head down, shrugged her shoulders, she never was good with words. "Just, everything recently" she shrugged.  
Serena instantly felt guilty, Bernie had gone to so much effort and while Serena had been knocking back the whiskey in the pub."  
Bernie handed Serena a glass of Shiraz and Serena relaxed feeling like she had her fuel to get through the next few hours.

The sat and the table together, the little man chomping on a yorkshire pudding whilst Bernie and Serena ate in silence unsure of what to say to each other.

After a short period of time Serena spoke up,  
"Correct me if I'm wrong but this was your idea right?"

"Oh I'm sorry, I just - sorry - your right, tell me about your day."  
"Your alowed to talk about them you know, Charlotte and Cam, I'm not going to weep in the corner and start a vigil."  
"I'm sorry"  
There's an awkard silence whilst Bernie helps the little man with his spoon, Serena refils Bernies glass  
"Spill" she raises her brow and looks at Bernie.  
"Oh I just worry, about everything, about Charlotte, about the effect this stress is having on Cam, about how the little mans been so neglected in all of this, about you!"  
"Me?"  
"I know you've been stealing my cigarettes!"  
"I stole one! What do you do keep a tracker on them?"  
"What can I say I pay attention to detail, comes in handy in the army"  
"Oh didn't pay much attention to the IED, sorry, low blow, no pun intended! Anyway it was the night after, well, you know. And I'm fine, Cams fine, the little man's fine!"  
"He's been so neglected in all of this"  
"Dont"  
"What"  
"Blame yourself, you have 3 kids, you can't split yourself in 3 all of the time, he's fine, your fine, Charlottes going to be fine! Cut yourself some slack."  
"I just dont want to make the same mistakes, I don't want him to think I don't love him, that-"  
"And he won't" She was running out of patience, at least Bernies children were still here!  
Serena refilled her glass.


	34. Off the rails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the inspiration guys, I've got my mojo back and I'm working on new chapters, hope yoyr enjoy!

They put the little man to bed,

Bernie settled down first on the sofa after Serena insisted on getting another bottle from the kitchen.

Serena walked back unbalanced, hitting every doorframe on the way into the lounge, two glasses and a bottle of shiraz in hand, she tripped over and landed on Bernie with a thud.  
"Ow, Campbell!! How are you so drunk!!" Bernie pushed Serena off her.  
"Oops sorry" she giggled, rolling onto the opposite end of the sofa, she shoved the wine glasses in Bernies hands, Bernie holding them both mid air as Serena poured.  
"Woah, easy Campbell, I'll be carrying you up to bed the rate your going!"  
"Is that a promise Major!" Serena raised an eyebrow flirtatously.  
"You're drunk!" Bernie giggled.  
"And you're beautiful" Serena smiled.  
Bernie rolled her eyes and took a sip of her wine,  
"Your definately drunk, think you have your beer goggles on!"  
Serena rested her head back on the sofa, closing her eyes and beginning to relax.  
"No goggles, I see you" she said softly looking like she was about to fall asleep.  
Bernie snorted a laugh before watching her, her eyes narrowed suspiciously.  
"How are you so drunk? You've had the same as me."  
Serena shrugged her shoulders  
"It's hot in here" Serena whispered, her eyes still closed.  
"Come on princess, the fresh air will do you good." Bernie said as she placed her glass down to stand in front of Serena, pulling her up by her hands and taking her weight as she wobbled against her.  
"You know whats funny" Serena started to laugh hysterically. "You, playing big matcho army medic" she ran her hand down Bernies cheek as she laughed, forcing Bernie to keep her up right as she walked her to the back garden.  
"Hilarious!" Bernie muttered, "this way" Bernie stopped her from bumping into the dining table.  
"You know what else is funny" Serena gripped to Bernie as she walked outside  
"Tell me Campbell" Bernie amused.  
Serena moved out of Bernie's grip and twirled  
"I love you this-  
"Woah" Bernie caught Serena as she lost her balance and stood her against the wall.  
"This, this much" Serena held out both arms wide and Bernie giggled.  
"Only that much" Bernie gave a sad pout, placed her hands on Serena's hips to steady her, "Because I love you to the moon and back" she whispered in Serena's ear seductively before looking up to the stars.  
Serena managed to centre herself and presses a long, tender kiss to Bernies lips.  
"I love you" Serena had tears in her eyes.  
Bernie nodded, kissed her back "and I love you"  
"No but I really do"  
Bernie laughed "come and sit down."  
Bernie walked her over to the bench at the back of the garden.  
Serena giggled  
"Whats so funny!" Bernie said high pitched,  
"Big matcho army medic haha haha"  
"What's so funny about that!"  
Serena giggled, "your just"  
"What"  
"The softest person I know"  
"Hey" Bernie swatted Serenas arm in mock offence.  
"All you do is cry"  
"Alright now Campbell" Bernie was hurt by that one, because it was true, she'd cried far to many tears recently, something she always used to hide from Marcus, it was only when she met Serena that she felt she had a safe space to let out her emotions without anyone judging her or making her feel weak, until now.  
Bernie hung her head low, embarrased and ashamed.  
Serena's giggles subsided as she realised she'd upset Bernie.  
"You don't like me like this do you?"  
"Not true" Bernie muttered  
"I've got a secret!"  
Bernie raised her brow and smiled, she did like drunk Serena, she liked watching her have fun and let off steam.  
"Let me guess, you were in the RAMC an you are in fact a big matcho army medic"  
"Nope"  
"Your pregnant"  
Serenas eyes widened and for a split second Bernie feared she'd upset her.  
"Nope"  
"You don't like my cooking"  
"Yes, but no"  
Bernie raised her brows again.  
"I've never liked your cooking, no one does, thats no secret"  
"Oh thanks!"  
Serena giggled again  
"Come on then whats your secret"  
"I'm a drunk"  
"Not really a secret"  
They both giggled, Serena bumped Bernies shoulder and leaned in to speak in Bernies ear.  
"I'm a drunk" she whispered "I've been stealing your whiskey" Serena set off in a fit of laughter  
Bernie looked at her puzzled"  
"And you havn't even noticed" Serena laughed as she stood up and walked accross the grass clumsily towards the back door.  
Bernie froze on the bench as she watched Serena walk away from her.  
"Serena" she said calmly.  
"Come on, It's freeezing" Serena whined.  
"Serena"  
Serena walked into the kitchen and began pulling out another bottle as Bernie remained rooted in shock on the bench.  
How could she have missed this?  
Bernie stood quickly and raced into the kitchen spinning Serena around and cupping her cheeks she pushed her back harshly into the kitchen worktop.

 

"Tell me you haven't, tell me" Bernie shouted.  
"Ow, Bernie! Bernie get off me" Serena cried.  
Bernie wanted to shake some sense into her "Have you stopped your anti depressants?"  
Serena didn't answer, looked down away from Bernie's intense gaze, her bottom lip trembling.  
Bernie rested her forehead against Serenas as they both started to cry.  
"I can't let you do this Serena, no, NO I WON'T let you do this."  
"Bernie your scaring me" Serena cried.  
"Good, good! If thats what it takes, if thats what I have to do to make you stop, to make you see, I won't stand back and let you self destruct Serena!"  
Serena started to sob and Bernie let go feeling guilty, pulled her in to a hug.  
"You've already lost Eleanor, I nearly lost Charlotte, I won't loose you too"  
"It helps' Serena cried.  
Bernie's heart broke, she clentched her eyes shut and squeezed her tight.  
"I know, I know" Bernie whispered.  
They held on to each other sobbing, Bernie pulled back, pushed Serenas hair from her face and wiped the tears off her cheeks with her thumb, holding onto Serena's face.  
"Promise me, promise me! The next time you need it, the next time you need to feel better, to numb the pain, promise me, you'll come to me, you come to me and I'll help-  
Serena shook her head "you can't"  
"I can, I will, I-" Bernie pleaded.  
"I need it"  
Bernie shook her head in disbelief  
"You can't work, you'll loose your job, is that what you want, your putting patients at risk!"  
"I'm carefull I-"  
"Your an alcoholic Serena!"  
"How would you know, you know nothing, you don't know me, what I need, your always with Charlotte now"  
"She's my daughter!!"  
"AND WHERES MINE! HMM? ALL THIS TIME, I'VE SUPPORTED YOU, THROUGH EVERYTHING, THROUGH YOUR DIVORCE, KIEV, THE PREGNANCY, THE BIRTH, LOOKED AFTER ALL THREE OF YOUR KIDS, TOOK CARE OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID PANIC ATTACKS AND FOR WHAT, YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING, THIS ONE THING THAT HELPS AND MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!" 

Bernie stood back speechless, tears falling from her eyes, her mouth opening and closing as she failed to find the words.

"I wont let you go off the rails" Bernies voice broke with emotion.  
Serena huffed out a laugh  
"You've never been on the rails to begin with" she said sadly.

"Please Serena im begging you"  
Serena shook her head before whispering, "Just leave me alone"


	35. Lets get out of here

Serena leaned against the doorframe of the living room as she gazed at Bernie. She was lay on the sofa, all curled up in foetal position, a thin blanket unable to cover her long limbs fully.

 "Hi" Serena whispered once she knew Bernie was awake.  
Bernie looked up, brushed her fringe back with the fingers before moving to sit.  
"Morning" she mumbled nervously.

"Are you okay?" Serena asked, she could tell from Bernies eyes she'd been crying.

"Yup, yeah" Bernie tried weakly with a single nod.

"Do you mind if I?" Serena guestured to the sofa.

Bernie moved along hugging her knees, making room for Serena to sit.

"Oh please don't look at me like that I couldn't stand it if you were angry with me" Serena sat heavily on the sofa being sure to leave space in between them.

"I-I'm not angry with you!"  
"Well dissapointed then"  
"I-I'm not" Bernie stuttered  
"Well what then?"  
Bernie sighed, rested her head on her knees  
"I'm just so tired"  
"I know" Serena reached out and rubbed Bernies' leg affectionately before resting back into the sofa.  
"I'm sorry" Serena whispered, her eyes closed.  
"I know" Bernie whispered before relaxing back herself, resting her head on Serenas' shoulder.  
"I wish we could just get out of here, just you, me and the little man, far far away." Bernie closed her eyes sleepily.  
Serena opened her eyes "Why don't we?" She asked after a moments pause.  
"Hmm?" Bernie opened her eyes to tilt her head up.  
"Why don't we get out of here? After everything we've been through we deserve a break and we have plenty annual leave to take so why don't we. You me and the little man, anywhere you like."  
Bernies eyes looked downcast as she asked,  
"But what about Charlotte?"  
"It's a week Bernie, two at most, I'm sure Marcus can manage."  
Bernie smiled "Okay" she said softly.  
"Okay?" Serenas voice was questioning.  
"Okay" Bernie nodded.


	36. I've been thinking about the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apoligies for the long wait, I've had a lot going on recently and found writing fluff just too upsetting.  
> Probably not my best work but it's good to get back into writing again.  
> Hope you enjoy.

Another shudder of the plane caused Serena to grip even tighter onto Bernies hand, although Bernie didn't think a tighter grip was possible as she tried to wriggle her fingers between Serenas locked fingers.

The flight had been turbulant and the lack of alcohol (Serena was going cold turkey) hadn't helped Serenas stress levels.

"I don't know how you can be so calm!" Serena snapped as Bernie tried to stroke Serenas hand with her thumb and smiled softly.  
"When you've travelled as much as I have you just get used to it I suppose" Bernie shrugged.

"Yes, well. You just keep tight a hold of him" Serena knodded towards the little man lying asleep in Bernies arms.

Bernie smiled again, Serena had always been the overprotective one of the two, each knee graze needing a once over with a sterile wipe or each bump to the head was accompanied with a head scan. Bernie knew it was an after effect of Elinors death.

"Not long now" Bernie soothed giving a kiss to Serena's trembling hand and another to the little mans head.

 

Serena was stood on the balcony leaning on the railing as she took in the glow of the sunset. It was beautiful out here, the south of France had always been one of Serena's favourite places.

Bernie crept out behind her, she could see Serena was in deep thought, she gazed at her for a minute before taking in the surrounding view, it really was beautiful out here.  
"You okay out here?" Bernie asked softly, pulling Serena from her thoughts.   
Serena turned round, pulled Bernie closer to her and wrapped her arms around her waist.  
"I am now" Serena purred leaning in to kiss the blonde.  
"Little man asleep?" Serena asked as they pulled apart.  
"Yeah, he um, he wanted you, I told him you'll put him to bed tomorrow night"   
Serena beamed knowing full well why he wanted her to put him to bed, Bernie always did different voices for each bedtime story but Serena would always read as many as he wanted, sometimes 3 before he would eventually start to settle down.

She had been different with Elinor, she loved her more than anything of course but as a first time parent she became focused on routine and milestones rather than just enjoying the moment. She wanted to make the most of every second with the little man, lifes too short had became her new motto.

"You over spoil him" Bernie raised her brows.  
"I know, and I plan on over spoiling you too" Serena smiled causing Bernie to blush.

"Room Service?" Serena questioned as she stepped inside and picked up the telephone.

They sat out on the balcony enjoying the most delicious french food and wine by candlelight. Bernie didn't think she'd experienced a night as romantic as that, it would be a beautiful place to propose she thought to herself.

She was sudden snapped out of her trance as Serena spoke.

"There's um, well there's something I wanted to talk to you about actually."

Bernie looked up to see Serena toying with her pendant.


	37. What the heart wants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a risk with this chapter but decided the magic of fiction means I can get a tad unrealistic for the benefit of a happy ever after, and we all love a happy ever after. 
> 
> Please bare with me with the storyline, I've got the next 4 chapters planned out but this part of the story will probably be more slowburn.

"I um, well I, I've been thinking, about, well about us" Serena chanced a glance at Bernie, to see her listening intently, her beautiful, big brown eyes gazing through her fringe.  
Serena let go of her pendant and began using her hands expressively, suddenly struggling to find her words now she was on the spot.

"About what we want, for the future, and um well, you can say no of course, I'd well, I'd completely understand, and I, I just hope that-"  
"Serena spit it out." Bernie asked with a nervous chuckle.

"I think, well I, I know. . . 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want another child."

 

Bernie blinked, her brows raised in shock, there was a long pause as Bernies heart sank, the smile falling slowly from her face.  
 "Right"   
Bernie gave a curt nod dropping her gaze to the food on her plate.  
She couldn't help but feel foolish, for a split second she thought Serena was going to ask her to marry her, for a split second she had felt the happiest she had ever felt in her whole entire life. For a split second she felt complete.  
How could she have read it so wrong? 

Bernie could feel the sting on tears behind her eyes and quickly took a gulp from her glass. She cleared the throat before taking a deep breath feeling the pressure to say something, anything, but not having the words to voice them. She hadn't expected that. She opened and closed her mouth repeatedly as her brain caught up.

"Maybe this was a bad time to bring it up" Serena tried casually standing from the table taking the plates with her and heading inside from the balcony.  
Serena placed the plates down heavily on the side table and sighed. She rubbed the back of her neck and ran her fingers through her chestnut brow locks, spinning on her heel she looked out to see Bernie staring out into the distance on the balcony.

Could this be the end?


	38. I'm not strong enough to watch your heart break

Morning rolled around and Serena watched as Bernie wrapped the little man in a towel, laughing with him, pulling him close and kissing his little head.

She really was an amazing Mother.

The fact that she doubted that was her biggest flaw, her biggest vulnerbility. 

Bernie looked up to catch sight of Serena gazing at her. Her smile faultered and she tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear nervously.

"Hey" she said softly, placing the little man on the ground so he could toddle to Serena.  
"Morning" Serena smiled,  
There was an small pause as they took each other in lovingly.  
Serena was first to clear her throat.  
"How are my two favourite people this morning" she said, moving in to pick up the little man.  
Bernie looked up from her position on the end of the bed. 

She had no idea Serena had been wanting another child, she was an amazing mother to the little man, she hoped Serena knew that although Eleanor was gone, she was still an indredible mother to the little man.

"Earth to Mummy"  
Serena tilted her head, as she watched Bernie in deep thought.  
"Sorry, miles away" Bernie gave a small smile, reached up to stroke the little mans foot as he sat on Serenas' hip.  
"We were just saying a walk to the beach might be nice, and I'm sure a someone would love some ice cream" Serena tickled the little man.  
"I'm sure he would" Bernie giggled.  
Serena smirked, crouched down as she handed him back to Bernie and kissed her forehead, "we were talking about you! Ice cream monster."  
"Ha" Bernie honked.  
"Mummy does love ice cream" she beamed to the little man back in her arms.  
"I'll go and get my bag."  
Bernie watched her leave the room, at least there was no atmosphere between them, they had waited to long for this holiday to have it destroyed by drama or stress.  
"Right then you, shall we go to the beach?"  
She asked the little man as she unwrapped him from the towel and began to apply suncream.

 

They arrived at the most beautiful beach, the water turqoise as far as the eye could see.  
The three of them walked hand in hand along the shoreline, the little man in the middle, bare feet paddling through the shallow waves.

"Ready, steady, splash" they chimed as the little man jumped and swooshed his feet through the sand and water.

"Serena, about last night." Bernie said apprehensively as they swung arms casually.

"Lets talk later, once the little man is in bed, no arguing or getting upset, just talk."  
Bernie nodded in agreement.  
"And for the record, I'm sorry for springing it on you like that, I could have handled it better."  
Bernie couldn't bring herself to smile, just a look of anguish on her face. 

 

After a fun filled day at the beach, building sandcastles and licking icecreams, they arrived back at their private villa.  
"It's a beautiful night" Serena crept up behind Bernie by the pool having just put the little man to bed.  
"Yeah, don't think I want to go back" Bernie said quietly, looking subdued.  
"Charlotte?" Serena questioned  
Bernie shrugged, kicking her feet slowly in the water as she sat on the edge of the pool. "Everything."  
Serena pressed a kiss to Bernies bare shoulder and untwisted the strap of the back of Bernies strapless bikini top which Serena noticed she only ever wore at the villa, knowing it was because she was too embarrased of her scars.  
"Did he go to sleep okay?" Bernie changed the subject.  
"Out like a light" Serena sat beside Bernie, dunking her own feet in the water and taking a hold of Bernies' hand, giving it a reasuring squeeze.  
"I'm sorry about last night, the last thing I want is to ruin our holiday."  
"I um, well" Bernie could feel her cheeks flushing "I thought you were going to ask-" Bernie looked down letting her hair fall over her face, too embarrased to finish the sentence "well it doesn't matter now. So," she took a deep breath "a baby?"  
Serena nodded.  
"Whats the big plan?" Bernie asked casually.  
"I don't know" Serena shrugged.  
"Adopt? IVF? Call Edward?"  
Serena rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Of course I'm not going to call Edward, I'm not trying to replace Eleanor, she's my daughter, and she's gone, and I miss her, every minute of every day. But I'm not trying to recreate her."  
Bernie paused thinking of her next question.  
"Why now" she whispered, slowly starting to open up.  
Serena shrugged, "I don't know" she answered honestly. "I can't help feeling this way, I've tried but, the heart wants, what it wants."

Serena gave a side glance to Bernie who was staring directly and their joined hands.  
She nudged her with her shoulder "talk to me" Serena encouraged, "I need you to tell me how you feel about this."  
Bernie took a deep breath and subcoinciously backed away.  
"No, no" Serena tuggled on Bernie hand before cupping her cheeks to see Bernies eyes full with tears. "What I said earlier still stands, no arguing and please, no tears" she quickly wiped Bernies teardrops away with her thumb before giving her a small smile and stroking her cheek.  
"This terrifys me" Bernie whispered almost silently.  
"I know, and you have every right to feel that way."  
"What if it doesn't happen, or, or it does happen and, and-"  
"Something bad happens?" Serena finished understandingly.  
"I don't think I'm strong enough to watch your heart break all over again." Bernie whispered honestly. A single tears rolled down her cheek.  
Serena nodded, "I have to try" she looked up to Bernie, tucked some of her golden hair behind her ear. "If this doesn't happen for me, for us, then we have other options, but if I don't do this Bernie, It will be my biggest regret, I've spent most of my life being a Mother and now I just feel, lost."  
"You are a Mum!" Bernie shouted passionately  
"It's not the same" Serena calmly replied.  
Bernie began to get upset "That little boy in there idolises you"  
Serena grabbed both of Bernies hands "And believe me my darling the feeling is entirely mutual, I love him as much as I love Eleanor, but I need this Bernie, I'm sorry I can't explain it better."  
Bernie sighed and began shaking her head, backing away.  
"I'm not sure I can handle this, it's too much spinning round my head, I need, I need some time, I- ." She began to stand from the side of the pool.  
Serena jumping up too just as quick.  
"No, no, take a deep breath, breathe, breathe"  
She held onto Bernies shoulders as she took slow, deep breaths. These panic attacks had been more frequent since the fire Serena had noticed, she made a mental note to make an appointment with Bernies GP once they we're home.  
Serena wrapped her arms around Bernies shoulders, "what ever happens, we'll be okay."


	39. Everyone Happy?

The first thing Bernie did when she returned home was visit Charlotte in the rehabilitation centre.

"Hello darling" she leaned in pressing a kiss to Charlottes cheek as she sat up in bed, Charlotte had suffered more smoke inhilation damage than Bernie and struggled walking around too much.  
"How are you" Bernie beamed "you look so much better."  
"I feel it" Charlotte smiled, happy to see her Mum, "how was the holiday?"  
Bernie sat in the chair at the side of Charlottes bed. The room was much more homely than a hospital room.   
"Beautiful, relaxing. I was thinking I could take you there when your feeling up to it if you like, will do you good to have something to look forward to. Sun, sea and sand, we could go just the two of us, have some girl time."   
"Girl time?" Charlotte smirked, "Mum we both know you'd rather be elbow deep in a mans blood while getting shots fired above your head than lying on a beach sipping cocktails."   
Bernie sighed, her eyes shining with love towards her daughter. "maybe I've changed" she shrugged.  
"And maybe your trying to buy my affection to ease your guilt" Charlottes brows raised cheekily.  
Bernie faultered, looking down at her hands knowing she'd been busted.  
"Has your Dad been much?" Bernie changed the subject.  
"Everyday" she rolled her eyes, "he's been coming to my councelling sessions with me too."  
Bernie gave a fake smile, anxiety hit as she wondered the types of things Charlotte said about her to the councellor.  
"I um, there was something I wanted to talk to you about actually."  
Bernie looked at Charlottes make up free face. Couldn't help but think how beautiful she is, she remembered telling her repeatedly the night she left for the army.   
She shook herself out of her thoughts

"Serena and I, we're going to have another baby." Bernie kept her voice light, searching the room for something for her eyes to focus on.  
"What! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" Charlottes voice was high pitched.  
"Charlotte!"  
"Oh don't give me that, have you even thought this through, I mean you were old last time when you had the little man and that was bad enough."  
"Right, okay, good, well it was nice to visit you Charlotte, I'll be back in the morning." Bernie stood to leave and headed in the direction of the door.  
Charlottes shoulders dropped "Oh Mum, Muuummmm, okay, okay, I'm sorry, it was a shock, but are you sure this is what you want." Charlotte asked as Bernies hand was on the door handle.  
Bernie spun on her heel, buried her hands in her coat pocket, her eyes on her shoes as she scuffed her toes against the floor.  
"I want her to be happy" She shrugged.  
Charlotte sighed, and gave a small eyeroll at her mothers ability to make stupid desicions."Like you wanted Dad to be happy when you had me and Cam?"  
Ouch Bernie thought to herself but she knew Charlotte was right.  
"Well, I just wanted you to be the first to know." She said casually, ready to end the conversation now.  
"You have to tell her Mum."  
"I won't make her choose between me and a baby Charlotte, she lost her only daughter."  
"And having another baby won't bring her back, You need to tell her Mum!"  
"How can I, It'll break her heart!"  
"She needs to see a councellor, you'll be doing her a favour."

Bernie spent the rest of the day with Charlotte, laughing and joking. Charlotte telling her all of Cams secrets and about a nurse who keeps flirting with Marcus when he comes to visit.  
Bernie told stories of when her and Marcus began dating and how her she accidentally have Marcus's mother food poisoning while trying to impress her with a sunday roast.  
Bernie hadn't felt so relaxed in months, years even. 

She reluctantly said goodbye to her daughter, kissing her on the cheek, her own cheeks aching from laughing so much. "Bye Darling, I love you!"   
"Love you too Mum, and talk to Serena."

Bernie couldn't shake the smile from her face the whole drive home, Charlotte was right, she needed to speak to Serena. But she had a feeling, that everything just might be okay.

Bernie opened the door to see the little man sprinting towards her. "Woah, hello darling" she beamed as she picked him up, his little legs wrapping around her hip. "Have you had a good day?" She kissed his temple and ruffled his thick black locks as she placed him down, allowing him to run back into the lounge and play with his blocks.

"Come in, shut the door" Serena grinned as she took Bernie by the hand and pulled her into the kitchen.

"Serena, I, can we talk" Bernie cut in.  
"Sit" Serena took her by the shoulders and placed her down on a chair at the kitchen table. "Okay so I called the clinic to make an appointment and well the consultant hapened to be an old friend of mine, anyway so he managed to squeeze me in today so I had the initial consultation and assesment and I just thought, you know, I mean, why wait, if this is what we want why don't we just, do it! So I went ahead with the insemination and now we just need to wait a few weeks and take the test."   
The smile dropped slowly from Bernies face.  
Serena continued her rambling excitedly.  
"I know, I know, it might not take but we can always try again right, right?   
"You did what" Bernie spoke slowly, shock hitting her like a train.  
"I'm sorry, I know, I know I should have waited for you but I didn't know how long you were going to be with Charlotte and he had a cancellation and well I- Bernie."  
Bernie stood up slowly, began making her way towards the door in a haze


	40. Alcohol cures Akward?

Bernie walked and walked in the cold, dark night before finally knocking at Cam's flat soaked to the bone.  
"Okay okay" cam's voice could be heard behind the door. He answered, quickly tying a towel around his middle, his chest bare but smudged with red lipstick.  
"Mum" He frowned when he seen the state of her, her eyes red and bloodshot and her hair drenched from the rain.  
"Oh" Bernie replied clearly horrified she had interrupted her son with a girl. "I'll go, I" Bernie quickly turned on her heel.  
"Muuuuum" he shouted begrudgingly, she turned to look back and he opened the door further.  
Bernie paused before stepping inside hesitantly.  
Cam closed the door behind them both as they stood akward in the passageway.  
"Does that mean we can pick up where we left off" a sultry voice came from the kitchen and Cam pulled a face as he blushed in embarrasment, rubbing his face wondering how he was going to deal with this situation.  
"Cam, oh, hi" A beautiful girl with long blonde wavy hair dressed only in pink lace body tiptoed out of the kitchen stopping dead once she seen Cam had company.  
Cam pursed his lips and raised his brows in akward amusment.  
"Molly, Mum, Mum, this is Molly." He said wondering what he had done in his past life to deserve this level of embarrasment.  
Bernie kept her eyes on a picture frame as she said Hello, feeling embarrased herself.  
"I um I better go and put some clothes on" Molly murmered before backing back towards the kitchen.

Bernie sat in the lounge on her own, listening to Cam say goodbye to Molly, chastising herself for not just taking the car or calling ahead when suddenly Cam jumped over the back of the sofa and landed on the cushions with a thud like he used to as a teens. He threw her a towel.  
"Want to talk about it"  
Bernie shook her head slowly.  
"Right. Drink?"  
Cam jumped up and returned from the kitchen with two bottles of larger.  
"Thanks" she mumbled "Interesting girl" she chanced a glance at her son.  
"Yeah" he blushed  
"Where did you to meet?"  
"Student bar"  
"Fellow medic?" Bernie pushed, questioningly  
"Not exactly" Cam spoke slowly.  
Bernie nodded, stripper or barmaid she thought to herself, she'd hoped for latter if she was honest, but he seemed happy.  
"So you and Serena?"  
"I thought I said I didn't want to talk about it" she kept her eyes on her bottle as she spoke slowly.  
"Okay" he accepted "You eaten?"  
Bernie shook her head  
"Right" he stood up walked into the kitchen, Bernie following behind to see the table set for two, a rose and a candle in the middle.  
"Spageti cabanara?" He asked.  
"Oh Cam" Bernie gushed, feeling her heart burst with pride for the way he was treating the girl. "I'm sorry, I'll go" she pulled out a wad of cash from her wallet, "here" she handed him the cash "call her back, tell her your on your way."  
"It's fine, look your here now, at least eat." He handed the cash back.

The ate in the lounge side by side on the sofa, chatting casually.  
"That was delicious, you must get your culinary skills from your father." Bernie smiled as she placed her bowl on the coffee table.  
Cameron smirked, "Serena actually, she made it, told me all I needed to do was reheat."   
Bernie rolled her eyes smirking, amused by his lengths to impress the girl. "You seem to be going to alot of effort for this girl, you like her?"  
"Yeah, I do" Cam smiled taking a drink of his beer.  
Bernie beamed at his coy expression, she was so proud of him.  
"So, you and Serena?" Cam changed the subject deciding he had suffered enough probing questions, now it was his Mums turn.  
"I thought I said I didn't want to talk about it" she said softly, averting her gaze to her bottle.  
"Hey, you've just ruined my date, the least you can do is tell me what for!"  
Bernie stilled uncomfortably, a pause as she gathered her words.  
"She wants a baby" she whispered, refusing to look at Cam.  
Cams brows raised in suprise.  
"I thought she'd gone off that idea"  
Bernie looked up in confusion "I don't follow"  
"When you we're in hospital, we were at your bedside, she said how she'd wanted to marry you and have another baby. That you's had found each other late but she still wanted a happy ever after, then she started drinking again, I just thought she'd gone off the idea.  
"I um, I didn't realise you two we're so close" Bernie sighed.  
Cam shrugged back "She's been there for me"  
"When I haven't" Bernie snapped although her voice quiet.  
Cam shook his head knowing his Mum was still struggling after the fire. "I didn't say that" he said kindly.  
Bernies eyes began to fill up. "No but, its right isn't it."   
Cam shrugged again, feeling uncomfortable seeimg his Mum become upset. "You've had Charlotte and the little man."  
"I'm sorry" she said softly "Have you, I mean are you?" she took a deep breath feeling the same inadequet mother feeling she used to get when Marcus's mother arrived. She took a deep breath before trying again. "After the fire, did you speak to anyone?"   
"Yeah, I um, Serena set up an appointment with one of her old friends."  
Bernie nodded.  
"So" Cam pushed "you don't want another child?" He questioned.  
"Its not, it's not that I don't want one."  
He sensed his Mum was struggling to open up, the anguished expression on her face and the tears in her eyes made him back down, although he hoped alcohol might help her confide in him.


	41. Testing times ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic Attack Warning.

Bernie spent the next few weeks at Cams flat, taking the little man with her. Cam doted on his younger brother and she found juggling working, parent life managable with Cams support.   
Her days were spent avoiding Serena and throwing herself into work, the nights trying to clear her head, unable to sleep. She even started running again, sometimes spending hours after she'd put the little man to bed pacing the streets trying to make sense of her feelings. The panic attacks had became more frequent too, and the stress of trying to keep them hidden from Cam only exasperated them further.  
She'd lock herself away in the bathroom, crying as she tried to get her breathing back to normal as silently as she could.  
She missed Serena so much, found it ironic that the person she needed most to comfort her right now was the person who'd also put her in that position of needing the comfort.

She'd came back from her run and heard voice's in the lounge as someone chatted with Cam.  
Out of breath from her run, she stopped dead in the passageway, as she heard it was Serena. Her heart pumped, stronger and faster and she could hear the beat in her ears. Her chest began to move up and down rapidly as she tried to compose herself.  
"Mum, Serena's here to see you." Cam called out from the lounge.  
She took off up the stairs two at a time, slamming the bathroom door shut and falling against it, sliding down to the floor.

The tension grew in her chest and she willed herself not to cry, she didn't want to see Serena, not yet, she hadn't made sense of her emotions yet, she didn't know what to say, how to feel, she needed more time to figure her head out, decide how to word her thoughts.  
She panicked trying to think quickly about what to say, what not to say, how she felt, was she angry, was she being selfish, she didn't know anymore, she didn't know anything anymore.  
   
"Don't cry, don't cry, DON'T CRY" she whispered the mantra to herself "for fucks sake" she buried her head in her hands, pushing her fringe back as her chin trembled.  
She tried to take a deep breath, found that she couldn't and it was staggered.  
She needed to get out, she needed to calm down, "breathe" she willed herself  
Her eyes widened in terror and she froze on the spot as she heard a knock on the door.  
"Bernie" Serena spoke softly.  
"Go a-way" Bernie cried through the closed door.  
"Please darling, I just want us to talk, I miss you so much, please open the door."  
Bernie shook her head "I don't want to talk." Her voice hitched.  
"Okay, but for the record, I am so sorry Bernie. I got over excited and I should have, I should have spoke to you, I was wrong, I'm sorry."  
Silence, other than Bernies sobs.  
"Bernie we can fix this, please its been weeks, just open the door and we can sort this out."   
"N n no"  
"Berenice wolfe you are my partner and I love you and we are going to sort this out so if you don't open the door this instance so help god me I will kick it down."  
Bernies breath hitched and serena could hear her struggle to control her breathing.  
"Bernie?"  
Cam heard Serenas voice raise and came to the doorway, frowning when he seen Serena stood talking through the door.  
"Mum?" He questioned.  
They both heard Bernie gasp at the sound of Cams voice.  
"G go away g go a w w aay"   
Serenas eyes widened towards Cam when they both heard Bernie hyperventalating through the door. "I need to get in there" she panicked as she pushed on the handle.  
Cam stood back from the door "Mum, we're coming in, stand back from the door."  
"no"  
"I'll count to three"  
"1, 2," Bernie hadn't moved, "3" she quickly shot accross the bathroom floor seconds before Cam kicked the door in.  
Both Serena and Cam looked in to find Bernie stood against the back of the bathroom wall, the back of her hand to her mouth and her legs  slowly giving way as she slid down the wall sobbing so hard.  
Serena ran in catching her round the waist before she hit the floor.  
"I wanna go home" she sobbed "I wanna go. H.home."  
"It's okay, sshh it's okay, I've got you"  
"Get.off.me, Get.off m-m-me" Bernie shouted as she wriggled, distressingly out of Serenas arms.  
Cam looked on devastated as he watched his Mum run past him and down the stairs out of the front door.

Serena went to chase after her before Cam stopped her. "Let her go, give her some space."  
Serena reached up to her necklace as her own eyes began to fill up.  
"This isn't the first time this has happened is it?" Cam questioned.  
Serena opened her mouth and closed it again unsure of how to answer. She knew Bernie wouldn't appreciate Cam finding out but they needed all the support they could get right now.  
Cam sighed, Serena's lack of response confirmed his suspicions.

Serena sat with Cam for a little while, reasuring him that his Mum would be ok before returning to their shared home.

She entered the house quietly, nervous as to what she might find, just hoped that Bernie was there and that she could at least hold her.   
She crept around the house before finding Bernie in the little mans bedroom, back against the wall, sitting in the floor, knees pulled up to her chest. A bottle of whiskey in one hand and the little mans teddy bear pulled to her chest in the other.  
Serena's heart broke at the sight as she took in how gaunt, frail and vulnerable she looked.  
"Bernie?" She barely whispered, not wanting to startle her. "Can I come in?"  
She took the lack of response as permission and tip-toed in, kneeling down beside her.  
"Oh Bernie" Serena cried. "Can I hug you?" She whispered.  
Bernie gritted her teeth before nodding letting Serena pull her sideways. Bernie rested in, closing her eyes at the contact.  
"I'm so sorry, Bernie, I'm so, so, so, so sorry." Serena breathed out tearfully.  
They sat holding onto one another, Serenas chin rested on Bernies crown unsure of how much time had passed. Serena thought Bernie had fell asleep in her arms before Bernie spoke, her mouth dry and her voice hoarse, high pitched and emotional.

"I love you, and you are going to be an amazing Mum. You already are. And I, I wish" she licked her dry lips. "I wish I could make, all your, dreams. come. t-t-true." She swallowed down the lump in her throat before continuing.  
"I wish I. Could bring Eleanor back. Give you another child. But I can't do it. I don't want to be selfish, be this messed up. But I, I just can't be the mother you would want me to be Serena" She whispered so quietly as though she was deeply ashamed. Not wanting anyone else in the world to know.   
She looked up at a broken Serena noticing how red and bloodshot her eyes were, feeling overwhelmed with guilt.  
Serena kissed her head repeatedly as she took a moment to gather her thoughts.  
"Bernie, I've told you, you are not a bad mother."  
Bernie shook her head.  
"My kids, I've caused so much damage" A new wave of sobs took over before she shouted out " I almost killed her."  
"No.no.no, look at me, LOOK AT ME, Charlottes breakdown was a multitude of things, it wasn't your fault.   
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT."  
They sat tangled together, exhausted, only the small sniffs of tears audible. Serena only had a week left before she was able to take the pregnancy test, would she have to choose between the love of her life and her baby?


	42. Chapter 42

Serena gave a sad smile as she felt Bernie become heavier in her arms, she'd banked on the alcohol being the only thing that helped, she knew it wasn't the answer long term but she was grateful it worked for tonight. She brushed Bernie's hair back from her face trying to see if her eyes were closed yet.

Serena was physically and mentally exhausted herself, they both needed sleep.

"Darling" she said softly lightly ghosting her hand up and down the length of Bernies arm in attempt to rouse her.

"Lets go to bed hmm?"  
Bernie groaned nuzzling into Serena's neck sleepily.  
"Come on darling" she placed a light kiss to her head.  
Serena helped her stand and walked her to the bedroom, sitting her down on the bed and stripping her of her clothes.

They climbed in and lay facing each other, legs tangled, arms wrapped around each other, eyes growing heavier with exhaustion.  
She ran her hand down Bernie's back feeling her spine more prominant than usual.  
"You've lost weight" Serena whispered.  
"Oh um sorry, I'll put some pajamas on" Bernie untanged herself from Serena's hold feeling insecure.

"What" Serena shook her head in disbelief, taking Bernies wrists and pulling her back close.  
"Jesus Bernie, I'm so worried about you" she hadn't ment to say it out loud but she was drained and exhausted herself and offloaded her fears in a moment of weakness.  
She watched as Bernie closed her eyes to sleep. "I don't know whats wrong with me." She whispered, her voice hitching.  
"It's just stress, It's just the stress" Serena stroked Bernies bare skin soothingly. "I can't help but feel responsible, I don't suppose I've helped matters with all this baby talk, I'm sorry I've put you through all this."  
Bernie smiled sadly, her eyes still closed. "I don't know how to make things better. I'm just so tired."  
Serena pressed another kiss to her forehead. "You need to talk to the kids and you need to stop punishing yourself. Your a good person Bernie."  
She held her tightly as she sobbed, feeling out of her depth, Bernie was sinking into depression and Serena wasn't sure how to pull her out.

Another few minutes of silence passed before Bernie spoke, her voice gruff with sleep and alcohol.  
"I um, I spoke to Cam, he told me that you've been looking out for him."  
"Of course"  
"Thank you"  
"You don't need to thank me Bernie, I love him like my own, I love them all. Us and the kids, a proper family, that's all I want Bernie, we can get through this." She dropped another kiss to her nose. "Get some sleep, I'm right here." She whispered.

As usual Serena woke to an empty bed, as she always did the morning after these kind of events, Bernie always fled in embarrasment.

Bernie managed to avoid both Serena and Cam for the rest of the week. Staying over at each property whilst both Cam and Serena were working nightshifts.

It was only when the second week began to pass, Bernie sleeping in the on call room that they decided they needed to stage an intervention.  
Cam walked straight into Bernie and Serena's shared home, no longer feeling the need to knock since he repaired his relationship with his mother and became closer to Serena.

He found Serena, face flushed and breathless struggling with grocery bags.

"Woah, here let me get that"  
"Oh Cam", she hadn't heard him come in. "Thank you."  
"You look exhausted" He said honestly as he placed the bags on the kitchen worktop.  
"Ha, yes, well" Serena sat wearily at the kitchen table. "Your mother has been in hiding, throwing herself into work, leaving me to look after the little man, who clearly is starting to pick up on what is going on because he hasn't slept a wink, it's my only day off this week and I have a stack of paperwork to do, I need to sort the entire house and on top of that Hansen says I have to completely rewrite my report for tomorrows board meeting so theres still, a mountain to climb before the morning!"

Cam turned from the work top shocked by Serena's outburst.  
"Why don't you go and get some sleep, I can look after the little man for a while."  
Serena fiddled with her necklace, taking a deep breath.  
"No its fine, you just caught me at a bad moment that's all."  
"Serena, you really look like you could do with it. Go and get some sleep, we'll be ok, won't we?" He said to the little man who had just toddled in from the lounge.  
"If your sure"  
"I'm sure, now go!"  
Serena went upstairs to bed, Cameron looked around, he began tidying up and cleaning. He looked in on the little man in the lounge to see him watching childrens tv.  
Park? He took the little man out with a football passing it to and frow, expecting Serena to have woken by the time they returned.

He was suprised to find the house silent, Serena still asleep, he looked at the time. Made some sandwhiches for him and the little man before he was finally tired out and fell asleep, peacefully against Cams side.

Cam eyed the laptop on the coffee table, curiosity getting the better off him, he pulled it closer and began reading Serenas opened report.

He was impressed by Serenas legal knowledge and intellect.

He opened a new page on the laptop and began typing his own thoughts and opinions on how the budget cuts had affected his own patients and his ability as an F1.

A few simple ideas for Serena to use became his own report on the subject and before he knew it, hours had passed. 

"Cameron, you should have woken me, I'm so sorry." Serena came rushing in to see the little man curled into Cam fast asleep. She relaxed as she seen them both together.  
"Its ok, you obviously needed it." Cam eyed her suspiciously.  
She rubbed at her eyes, chestnut hair sticking in all directions. "Oh you tidied up, you didn't have to do that" she began to become overwhelmed by Camerons kindness, as she looked around. She still felt exhausted, knew deep down all the fertility treatment was playing with her hormones.  
"Why don't you sit down and I'll put the kettle on" he said noting how emtional Serena was becomming.  
She nodded, unable to use her words.  
Sitting beside the little man asleep on the sofa, feeling guilty she hadn't spent much time with him on her day off.  
Cam came through with the mugs.  
Serena cleared her throat and smiled at him as he sat down. "Thank you"   
"Its just a cup of tea."  
"Not just for the tea" Serena bit the inside of her cheek in attempt to push down her tears.   
Cam picked up on Serenas emotion, wanted to comfort her, settled for changing the subject.  
"So mums still throwing herself into work?"  
"I haven't seen her in weeks" Serena's voice was clipped, resentful.  
Cam smiled sadly.  
"Whats this?" She looked at the laptop.  
"Oh um, I hope you don't mind, I um, well I read your report and I-I just jotted a few ideas down, I knew you said you were on a tight schedule."  
"Cam this is, this is excellent."  
"Really?"  
"Well Doctor Dunn, I think you best dig out your suit."  
"I'm sorry?"  
"How would you like to share this in tomorrows board meeting?"  
"Wha, no, Serena I-I"  
"Oh come on now Dr Dunn, if you want to reach the top you have to be willing to mingle with the high flyers."

 

Later that week. 

It was only after a particular trauma event that required Serena's vascular expertese that Bernie was forced to confront her son and partner. Scrubbing out after theatre, Serena mocked with Cameron, wanting to keep the situation light.  
"Do my eyes decieve me Dr Dunn or is there an actual living, breathing Berenice Wolfe before me."  
"Ha, who? Oh my Mum yes, um tall, blonde hair, likes to be stubborn and refuse help from the people who love her. That Berenice Wolfe."  
Bernie tucked her hair behind her ear as she always did when she was nervous.  
"Alright, Alright, I'm sorry" Bernie said bashfully.  
Cam left to give them some space leaving the two women walking down the corridor.  
"Are you okay?" Serena moved in closer, nudging her shoulder as they walked side by side.  
"Yeah" she smiled but Serena could see it didn't quite reach her eyes.  
Serena sighed frowning "Have you eaten?"  
"Oh um" Bernie looks round for something to focus on.  
She opened the door to the ward "Right, Nurse Fletcher, Ms Wolfe and I will be leaving the ward, I trust you can cope without us."  
"I'm sure we can hold the fort" he said happily.  
"Excellent, right, you, with me."   
She turned back, "page if you need us."

Serena ordered lunch for both of them in pulses, eyeing Bernie judgementally as she watched her play with her food rather than eat it.

"Are you okay?" Serena asked just wanting Bernie to come home.

Bernie tucked the hair behind her ear again, eyes on her coffee cup. She gave a small smile. "I um, I had my first councelling session."

"What, when? Why didn't you say anything?"  
Bernie shrugged. "I just needed some time on my own."  
"And?" Serena probed.  
"Good, I think, I mean not good but, maybe it could help. We um, we talked about the kids, about you, She um, she told me about some calming techniques, for when, well."   
She looked around checking no one was listening in on their conversation.

Serena picked up Bernies hand and began rubbing the back of it with her thumb. "I'm proud of you." She said honestly.

Bernie glanced around feeling uncomfortable at the public display of affection.

"Hows the little man?" 

"Missing you, told him you were on nightshift, Cams been helping out."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Don't be. You needed space. I understand."  
"How are you?" Bernie asked, Fletch said you have an appointment this afternoon? 

Serena leaned back in the chair, removing her hand from Bernies. "It's um just a checkup" Serena said far too non chaulant.

Bernie kept her eyes on Serena watching as Serena refused eye contact uncomfortably. Bernie opened and closed her mouth to speak. "I expect your eagar to find out, what the out come is" Bernie said softly, eyes glancing to Serena's tummy.  
"I'm not pregnant" Serena said quickly, clearly her thrist and shuffling uncomfortably in her chair.  
"What" Bernie's eyes shot up to Serena's face, studying her expression to read her emotions.  
"It's fine" Serena shrugged off the topic, feeling uncomfortable.  
Bernie faultered "Oh Serena, I'm so sorry" she said devastated.  
Serena's eyes glanced up to Bernie after she sensed the disapointment in Bernie's voice, "Are you?" She questioned, suprised  
"Yes!" It was high pitched, confident, because she was devastated.  
Bernie sighed feeling guilty, another thing to punish herself for. Another person she's let down.

Serena cleared her throat before changing the subject  
"Cams coming in todays board meeting"  
"What?"  
"Yeah, he drew up a budget development plan, we're taking it to the board this afternoon."  
"Right. Ok.Wow. Um." Bernie couldn't help the jelous pang that settled in her stomach at their closeness.

Serena picked up Bernies hand again, running her thumb along her wrist, she had definately lost weight. 

It was the clink of glasses, later that day that drew Bernie's attention as she walked past her and Serena's shared office.

"What are we celebrating?" She asked, a forced smile on her face as she seen her son and her partner hugging.

"Well my darling, it seems Cameron here didn't only get your beautiful good looks but your intellect too."

Bernie frowned in confusion before Cam spoke up.

"We secured more funding for AAU." He said in a humble tone.  
"HE secured more funding! He was positively brilliant in there."  
Bernie smiled "Thats great, I'm proud of you Cam."  
He looked at Serena worryingly.  
"Ms Wolfe" a nurse shouted.  
"Well I best, leave you two to it."  
"Mum?" Cam sighed shouting after her, picking up on her upset.  
He looked at Serena worringly.  
"Your Mums just working through a few things at the moment, she'll be okay."  
Serena sighed decided Cam was owed the truth.  
"Your Mum has enormous guilt about the way her not being around when you and Charlotte were younger have affected you both and she punishes herself every day, because she feels thats what she deserves."

Cam hung his head, "It was hard, not having her around, wondering why she didn't want us, what was wrong with us, but now I know it wasn't really us, that she was just running from who she really was. I just get it now I suppose. She was unhappy for so many years, I don't want her to be unhappy any longer, she doesn't deserve that."   
Serena smiled proud of his maturity. "You know she missed you both so much, she still has photos in her wallet, the ones she cried herself to sleep with while she was on tour."  
I know my grandma didn't help the situation either, I remember when Charlotte was born and she stayed with us for a while. I remember Mum crying in the bathroom, that panic attack the other week, I think I've seen her have them before when I was little."  
Serena sighed at the thought of Bernie going through this on her own during each stressful period of her life.  
"Maybe you two should talk, it might be beneficial for you both. But ultimately, she loves you all so much."  
"I know" Cam smiled sadly. "And what about you?   
"Keep bringing me funding and I'll love you even more." Serena laughed playfully "All joking aside though. Your my stepson and I love you, you know you can come to me about anything."   
Cam smiled "I know, but what about you?"  
"What about me?"  
Cam tilted his head, "who are you able to talk to?"  
"Oh I'm fine, I can handle your Mother."  
"You seem to be forgetting that you two of the counties most highly regarded surgeons are training me to be a doctor."  
Serena moved uncomfortably in her chair "I don't know what your talking about" Serena faultered.  
"Your lathargic, breathless, nauseous, irritable."  
"It's stress, knock on effect from dealing with your mother." She said clipped.  
"Or maybe, your pregnant"  
Serena shook her head.  
"You haven't even took the test have you?"


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapters pretty heavy and have mentions of pregnancy and terminations.  
> Please remember IT'S FICTION!  
> Please feel free to bow out if you feel it's getting too much.  
> I've decided the end is near, just want to thank everyone for their support and kind comments!

Bernie returned home that night.  
Serena slipped her a sedative, deciding she felt to physically exhaused to deal with a nightmare or a panic attack that night. She tried to justify it to herself, deciding the sleep would do Bernie good or that she would do anything to stop Bernie going through these attacks.

 

Serena was sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of tea when Bernie walked in, sleepy and dazed.  
Serena couldn't help but smile at the state of her. "Morning Darling" she stood, walking over to Bernie and wrapping her arms around her, holding on for a minute and breathing her in.  
"Have I slept all night?" Bernie croaked.  
Serena smirked at Bernies nievity.  
"See what a night in your own bed can do."  
Bernie rubbed her eyes and Serena brushed her messy curls from her face. She always loved playing with Bernie's wild hair in the mornings.  
"Your up early?" Bernie said, sitting at the dining table.  
"Just, couldn't sleep" Serena shrugged, heading to put the kettle on.  
Bernie took hold of Serena's wrist as she tried to walk away. "Are you okay?"  
"Of course" Serena huffed a laugh  
Bernie pulled her in so Serena was standing between her legs and wrapped her arms around Serenas middle. "I know you." She spoke softly.  
Bernie pulled Serena again to sit on her knee.  
"I know you must be upset about the pregnancy result."  
Serena rolled her eyes "I'm fine" she said trying to step out of Bernies hold.  
Bernie held on, waited her out before resting her chin on Serena's shoulder. Serena stilled uncomfortably.  
"I'd never make you choose"   
"I think you just did" the words came out before she even had the chance to stop them.  
"I want this to happen for you more than anything."  
"But you just don't want to be involved, its fine Bernie I get it."  
"No, no, god no. I love you. I could never be without you."   
"Then what?"  
Bernie shrugged, thought her words through for a minute before explaining them "A mother. Thats a job I've failed at too many times, I couldn't do that again. Not to you, not to our baby, I'd still BE there for you, for both of you."  
Serena scrubbed her face, frustrated. "Can we talk about this later" she wriggled out of Bernies hold and began making cups of tea.  
Leaving Bernie to watch on.

 

Serena was walking along the hospital corridor in a hurry when Cam caught up with her.  
"Have you told her?"  
Serena continued walking.  
"There's nothing to tell Cameron we've already discussed this."  
"Is that why you look like crap"  
"With compliments like that Dr Dunn its amazing Molly left you."  
She stopped and sighed, closing her eyes.  
"I'm sorry. That was, well, I'm sorry"  
"Charlotte thinks your playing games with Mum. That your manipulating her to get what you want."  
Serena gritted her teeth  
"And you think?"  
"Well are you?"  
She couldnt be angry with him, she understood his need to ask the question just came from wanting to protect his Mum and she loved him for that.

"No. Cameron." She took another deep breath "I love your Mum more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. And I understand, this is a big step for your Mum, for both of us. I wouldn't ever manipulate her and push her into something she isn't ready for. Her health is far to important to me than that.

He moved closer to the wall, concious of people passing them in the corridor.  
"Then why the secrecy?"   
Serena waited until a patient passed.  
"I'm scared" she said simply. "There's nothing I'd want more than to have a baby with your Mum. I wish we'd met each other years ago. But if she's not ready for this." She sighed, pausing again as another person passed. "These panic attacks, they're terrifying, I feel so helpless. I have to accept that this is just, too much for her. And I'll, I'll always put her first. I love her unconditionally. I just, I've already lost one child, I suppose I don't want to have to let go of another. But I will though. I'd do anything for her."

Cam wrapped his arms around her and held on. No longer caring about the people around. He moved his mouth to the shell of her ear. "You'll always be a Mum to me."  
The first sob broke from Serena and they squeezed each other tighter.

 

Two days later, Serena was missing from the ward. It was unlike her to leave without leting the staff know where she was.  
Bernie eyed Cam suspiciously as he began to make excuses of her whereabouts.  
"She can't possibly have a meeting with the board members because I've just watched them leave over an hour ago. So, I'll ask you again Cameron James Dunn. Where is Serena? Cameron? Are you two hiding something from me."  
"What, why would I be hiding something?"  
Bernie folded her arms "I don't suppose threatening to remove your playstations going to cut it somehow these days."   
"No I don't suppose it would." He grinned.  
"But having a little chat with Sarah, from oncology might."  
"You wouldn't"  
"From what I hear you two have a date on saturday, according to the rumor mill."  
Cam growled in defeat, taking her by the elbow and pulling her to one side  
"She's going for a termination."  
Bernie neck snapped up to look at Cameron, "WHAT" Bernie's eyes widened in shock.  
"Mum, she's ok, at the end of the day, all she wants most is to be with you. You don't need to feel guilty for not wanting another child."  
Bernie stood in shock at her son "I don't believe this."  
"It's for the best mum"  
"I need to find her!"

Bernies ran off the ward and down the staircase praying she wasn't too late or that Serena had gone to another hospital or private clinic.

"Serena Campbell is she here?"   
"Ms Wolfe you know we can't give out that information. It's patient confidentiality."   
"Bernie looked round the ward, spotted the side room. Without thinking she rushed toward it and opened the door breathless and panicked.  
"Serena"  
She stopped dead as she took in the sight before her. Serena, lay on a hospital bed, a midwide at her left side as she took a sonogram. And there on the screen, was a beautiful, tiny baby.

Serena tore her eyes away from the screen, trying to sit up once she noticed who it was, "Bernie!" She panicked "it-its not what it looks like." "Bernie" Serena whispered desperately but Bernie remained rooted to the spot, her eyes fixed on the screen.

"I'll give you two a few minutes the midwife said as she got up and left, walking straight past Bernie.

"Is that?" Bernie was in shock, slow and dazed.  
Serena nodded as sge swiped the tears that rolled down her cheeks.   
There was a short pause before  
"I wasn't trying to trick you, I-"   
Bernie couldn't tear her eyes away from the screen and she felt like somebody had glued her feet to the floor.  
"Your pregnant" Bernie let out a giggle as her eyes began to overfill.  
Serena nodded, "I'm sorry" she choked.  
Bernie gave a teary smile. "You've got a little girl in there."  
"What?" Serena frowned, looking back at the screen.  
Bernie's head whipped to look at Serena.  
"I, I didn't ask I- I didn't-if" Serena shook her head.  
"I know, Serena, I know. I spoke to Cam"  
"He shouldn't have said anything." She began wiping the gel off from her stomach ready to get out of there.  
"Well I may have forced it out of him"   
"Right" she said pulling down her top and standing from the bed.  
Bernie took her wrist "I can't let you go through with this."  
She couldn't look Bernie in the eye. "Bernie it's it's for the best" she blew out a breath "Its fine, I'm fine, your not ready, we've got through worse things"  
Bernie shook her head. "I love you"  
"And I love you" Serena looked up, "this is so hard."  
Bernie giggled, squeezing her hand.  
"She's okay though?"  
Serena shrugged "Yeah"  
Serena watched as Bernie sat on the stool, pulling the screen toward her.  
"Can I?" Bernie guestured at Serena's stomach.  
Serena paused for a moment before climbing back on the bed and lifting her shirt. She lay back willing herself to relax back into the cusions as Bernie began to scan the baby.  
"Oh hello little one" she whispered to the screen.   
Serena closing her eyes as the tears flowed rapidly.  
Bernie tore her gaze away to look at Serena.  
"Maybe you could show me where I've been going wrong all these years."  
Serena gritted her teeth as she felt herself failing to hold it together.  
"How to be an amazing mum"  
"B-Bernie I"  
"Ssshhhh" Bernie took both of her hands in her own. "Would you forgive me if I said I've changed my mind"  
"What, Bernie" she shook her head "You don't have to do this, you don't-"  
Bernie cut her off "Your right. But I want to."  
"What" Serena stilled.  
Bernie beamed. "I think i want to have a baby with you. No. No. I know I want to have a baby with you."  
Serena crumbled as Bernie wrapped her arms around them both.


	44. Journey to happy ever after.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for some fluff I think

Both Bernie and Serena were called back to the ward after Serena's appointment to deal with a major incident involving multiple casualties.

It had gone midnight by the time Bernie returned to the office, finding Serena asleep on the small sofa.  
"Serena" she whispered, stood over Serena stroking her hair.  
"Hmm" Serena moaned  
"Time to wake up darling"  
Serena frowned, eyes adjusting to the light.  
"You okay?" Bernie asked softly as she came round to sit on the edge of the sofa, one hand stroking Serena's cheek the other rested on her hip.  
"It's been a long day." She said closing her eyes at Bernie's touch.  
"Come on, let's get you two home, I'll call a cab" Bernie said as she jumped up to make the call from the office phone.  
The anxiety medication she was now taking ment driving and surgery we're on the back burner for a while. Both of which she was not happy about but Serena reasured her that her health was more important, that it was only temporary until she was feeling better.  
"Oh don't bother, I'm awake now, I'll drive" Serena said as she began to sit up.  
"Sorry" Bernie mumbled. These were the moments she wishes she could do better. To be able to drive home her pregnant girlfriend after a long day at work.  
Serena gave a small smile knowing Bernie would be beating herself up about it. She reached out a hand and squeezed "Don't be. Come on, before I change my mind and decide we're sleeping in the oncall room."  
They huffed out a chuckle as Bernie pulled on her arm, helping her off the sofa.

 

Home and into bed. Serena was asleep and Bernie was propped up on her side watching her.  
"Berenice"  
"Mmhhmmm"  
"Go to sleep"  
Bernie giggled.  
A few minutes later.  
"Berenice"  
"Okay, okay, I'm sleeping" She said giggling.

 

They wriggled around as they stirred awake, snuggling closer together.  
"Morning" Serena curled into Bernie's side. "Mmmm What time is it?"  
"Almost 7"  
"Argh"  
Bernie was ushally awake around five, but her medication was making her sleep longer, something Serena was incredibly grateful for as it ment Bernie was getting the rest she needed, without having to sedate her without her knowledge.  
"At least being out of surgery for a while means no early morning electives to rush to."  
Bernie's eyes remained closed "Every cloud" she said dryly.  
Serena took her hand and gave it a squeeze knowing how hard Bernie was finding it not being able to operate.  
"Breakfast?" Serena changed the subject.  
"Mind if I go for a run first?"  
"Course not" Bernie had really turned a corner this week. The combination of medication, councelling and a few lifestyle changes making a huge improvement on her health. Serena couldn't be more grateful and relieved that she eventually took the help she so desperately needed.  
"Come on best get up." Serena nudged.  
Bernie groaned, pulled Serena close and kissed her. "Five more minutes" she bribed with another kiss.

They lay in each others arms caressing limbs, appreciating the simplicity of just being relaxed with one another.  
"I can't believe there's a baby in here?" Bernie whispered as she stroked patterns against Serena's stomach.  
You'll be believing it soon enough when im the size of a whale. I was huge with Eleanor."  
"Still beautiful though I bet."  
"Not sure Edward thought so."  
"Well Edwards loss is my gain."  
"In all seriousness though we are going to be okay aren't we?" Serena asked in an a moment of weakness.  
Bernie stroked her jaw, lifting her eyeline.  
"I have a feeling we just might be."  
Serena smiled before asking.  
"Tell me your pregnancy stories?"  
"What about them?"  
"What were Cam and Charlotte like?"  
"Oh um, Cam was quiet only seemed to kick at night."  
"That must have been tiring"  
"Yeah. We were ok though, I didn't show much with him, Charlotte was the opposite, she was bigger, more active."  
"What was Eleanor like?" Bernie asked tentitively  
"Kicked my bladder for the entire 9 months and 10 days"  
Bernie chuckled.  
"Cam was late, Charlotte on time. 10 days, blimey."  
"Oh yes, I was huge, hormonal, I hated Edward for doing it to me and blamed him entirely. I said he'd ruined my body and my career." She laughed at the ridiculousness.  
"Oh good to know. I'll sleep with one eye open." Bernie mocked. "Ruined your career?"  
"Battle of the consultancy post between myself and a rather pompus prick."  
"And let me guess, you were looked as less superior for choosing to step back and have a baby."  
"I knew you would understand."  
"I worked up until my due date with Cam then spent 3 days waiting for him. Marcus was all over me, cups of tea, back rubs, that kind of thing."  
"But you weren't happy?" Serena questioned.  
"No. I don't suppose I was." Bernie answered sadly. "Don't get me wrong, that first night I held him, that's one of the best moments of my life, and the other two of course."  
"Yes. They are aren't they, incredible how one tiny little thing can bring such enormous love, although Eleanor was 9lbs 5."  
"The little man was the smallest, then Cam, Charlotte was 7lbs 8."  
"Lucky you! 9lbs 5 and 27 hours in labour, why am I doing this again?"  
Bernie gave her a soft peck on the forehead.  
"Cam was around 18 hours, Charlotte a section."  
"Diffucult?"  
"Breach"  
"I see. I got back around 10 at night, I'd been doing all these crazy hours just trying to prove myself to every man who said I should step down, put my feet up and hang up my scrubs. Edward was already asleep, then I woke up during the night with back pains. Sent Edward into work without telling him. A night in pain and no sleep made me hate him, then by lunch time I was calling begging for him to be with me. He came and picked me up, took me to hospital."

"Oh with Cam Marcus' Mum arrived to check up on me, she was convinced I was having an affair. She wouldn't leave, then she noticed me having a strong contraction, called Marcus, hysterical. I think I was the calmest of the three of us."  
"You must have felt suffocated"  
"Yeah"  
"Managed to get her kicked out the hospial room though." Bernie smirked.

"Did you have any pain relief?"  
"Um a little, gas and air."  
"You?"  
"Gas an air, whilst screaming for an epidural."  
"Oh this is going to be fun with you Campbell."  
"Ha, I'll try and be kinder and maybe a little less grumpy."  
"I'll hold you to that!" 

"What about after, you know like baby blues?" Serena asked enjoying the conversation.  
"Oh Um"  
"We can talk about something else if you'd rather."  
"The first few days were perfect. Well he was perfect.  
I watched him sleep most nights, it was my only time with him really, Marcus's mother insisted on helping. I barely got a look in and when I did it was wrong.  
With Charlotte. I remember. She had her 1st vaccinations, she cried all day. Marcus came back from work bringing his Mum, she took her off me and she stopped crying."  
Bernie bit her lip trying to push down her own emotion at the memory.  
Serena ran her hand up and down Bernie's arm.  
She blew out a breath.  
"Your turn"  
"Ellie was just a madam, everything on demand, and I gave it, because she was beautiful. I felt like it was us against the world."  
"What about work?"  
"I took 10 months off, not sure what to do this time, maybe a year?" Bernie smiled at the thought she was nervous but somehow doing this with Serena by her side made it somehow less scary. "The Pompus prick?" Bernie questioned.  
"Oh demoted for staff bullying, suprise, suprise."  
"I only took 6 months with Cam, 4 with Charlotte." She said sadly.  
"You never got a chance to bond with Charlotte did you?"  
"I love her. So much"  
"I know you do darling." Serena comforted. Vowed to herself to make sure that this experience with her daughter would be better.  
"How do you think she'll react?" Serena knew Charlotte well enough now to know she wouldn't be happy.  
"Pffttt"  
"She'll come round, in time."  
"Shhh listen" Bernie stilled.  
"Maaaaaaaammmm" They heard the little man shouting from his bedroom.  
"He's awake, we'd best get up."


End file.
